Money jokes - Page 61

I don't believe in cancer walks. Well, I believe in them because they exist but I'd rather just give money straight up and save my Saturday afternoon. I can make my own t-shirt, that's not incentive. Plus I don't think cancer responds to how far people walk. I don't think cancer's sitting at home, 'What? How many people walked how far? How many people walked how far wearing the same shirt? That's crazy! I'm out of here!' Remission.

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I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes

It has been revealed that the latest research shows more money is now spent on воов jobs and Viаgrа than on Alzheimer’s research.
This means that by 2040, the elderly will all have perky тiтs and stiff соскs, but have absolutely no idea why.

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Money jokes Old People Jokes Boob Jokes

A guy is walking around an auction and sees a mirror going for $25,000 and finds a lady and asked why it was priced so high? She said the mirror will do whatever you ask it to. So the guy buys the mirror and takes it home, his wife is upset with how much money he just spent on the mirror. When he explains what the mirror does she's like okay let's try it out. Mirror mirror on the wall I want 34 dd and boom she grew large воовs! Then the man walks up and says mirror mirror on the wall I want a diск that touches the ground, boom his legs fell off!

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Money jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

Four secrets of a happy marriage.
1. Find a woman who can cook and clean.
2. Find a woman who is an animal in bed.
3. Find a woman with lots of money.
4. Make sure none of these 3 women ever meet each-other.

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These three men went into business together and the first one said:
“I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I’m the president and chairman of the board.”
“I put up thirty percent of the money,” said the second, “so I’m appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer.”
“Well I put up five percent,” pointed out the third partner. “What’s that make me?”
The chairman said, “I’m appointing you vice president of sеx and music.”
“That sounds mighty fine,” said the third man, “but what does it mean?”
“It means what when I want your fсuкing advice, I’ll whistle.”

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Old Granny Parkinson had won over half a million dollars in the lottery, but as she was a frail little woman her family was concerned that the shock of hearing the news might prove too much for her. Accordingly, they called in the family doctor to ask his advice.
“I’ll tell her if you like,” said the doctor. “I’ll lead up to it gradually.” The family accepted his offer gratefully, and showed him into the old lady’s bedroom. The doctor pretended to give her a routine examination and then began to chat generally of this and that, carefully leading the conversation ‘round to money. “Tell me Mrs. Parkinson,” he said, “what would you do if you suddenly came into half a million dollars?”
“Half a million?” said the old lady reflectively, “well you’ve always been very good to me, doctor, so I think I’d give half of it to you.”
And the doctor immediately collapsed and died of shock.

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Jokes about Women News and Politics Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Last night I left my dentures under my pillow by accident. The Tooth Fairy must have come by because she left me a pile of Monopoly money with a note saying, "Nice try."

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Money jokes

Who the hеll is ‘Larry’??? Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and,
Linda , his wife says,’where the hеll have u been?’
Larry replies, ‘I was out getting a tattoo.’
Linda frowning: ‘A tattoo? what kind of tattoo did u get?’
Larry: ‘I got a Hundred dollar bill on my private’.
Linda shaking her head in disgust: ‘what the hеll are you thinking? why on earth woud an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his private?’
Larry: ‘Well one, I like to watch my money grow. Two- once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, u can stay right here at home and вlоw a hundred bucks anytime you want.’

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

No matter who's president, it costs us money whatever they like. [Reagan] likes jelly beans. Carter liked peanuts; the price of peanuts went up. When Kennedy was president, you couldn't get a hоокеr for under $75.

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Congress is going to start paying their own parking tickets. What noble public servants. Imagine the commitment of these people, paying their own parking tickets. Hey fellas, you want to impress us? Pay our parking tickets.

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Money jokes

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.".
I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

I’m sick of Christmas already. I work my fingers to the воnе every year to earn enough money to buy my kids the expensive presents they want and what happens?
That fат fuскеr with the beard gets all the credit….
Still, it’s my own sтuрid fault for marrying her.

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There's a robbery at the cereal factory. The robber takes all of the money and then puts a gun to the manager's head. The robber asks "Any last requests?" and the manager says "LIFE." (Get it the cereal, LIFE)

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Money jokes

A young woman wasn't feeling well and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.
"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said,
"Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

If there is one thing I hate to see, is people wasting their money on pointless things that make no difference
Like when fат girls get nice haircuts.

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Money jokes Fat Jokes

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

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Money jokes Kids Jokes

My sister was the smart one. She took the dentures, stuck them under her pillow -- got a motorbike the next day.

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Money jokes

No matter how much money you give a homeless person for a cup of tea, you never get that tea.

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Money jokes

Ya know, Starbucks keeps popping up all over the place, and they don't have a slogan yet. So I thought of one for them. Let's see if you guys like it:
'It's really expensive, but the line is long.'

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Money jokes