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A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.
A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
The priest asks “What did you do?”
The woman says, “I committed adultery.”
Priest:
“How many times?”
Woman:
“Three times.”
Priest:
“Say two Hail Mary’s, put five dollars in the box and go and sin no more.” A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.
He says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Priest:
“What did you do?”
Man:
“I committed adultery.”
Priest:
- ”How many times?”
Man:
“Three times.”
Priest:
“Say two Hail Mary’s, put five dollars in the box and go and sin no more.”
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Rabbi:
“What did you do?”
Woman:
“I committed adultery.”
Rabbi:
“How many times?”
Woman:
“Once.”
Rabbi:
“Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for five dollars.”
When Ted was putting flowers on his Grandmother's grave he noticed a man, very distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away. The man was on his knees, hands tightly clasped in front of him, rocking back and forth, head tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning softly, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Over and over again.
Ted was overcome with emotion at this sight and went over to the poor man to try and console him. "Why did you die? Why did you die?" bellowed the man again and again. Ted gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to him, "My Grandmother is buried just over there. Is a loved one of yours buried here?"
"No," sniffled the man, "It's my wife's first husband."
Bob goes with his friend, a comedian, to a comedian's meeting. When they get there, one of the men stands up and shouts out "34!” and all the other comedians laugh hysterically. Bob turns to his friend and says "I don't get what was so funny!” and his friend explains to him that the Comedians' Guild has assigned each joke a number to make them easier to tell.
All through dinner, the members of the Guild stand up and say numbers, and every time, everyone laughs, so Bob decides to give it a try. He stands up, and shouts out his favorite number:
"54!" Dead silence.
Bob turns to his friend and asks "What did I do wrong? When ever you do it, they laugh!" And his friend answered, "You didn't tell it well."
Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a “man about town” so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.
Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undrеssing Maria said, “Oh Pedro, what is that?”
Pedro being very quick thinking said, “Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these.” And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy.
The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.
“Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too.”
Thinking fast, Pedro said, “Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those.”
Maria being very sтuрid accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night.
Pedro went off to work again the next morning and when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch.
Pedro said, “Maria, what is the matter now?”
“Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!”
==
It was a stormy night. A guy was driving in some mountains and his car broke down. He stopped it by a tree and walked down the highway looking for help. A headlight started to approach him from behind. He turned back and noticed a car coming forth very slowly. He walked up to it, opened the door, and sat on the passenger's seat. Then he suddenly notices that there was no driver, but the car was moving!
Before the guy could decide what to do, a sharp turn appeared a few meters before the car and it seemed that the car was going to go off the cliff. The guy trembled in fright, but a pale hand came in from the open window and turned the steering wheel! When the car finished turning around the curve, the hand withdrew. Every time there was a turn, the same hand would come in and guide the wheels of the car to safety.
The guy could not believe all this. As soon as he saw the lights of some rest stop by the road he jumped off the car and ran into a bar, pale, wet, trembling, and telling everybody that he had a most creepy, supernatural experience.
Then two young men dripping in mud came into the bar. One saw the guy and said,
"Hey, that's the sтuрid fellow that got in our car while were pushing."
Hank was not too bright. Everyday when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.
Finally, Hank decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route and then take up some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen again. He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend himself.
So, one day, on the way home from work Hank took his old route home and sure enough there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued. The next afternoon Hank went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip. His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened.
"Well," explained Hank, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money, but they beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!"