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Money jokes

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Listen, money fall out in front of me, they could come over to my house while I'm standing there in a leather Karl Kani suit, waxing a new Benz - I don't know nothin' about it.
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Money jokes
What Do I Look Like?
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like - Mr. Plumber?"
A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like - Mr. Goodwrench?"
A couple weeks later, the wife found a leak in the roof. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?"
"What do I look like - Bob Vila?" He sat down with a вееr and watched a game on TV.
One rainy weekend, the husband realized the leak on the roof was gone. He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.
When his wife returned home, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks and the car's running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.
"Wow, did he charge us anything?"
"No, he said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sеx with him."
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?"
"Cake? What the hеll do I look like - Betty Crocker?"
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Money jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Blue Collar Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Beer Jokes
They've opened up a new casino for people on welfare.
When you put a food stamp in the slot machine and it lands on three babies, you win a block of cheese!
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Money jokes
Q: What's the difference between a реnis and a paycheck?
A: You don't have to beg your wife to вlоw your paycheck.
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Money jokes Jokes about Women One-Liner Jokes
A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."
The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."
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Money jokes Veterinarian Jokes Dog jokes
I don't have a lot of sеx, man.
I really don't 'cause there are lot of obligations that come with sеx... like paying people's rent. It's too expensive.
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Money jokes
When they show you those starving kid commercials, why do they have to show you the starvingest kid they can find?
You know, they have to show you a kid on the side of the road, with flies on it. 'Cause I'm sitting there, I'm thinking, 'I wouldn't go send but five dollars. It takes three days for the mail to get there. By the time my five dollars gets there, that kid's gonna be dead. Show me a kid that's got five or six months left, I can work with him.'
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Money jokes
A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his реnis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will вlоw these days."
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Tattoo Idea Tattooed Wang Отива мутра в салон за татуировки и казва: Geht ein Mann zum Tätowierer und sagt, er hätte gerne einen 500-Euro-Schein auf dem Schwanz tätowiert. Fragt der Tätowierer: Мъж татуирал на кура си сто доларова банкнота. Питали го защо? А той: Un conseil de banquier......Vous ne savez que faire de votre argent? Voici la solution : Faites vous tatouez un euro sur votre sexe et vous aurez le plaisir d'avoir 5 avantages 1) Vous verrez croître vos investisements 2) Vous prendrez plaisir à toucher votre pognon 3) Vous ne verrez plus d'un... O sujeito foi fazer uma tatuagem e ordenou ao tatuador: — Quero que você tatue uma nota de 100 reais no meu pênis! — Você tá louco, cara? — perguntou o tatuador, perplexo — Isso aí vai doer pra cacete! Aliás, vai doer no cacete! — Não tem problema —... Det var en kille som gick till tatueraren och bad att få en 100 kronors sedel tatuerad på det allra heligaste, men han tvekade och frågade varför. - Jo jag har tre skäl. För det första så gillar... 3 reasons why you should get a $100 bill tattooed onto your salami. 1. You can play with your money. 2. You can watch your money grow. 3. Every woman loves to blow money. Ein Mann kommt in ein Tattoo-Studio und möchte auf sein bestes Stück einen Tausender tätowiert haben. Dort ist man zwar an ungewöhnliche Wünsche gewöhnt, aber der Schrödinger ist neu, daher möchte...
Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes
A man walks into a pharmacy and tells the salesgirl that he's looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him to the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton ваlls on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
"You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she."
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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes
Q: What did one penny say to the other penny?
A: "Let's get together and make some cents."
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Money jokes
Once there was a farmer with three sons. He gave a duck to his eldest son and told him to see how much money he could get for it at the market. The eldest son came back later in the day, shouting "Dad, I got $10 for the duck!"
The farmer said "Well done, son."
The next day, the farmer sent the middle son to the market with a duck and he came back with $20. "Well done, son," said the farmer.
He then sent the youngest son to the market to see how much he could get for the duck. On the way to the market, the son met a рrоsтiтuте.
"I'll give you a f**k if you give me that duck," said the рrоsтiтuте. After they did it, the рrоsтiтuте said, "That was so good, I'll give you the duck back if you f**k me again." He did, and then he went on to the market.
On the way, the duck flew out of his arms and was run over by a truck. The truck driver jumped out of the cab and said "Oh no, I'm so sorry! Here's $50 to pay for it."
The youngest son went back to the farm and said to his father, "Hey, Dad! I got a f**k for a duck, a duck for a f**k, and $50 bucks for a f**ked up duck."
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Money jokes
Q: Why did the perv go into Victoria's Secret?
A: The раnтiеs were half off.
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Money jokes
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sеxuаl sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional, schmectional. All I want is an occasional piece in the living room."
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Money jokes
Q: What has six ваlls and rips you off daily?
A: The lottery.
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Money jokes
Q: What are six inches long and irresistible to women?
A: Dollar bills.
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Money jokes
Q: What does sеx have in common with a savings account?
A: You lose interest once you make a withdrawal.
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Money jokes
A father and son were on a fishing trip when the dad pulled out a вееr.
"Can I have one, Dad?"
"Can your d**k touch your a**hole?"
"No."
"Then you can't have one." The dad took out a cigarette.
"Dad, can I smoke one, too?"
"Can your d**k touch your a**hole?"
"No."
"Then you can't have one."
On the way back, the dad bought two lottery tickets, one for his son and one for him. The dad won two dollars and the son won $500. The dad was surprised and a bit jealous.
"You're going to share that with me, aren't you, son?"
"Can your d**k touch your a**hole?"
"Yes."
"Then go f**k yourself."
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Money jokes Beer Jokes
My mom was the kind that'd send us to church but didn't go...
She'd give us scripture and didn't even know it. She just made up books. ''Cause in the Book of Ricky, it says you should give your mama five percent of your gross income.'
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Money jokes
Even Mother Nature has enough sense to stay out of the projects.
You know your neighborhood is bad when the weather don't want to come to it.
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Money jokes
Q: Two coins add up to thirty cents, and one of them is not a nickel. What are they?
A: A quarter and a nickel. Only one of them is not a nickel.
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Money jokes
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