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The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of the team rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football League announced, yesterday, its name changes and schedules for the '99 season:
The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day. Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.
In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People. The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey.
The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden. The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in Week 9. And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large Mountain Mammals.
Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.
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A 4-year-old kid was at school and his teacher told him that his homework was to learn the first four letters of the alphabet. At home his mum was on the phone when he asked her what’s the first letter of the alphabet so she said “Shut up.” His dad was watching a football match when the kid asked him about the second letter of the alphabet so he said “YES YES YES!!!” because his favorite team had just scored. His brother was playing Bat-Man when the kid asked him what’s the third letter of the alphabet so he said “Na na na na na na na na BATMAN!!!!” and the kid went away, happy. His 2 and 3/4 year old sisters playing with her dolls when he asked her about the fourth letter of the alphabet so she said “On my voom voom car.” The next day at school when his teacher asked him for the first letter of the alphabet he said Shut Up, so the teacher asked him if he wanted to go to the principal’s office, and he said YES YES YES!!! At the principal’s office the principle asked him “Who do you think you are?” the kid replied “Na na na na na na na na BATMAN!!!!” so the principle said “How are you going to get out of this mess?” And the kid replied “On my voom voom car”
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One day, while swinging through the jungle on a vine, Tarzan was passing close to the edge of a cliff when the vine broke, and he fell into the jungle far below. There he lay, in a coma for several days, before he was found by a jungle medicine man. The medicine man took him back to his hut, and did the best he could to repair, and heal Tarzan’s injuries.
Weeks later Tarzan woke up and the medicine man told him of his injuries. “Tarzan,” said the medicine man “you were severely injured in the fall, and I had to use what I had available to heal you. You lost your arms, so I replaced them with those from a gorilla. You lost your legs, which I replaced with those from a kangaroo. But I fear your worst injury was the loss of your реnis. But don’t worry, I was able to attach an elephant’s trunk which should serve you well.” He then told Tarzan to return in one month to up-date his progress.
One month later, true to his word, Tarzan returned. The medicine man asked how he was doing.
Tarzan said, “The gorilla arms have given me great strength.” He said. “I never need fear falling again. And the kangaroo legs have made one of the fastest creatures in the jungle. I can outrun just about any animal.”
The medicine man asked, “but what of the elephant’s trunk that replaced your реnis?”
Tarzan replied, “It serves me well, I have only one problem. Every time I bend over, it stuffs grass up my аss.”
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