Men jokes - Page 126

This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on.
The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?"
The man replies,
"David Jones." This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes "Where'd you get the great pants mate?"
The man replies,
" David Jones." This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on.
The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?" The man replies,
"David Jones."
Then this 4th guy runs in nакеd and the bartender goes, "Look Who the hеll are you mate?"
And the nакеd guy says,
"I'm David Jones!"

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What is the difference between a joystick and a man's d**k?
A joystick does its job.

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Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

Chuck Norris was the Best Man at his own wedding.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Men jokes Wedding jokes

No man can perfectly predict the weather, not even Chuck Norris.
But the weather DOES try to predict what kind of day Chuck would like to have...

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Chuck Norris Jokes Men jokes Weather jokes

A man went into a bar in a high rise.
He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out.
He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more.
Finally the man asked if he could have a pill.
The flier said it was his last one.
The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars.
The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar.
The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death.
The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, “You sure are mean when you’re drunк, Superman.

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Money jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

One day a man and a giraffe go to a pub they have a couple of drinks then on their way out the giraffe falls over and blocks the door the bar.
Man says "you can leave that lion here."
The man said "it's not a lion its a giraffe you idiот."

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Animal Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Stupid Jokes

Chuck Norris can кill a man in 52 different ways using only a ballpoint pen.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

Three prisoners are locked in a cell.
One takes out a harmonica and says, ‘At least I can play a little music and pass the time.’
The second prisoner pull out a pack of cards and says, ‘We can play games too.’
The third man pulls out a packet of tampons.
‘Those aren’t much use,’ says the first prisoner.
‘Yes they are,’ says the third prisoner.
‘On the packet it says we can use them to swim, play tennis and ski.’

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Men jokes Sex Jokes

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How should I know?” the man answers, “I’m not a lawyer!”

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes One-Liner Jokes Police Officer Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear.
He says, “Doctor, what is wrong with me?"
The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes One-Liner Jokes

A man was made the police chief in a nudist colony.
He liked the job, but putting on the badge was мurdеr!

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Men jokes Police Officer Jokes

A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian.
"Look in the lion's mouth," the vet told him.
"How do I do that?" he asked.
"Carefully," replied the vet.

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

Man, to woman, ‘Do you want sеx?’
Woman, ‘Your place or mine?’
Man, ‘Well, if you’re going to argue.
Forget it.’

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sex Jokes

Every phobia known to man has a phobia of Chuck Norris.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Men jokes

How is a man like a microwave oven?
Just another thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds.

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

Men are like..... Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day.
He went up to the bartender and said,
"Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said,
"That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wаd of bills and set them on the bar.
The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said,
"There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it.
"Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you sсrеwеd me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said,
"Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here.
I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you sсrеwеd me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender.
I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals.
After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar.
Drunk as a skunk, he said,
"Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and рiss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began рissing all over the place.
He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said,
"Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said,
"That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could рiss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

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Money jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

There were three guys in a bar boasting about the amount of control they have over their wives after getting drunк.
One said my wife never says no to me, the second one says my wife always says yes to me.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,
"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed.
"What happened then?"
They asked.
She said,
"Get out from under the bed and fight like a man".

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

This guy walks into a bar and orders a вееr.
The bartender looks at the guy and says" Have you seen Eileen?"
The guy is rather confused and asked " Eileen who?"
The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my вuтт."
Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street.
So he sits down and orders a вееr.
While he is drinking his вееr he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him.
The bartender then told him," You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say I bend over and you kiss my вuтт.
So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben.
And the Bartender said " Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen."
The guy asks" Eileen who?

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes