College jokes

Teacher: What do you all aspire to become?

Student 1: A Doctor!

Student 2: An Engineer!

Student 3: A Lawyer!

Student 4: I just want to watch and see whether they'll become what they say they'll become."

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One day a college student comes home for spring break, and he and his dad start a conversation.

"So how are your classes?" Asks the father.

"Good."

"How is the football team playing this year?"

"Okay."

"Making new friends?"

"Some."

"What are you thinking of majoring in?"

"Communications."

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A young man studying in a college abroad sent this SMS to his father: Dear dad, no mon, no fun, your son.
The father replied: Dear son, too bad, so sad, your dad.

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Some people at a university operated a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments where students could buy ready-made work. There were papers to suit all needs. The "bank" had A grade, B grade, and C grade papers, since it would be rather suspicious if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay.

A student, who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to the "bank" and purchased a paper with an inconspicuous C grade. He then retyped it and handed in the work to his professor.

Soon, the student received the paper back with the professor's comments, which read, "I wrote this paper myself 25 years ago and I always thought it should have been graded an A, so now I'm more than pleased to give it one!"

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“Now my motto in life,” said the school chaplain, “is work hard, play hard and pray hard. How about you, Harriet?”
“My motto is let bygones be bygones.”
“That’s good. Why did you choose that?”
“Then I wouldn’t have to take any history classes!”

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College jokes Office and Work Jokes School Jokes

A Son who was schooling far away from home once sent a sms to his father. “Father, the situation here is critical. Please, send me some money, suicide contemplated”.
The Father replied, Son, the situation at home is more critical. Suicide approved.

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College jokes School Jokes Money jokes

A college friend was going to meet a young lady he new.
"An old flame? I asked.
He winked and said, "More like an unlit match."

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College jokes Friendship Jokes

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.

"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock", the man replied.

"How's it work?" the friend asked.

"Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIОТ! It's two AM in the morning!

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College
A college's student body is composed of the sons and daughters of the very rich who could not meet the academic requirements of any other college. Lo and behold, the college basketball team wins every game and dominates their league. All this success is due to one amazing player - a cross between Larry Bird and Michael Jordan.
This kid is terrific. The player and the team become the center of nationwide media attention. The student body is thrilled. Now, the NCAA goes to the college and asks for proof of this player's academic eligibility. The college administration promises such documentation in a few days. The faculty works night and day coaching the student for the crucial test.
The day of the public examination arrives, and the entire student body is there to support their star player. A professor stands, and announces the first question, "How much is five and two?" The student frowns in deep concentration - he thinks, he sweats, he shakes with effort. At last he shouts the answer, "SEVEN". The entire student body rises, and as a single voice, they cry. "Give him another chance. Give him another chance".

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A frustrated father told a work colleague: “When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son’s room, he has his own color TV, computer, games console, cell phone and CD player.” “So what do you do?” The father replied: “I send him to my room!”

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College jokes Office and Work Jokes

The teacher was describing the dolphin and its habits.

"And, children, "she said impressively, "a single dolphin will have two thousand offspring."

"Goodness!" gasped a little girl in the back row. "And how about married ones?"

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College jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Single People Jokes School Jokes

The professor of a university was extremely busy explaining something important with regard to his subject to the students when a girl belonging to the same class arrived late at the door and said, "May I get in, sir?"

"Don't you think you're terribly late today?" said the angry professor to the girl.

The girl then said, "When I was coming to college, a boy was following me, sir."

"I hope he hasn't stalked you. Yet, why did you get late?" demanded the professor.

Without a moment hesitation the girl replied, "But, he was walking slowly, sir."

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College jokes School Jokes

Three students all have dinner together, a sophisticate, a vulgarian, and a foreigner. They return to their shared dorm rooms that night and when they wake up in the morning they all have painful gas. The sophisticate says,

"Zounds! I just broke wind with such intense vigor my аnus hurt!"

The vulgarian says,

"Сrар, dude! That fаrт hurt my вuтт-hole!"

The foreigner who would have understood,

"Wow, stinky pain!" tries to fit in by saying,

"Broke fаrт intense вuтт-hole!"

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College jokes School Jokes

A son is calling his mom from college, and telling her that he had just got his degree. The mother says: That's great honey! What kind of degree? And the son, almost squealing with excitement says: The best one ever, a Celsius degree!

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College jokes

Q. Why do University of Michigan graduates hang their diplomas from their rear view mirror?
A. So they can use handicapped parking.

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College jokes

Being at my college often meant having your umbrella taken without your knowledge and if lucky returned during the rainy season. So I was pleasantly surprised when my roommate showed me an umbrella and asked me if it was mine. My umbrella was a brand called "Happy".

So I told him, "Check if it's Happy."

He promptly proceeded to open and close the umbrella twice in quick succession. He looked at me and gravely concluded, "Doesn't sound so happy."

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College jokes

Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet?"

"Two days ago."

"Hmm. Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May, he'll be an engineer. What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college?"

"At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty."

"No, I mean what's he taking in college?"

"He's taking every penny I make."

"Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?"

"He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil."

"Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?"

"Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about him!"

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College jokes Men jokes

There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course.

He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.

"Tell me your choice;" said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said:
"It's the DAY, sir."

"How???????" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

Admission for the course was thus secured.

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College jokes Men jokes School Jokes

Back in my hippie college days, a professor came up to me in the cafeteria and asked me, "Ya dig?"

I thought to myself, this guy's pretty far out. I answered, "Yeh, man. I dig!"

That's how I got hoodwinked into joining his archaeological expedition.

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College jokes Men jokes

College meals are generally unpopular with those who have to eat them - and sometimes with good reason. “What kind of pie do you call this?” asked one student indignantly.
“What’s it taste like?” asked the cook.”
“Glue!”
“Then it’s apple pie - the plum pie tastes like soap.”

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COLLEGE MATHEMATICS EXAM PAPER

INSTRUCTIONS: ATTEMPT ALL QUESTIONS. ALL QUESTIONS CARRY EQUAL MARKS.

You have dated a girl for 2 years, eventually she drops you for another guy. Calculate the percentage of time wasted.
(20 marks)

You bought a phone for your girlfriend and she gave it to another guy. Using trigonometric identities, derive a general formula for this type of love.
(20 marks)

(For Boys) You’re dating around 15 girls and every girl is demanding for a Samsung Galaxy and an iPhone 6s.

(a) Plot a graph of girls against prices of phones.
(15 marks)

(b) Use your graph to estimate your future poverty.
(5 marks)

You are dating other peoples’ sisters yet you don’t want to see any guy with your sister. Calculate the Percentage Error in your thinking capacity.
(20 marks)

You are a civil servant, your wife is a petty trader, your combined household income is less than $500. Your daughter who is awaiting result is using iPhone 6s and Samsung Galaxy both worth $2,000. Calculate the Percentage of your Parental Negligence.
(20 marks)

(For girls) You’re a girl and you have dated 20 guys with hard labor, use the law of diminishing return to calculate the substance that will be left for your husband to enjoy.
(20 marks)

You can’t give your wife $15 for a рот of soup, but you spend over $100 in bars and restaurants. Calculate the radius of your ‘stupidity’, take p=3.142.
(20 marks)

GOOD LUCK!

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When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant.

Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, "Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag!"

It was then he realized we'd removed the drainpipe beneath the sink.

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College jokes Sports Jokes

Q: What do college students and deer have in common?
A: They both stand in the middle of the road and stare at your headlights.

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College jokes School Jokes

Professor: And now, Mr. Jones, what do you know about French syntax?

Student: I didn't know they had to pay any.

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College jokes School Jokes

A college student stated, " I DON'T LIKE HISTORY."

"THERE'S NO FUTURE IN IT."

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College jokes School Jokes

How many PHILOSOPHERS does it take to change a light bulb?

TWO: One to argue it's not dark. The other to argue that true light is impossible.

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College jokes Light bulb jokes

Now that the new "professor watch" site is in operation, my college professors just stand there and don't know what to say.

Now I just read the books, but my GPA has climbed an entire point!

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College jokes

While visiting Annapolis, a lady tourist noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.

"What are they doing?" she asked the tour guide.

"Each year," he replied with a grin, "the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."

When they were out of earshot of the freshmen, the curious lady asked the guide:
"So, what's the answer?"

The guide replied:
"One."

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College jokes School Jokes

A new student at Harvard stopped an upperclassman and asked, "Where's the library at?"

The upperclassman said, "Never end a sentence with a preposition. Cops do it on TV, but it isn't proper, so to speak."

The new student said, "Pardon me. Where's the library at, МОRОN?"

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College jokes School Jokes

Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be a good educational experience.
(I stayed out too late last night and didn't have time to prepare a lecture.)

The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important.
(I don't understand the details either.)

The test scores were generally good.
(Some of you managed a 'C'.)

Some of you could have done better.
(Everyone failed.)

It's been very rewarding to teach this class.
(I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.)

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The math professor says, "Pi R square"....

But everyone knows "Pi R ROUND"!

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College jokes Math Jokes

What did the iodine say to copper?

"I Cu!"

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College jokes

A college freshman decided to try out for the football team.
"Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed.
Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman.
He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach.
"But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds.
"Well, sir," he said,
"If I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

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