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Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘ Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous,
Not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q.. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it..
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years…
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.
Q.. Paul, why do Неll’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles .
Q.. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps… One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Navy!
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sеx?
A… Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
A man went to New York on a business trip. When the trip was over, he took a cab to get to the airport. The cab driver decided to have a little fun at the man's expense, so he asked,
"My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third?"
The passenger had no idea. The driver replied, "The third one was ME!"
The man went home to his wife and said to her, "Hey honey, here's a riddle for you. My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third one?"
His wife was stumped and said,
"I don't know, who?"
The man responded, "Believe it or not, some cab driver in New York."
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. When the other guys would only catch three or four a day, Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. The warden asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So, the next morning the two men met at the boat dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done. Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up. Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam, "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Meanwhile, Sam set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the warden with these words, "Are ya gonna sit there all day complaining, or are ya going to fish?"
Grandmother and granddaughter were in the bank when three bank robbers walked in and held it up.
“All the women down on the floor,” one handsome robber commanded.
“My grandmother too?” the little girl asked.
“Yes, your grandmother too!”
“All the women on the floor, pull up your dresses.”
“My grandmother too?”
“Yes, your grandmother too! All women will now remove their раnтiеs.”
“Surely you don’t mean my grandmother too?” asked the little girl.
Becoming angry, the handsome robber shouted, “YES, YOUR GRANDMOTHER TOO! Now, all the women on the floor are to spread their legs apart.”
When the little girl started to ask if her grandmother was included, her grandmother snarled, “YOU HEARD WHAT THE MAN SAID!”
A guy is walking down the street, and he’s really hоrny. So he goes to the first whоrеhоusе he sees. He only has five quid, so they kick him out.
The guy goes to the next one. But since he only has five quid, they kick him out, too. By this time, he’s super-hоrny, so he goes to the next one and says, “Look, I only have five dollars, I’m really hоrny, and I need a вlоw job!”
The manager there takes pity on him, and says “Okay. For five dollars we can give you a реnguin.”
“What’s a реnguin?” he asks.
The manager grins. “You’ll find out!” he assures the eager man.
He takes the five dollars, and leads the hоrny man to a bedroom. The hоrny man unzips his pants, and waits for his “реnguin.” Soon, a whоrе comes in and starts giving the guy a really hot вlоw job.
Just as he’s about to let loose, she stops and walks away.
The hоrny guy waddles after her with his pants around his ankles, shouting, “Don’t go , don’t go”