Bureaucrat Jokes

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get sсrеwеd!"
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3 dads bragging about their children's success gets a surprise when a 4th dad tells them this!
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Dаrn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually, he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for"?
One of the three said: "We were talking abo ut the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gаy and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!"
Quatre types sont en train de se raconter des histoires dans un bar. Трима приятели се срещнали след дълги години и седнали да си разправят кой на какъв хал е. Vier vrienden treffen elkaar na zo´n dertig jaar opnieuw tijdens een feestje. Nadat ze een aantal borrels hebben gedronken, gaat er één van hen naar het toilet. De drie die achterblijven beginnen...
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Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer...

David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gаy cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go home with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "he works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
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College
A college's student body is composed of the sons and daughters of the very rich who could not meet the academic requirements of any other college. Lo and behold, the college basketball team wins every game and dominates their league. All this success is due to one amazing player - a cross between Larry Bird and Michael Jordan.
This kid is terrific. The player and the team become the center of nationwide media attention. The student body is thrilled. Now, the NCAA goes to the college and asks for proof of this player's academic eligibility. The college administration promises such documentation in a few days. The faculty works night and day coaching the student for the crucial test.
The day of the public examination arrives, and the entire student body is there to support their star player. A professor stands, and announces the first question, "How much is five and two?" The student frowns in deep concentration - he thinks, he sweats, he shakes with effort. At last he shouts the answer, "SEVEN". The entire student body rises, and as a single voice, they cry. "Give him another chance. Give him another chance".
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Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger? A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have in common? A: They both look like the work of a butcher.
Q: If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents? A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.
Q: Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair? A: He won't pay her $300.
Q: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton? A: His face.
Q: What is the Arkansas state flower? A: Gennifer.
Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours? A: Put Janet Reno in charge.
Q: What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp? A: One's a sсuм suскing bottom feeder and the other's a fish.
Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull? A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.
Q: How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to hurt you"? A:"Trust me."
Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda? A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a соw? A: By the wise look in the eyes.
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies? A: He's the stiff one.
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two--One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None--He'll only promise "change."
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: He doesn't! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Because they can't afford any more pork.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Reagan ate all the jellybeans.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: They've been having turkey for years.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.
Q: What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth? A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!
Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did? A: A dead girlfriend.
Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress? A: No fee--If No Recovery!
Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet? A: They were dating the same girl in high school.
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying? A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face? A: If his lips are moving, then he's lying.
Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common? A: Neither one is very bright.
Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight? A: Runs away from the draft.
Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]? A: He's got his jogging suit on.
Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team? A: The Dodgers.
Q: What's Bill's fondest wish now? A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.
Q: What's a Clinton sandwich? A: Pure bologna piled high and deep.
Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1? A: For spare parts.
Q: Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled? A: Now it's got two left wings.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"? A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist? A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.
Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land first? A: Who cares!
Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck? A: Trying to save both faces.
Q: If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved? A: The United States of America!
Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails? A: Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.
Q: Why does Chelsea look so sтuрid and ugly? A: Heredity.
Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school? A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!
Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common? A: They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.
Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone? A: He turned into Hillary!
Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election? A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!
Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely? A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!
Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to sсrеw in a light bulb? A: Two--one to sсrеw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.
Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes? A: None. The democrats do that.
Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws? A: None. The Sociali--Democrats do that.
Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They like to keep him in the dark!
Q: Why do liberals travel in threes? A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.
Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in? A: A noose.
Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in? A: Handcuffs.
Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble? A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.
Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials? A: A police lineup.
Q: What's a conservative? A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.
Q: What is a conservative? A: A liberal who's been mugged.
Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician? A: Chelsea.
Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you? A: They get elected.
Q: What famous Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for? A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?
Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child? A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road? A: To tax the chicken.
Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics? A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.
Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury? A: When he's sworn in.
Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf? A: Depends on how many were photographed.
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road? A: To meet the chick.
Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike? A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.
Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore? A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.
Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess? A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.
Q: Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died? A: Bill Clinton of course!
Q: How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had? A: A mandate to govern.
Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane?A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night.
Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke? A: "You idiот! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!
Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America? A: "Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!!"
Q: Why doesn't Bill like old houses? A: He's afraid of the draft.
Q: What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant? A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh? A: Koresh only burned 85 people.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh? A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin? A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.
Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb? A: One--she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
Q: What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver? A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.
Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House? A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
Q: When will there be a woman in the White House? A: When Hillary leaves town.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt? A: Yogurt has culture.
Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas? A: Highway 55.
Q: Why does Clinton always have a sтuрid grin on his face? A: He is sтuрid!
Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice? A: He keeps having to eat his words.
Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead? A: His heart stops bleeding.
Q: How does Al Gore spell potato? A: T-A-T-E-R.
Q: Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child? A: Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.
Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade? A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.
Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America? A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter? A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.
Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents? A: He's the stiff one.
Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life? A: Grade six.
Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get? A: Coffee.
Q: What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect? A: Everything's $100.
Q: What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow? A: To study economics.
Q: What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses? A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.
Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school? A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter? A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.
Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier? A: To promote off-shore drilling.
Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin? A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.
Q: What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals? A: They all make a living by lying to people.
Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide? A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.
Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown? A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.
Q: What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common? A: They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave".
Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President? A: A competent liberal President.
Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up? A: "Good morning, Bill."
Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years? A: Unite the Republican Party.
Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia? A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.
Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb? A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.
Q: When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions? A: When he married outside of his family.
Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents? A: Absolutely nothing.
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis? A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.
Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton? A: Because he filed as head of the household.
Q: How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut? A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks.
Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy? A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
Q: Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax? A: Because they could spell it.
Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called? A: The whine cellar.
Q: Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House? A: There is White-out on the screen.
Q: How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers? A: There is writing on the White-out.
Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: How is Bill Clinton like a passive-restraint device? A: He is a bag of air that is not on the driver's side.
Q: How is Bill like a character actor? A: When he shows character, he's acting.
Q: What is Hillary's favorite holiday? A: Summer Solstice.
Q: What do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts? A: Change.
Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla? A: Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.
Q: What is Clinton's favorite war song? A: "Over Here"
Q: What costume did Bill Clinton wear to a Halloween party that scared everyone to death? A: He came dressed as a two-term president.
Q: Why is Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected? A: If he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad neighborhood.
Q: What is the difference between liberalism and socialism? A: Socialism is dead.
Q: What is the difference between Clinton's health care plan and a kidney stone? A: A kidney stone is easier to pass.
Q: What is the difference between Нiтlеr and Bill Clinton? A: Нiтlеr intended to deliver on his speeches.
Q: What is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR? A: The U.S. still has a Communist Party in power.
Q: What does Clinton need to stop the white water? A: A water gate.
Q: Why are they renaming Arkansas Highway 50 the "Bill Clinton Highway?" A: The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.
Q: What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common? A: They both dominate Bills.
Q: What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and the Clintons? A: The Conners own their own home.
Q: What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate? A: No one died in Watergate.
Q: What is Hillary's new nickname after her latest hairstyle? A: Oldielocks.
Q: What are the administration's favorite words in foreign policy? A: We have not ruled out military force.
Q: What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowski's legal fund? A: A free stamp.
Q: Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton? A: He can't give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
Q: Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, hеrреs, or Bill Clinton? A: Gonorrhea--it can be cured.
Q: Why was Roger Clinton's wedding delayed 5 days? A: The bride's father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun.
Q: How are Congressmen and baseball players alike? A: They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not finishing what they had started.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic? A: To attend D-Day celebrations.
Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean? A: A man without a clue.
Q: How did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning to go to war? A: He visited Oxford.
Q: How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher? A: No class and no principals.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket? A: A pickpocket snatches watches.
Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo? A: They both have Bills that are losers.
Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government? A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form...democracy.
Q: Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haiti's military? A: John Elway.
Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East? A: He thinks the Gaza Sтriр is a торlеss bar.
Q: Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president? A: Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.
Q: What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford? A: They both became president without being elected.
Q: What's the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton? A: BIll Clinton burned 260,000,000 people.
Q: What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full? A: An optimist.
Q: Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as half empty? A: Teddy Kennedy.
Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assassination? A: He couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish!
Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth? A: He thought he was in a confessional.
Q: Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T? A: They didn't have enough friends left to make a calling circle.
Q: What's the difference between President Hoover and Clinton? A: One promised a chicken in every рот and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked рот.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get away from Bill Clinton.
Q: What's the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve? A: Clinton is dead from the neck up.
Q: Where are the two biggest airbags located? A: The White House.
Q: Who was the first liberal Democrat? A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and did it all on borrowed money.
Q: Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of вееr at Clinton? A: Yes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.
Q: What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby? A: To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust.
Q: Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new breed of chicken and named it in honor of Bill Clinton? A: It's a brainless, spineless, tar-and-feathers yellow chicken.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation? A: Because no one could get this sтuрid in one lifetime.
Q: Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on Wednesday? A: It was Secretaries' Day and he was too cheap to buy his a present!
Q: What's a word for Clintons '92 campaign A: A snow job.
Q: What will you get if Clinton's health bill passes? A: No Job.
Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb? A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!
Q: What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had? A: Vice-president of the United States.
Q: Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll? A: You pull a little ring and it never tells the same story twice!
Q: What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common? A: Nothing . . . yet.
Q: Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's speaking engagements? A: So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks.
Q: What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy? A: If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family--you're happy.
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A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.
(Actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S. , from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain
The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Сhrisт, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our dамn loan?"
The loan was approved.
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A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
She received the following reply:
National Defence Headquarters
MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa .
You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L. A. R. K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.
We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.
We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
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