War and Military Jokes

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands for money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The man replied, “Yes sir, I did.”
The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The man replied, “No sir, I didn’t, but my wife did!”

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World War II started because Burger King sсrеwеd up Chuck Norris' order.
Today Burger King NEVER gives you onions unless you ask for them.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Military Jokes

Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Military Jokes American Jokes

Stormtrooper: What should we do with about the failed plan?
Palpatine: Sсrеw it

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Star Wars Jokes Military Jokes

There were three people on the third floor of a building the first one took a bite of a apple then said it was too hard so he threw it out the window the second person took a bite of a lemon he said it was too sour so he threw it out the window the third guy was drunк, he took a bite of a grenade and thought it was to crunchy so he threw it out the window then one of them went downstairs he saw a dog laying on the ground dead the apple had hit the dog in the head then there was a little girl crying with her cat in her lap it had died because the lemon fell out the window and hit it in the head next there was a old guy laughing i asked him why he was laugh he said “i farted and the building behind me blew up”.

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Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Military Jokes Fart Jokes Dog jokes

Anant was in the army. During the war with Pakistan, Anant used his
intelligence to кill many Pakistani soldiers. He would hide behind the
bushes and shout Pakistani names like - Imran Khan etc. and the soldier
named Imran Khan would get up to say 'I am here !' Then Anant would shoot him down. This went on till Anant almost wiped out all the soldiers single handedly!
Suddenly the Pakistani commander realized that Anant was killing all his soldiers by fooling them. So he decides to use Anant's own method to кill him and starts calling him names like Anant etc.
Anant realizing that the Pakistani was using his trick,
suddenly says 'Who called me ?' and the Commander gets up to say 'I called you.'
Anant shoots him also down!

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Military Jokes Single People Jokes American Presidents Humor

Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be a good educational experience.
(I stayed out too late last night and didn't have time to prepare a lecture.)

The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important.
(I don't understand the details either.)

The test scores were generally good.
(Some of you managed a 'C'.)

Some of you could have done better.
(Everyone failed.)

It's been very rewarding to teach this class.
(I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.)

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College jokes Military Jokes Superhero Jokes

A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The Thief says: “Give me your money.” The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: “But, wait! You can’t do that, I am a Congressman!” The thief replies: “Oh, sorry. Give me MY money.”

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Men jokes Military Jokes Political Jokes

For those of you who have lived in Texas like Astro Zombie, or even visited, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free вееr during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick!
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hеll is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two whole beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy people.
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.>
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more вееr when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more вееr before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the вееr...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing!
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili...
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive!
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, it could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring вееr directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Sсrеw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, burning, sulphuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. I can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my аss with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Но hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. ***I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Sсrеw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suск it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili рот down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he would have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- Oh God...

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Halloween Jokes Beer Jokes Vegan and Vegetarian Jokes Military Jokes

Chuck Norris flew boats in the Vietnam War.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Military Jokes

R. Lee Ermey's war face is the face he made when he saw Chuck Norris ready to attack.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Military Jokes

A foreign man came to America not knowing a word of English and right away began looking for a job. He became a chorus teacher and learned to say, ¨Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!¨ After that he joined the Army and learned to say, ¨Yes sir!¨ After that he worked at a restaurant and learned to say, ¨Forks and knives, forks and knives!¨ After that he worked at a candy store and picked up the words, ¨Goody-goody gumdrops!¨ A few weeks later, there was a мurdеr in the area and he was the first person to be interrogated by the police. The interrogation went as follows:
Policeman: Who killed the man?
Foreign man: Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!
Policeman: Did you кill the man?
Foreign man: Yes sir!
Policeman: What did you use to кill him:
Foreign man: Forks and knives, forks and knives!
Policeman: You´re under arrest.
Foreign man: Goody-goody gumdrops!

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Office and Work Jokes Waiter Jokes Military Jokes School Jokes Restaurant Jokes

A german soldier is walking down the street during a hail storm when a lady suddenly falls over after being hit. He, along with a few others, walk over to her. One man asks, “What happened?” and the soldier replies, “Hail hit her.” (say the joke aloud and it will make more sense)

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Jokes about Women German Jokes Military Jokes

What the difference between a feminist and Нiтlеr?
Both were good at starting wars, only difference was Нiтlеr knew when to кill himself afterwards.

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Military Jokes Feminist Jokes

During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured.
For torture, they made him eat his own entrails.
He asked for seconds.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Military Jokes

Chuck Norris has a lot to contribute to the Third World...
War.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Military Jokes

After watching Star Wars 8, I have to say Snoke was half the man I expected him to be.

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Star Wars Jokes Military Jokes

What do you call a kid watching Star Wars by themselves?
Hans Solo.

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Star Wars Jokes Military Jokes

Spock went to the enterprises toilet and he knocked on it “Kirk are you in there?” Spiked asked, Kirk answered “hold on i am making a captains log”

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Movie jokes Military Jokes

What Liberals & Conservatives Generally Do In Certain Situations
If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't` eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
If a liberal sees a foreign threat, he wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.
If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended".

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Friendship Jokes Life Jokes Vegan and Vegetarian Jokes Military Jokes