Money jokes - Page 72

A young guy was feeling ill, so he asked a friend to recommend an internist. “I know a great one,” his friend said, “but he’s very expensive. He charges $400 for the first visit and $100 for each visit after that.”
The guy went to see the doctor. Trying to save money, he greeted the doctor when he entered the exam room with an animated “I’m back!”
The doctor proceeded with the examination. “Very good,” he said when he was finished.
“Just continue the treatment I prescribed last time.”

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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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Money jokes

While sitting through an exceptionally long sermon, little Donny was getting more restless by the minute. Suddenly in a loud whisper, he blurted out, "If we give him the money now, do you think he will let us leave?"

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A black man walks into a petrol station and says, “Give me all the money in the till or I’ll вlоw your brains out!”
The cashier says, “But you haven’t got a gun!”
The black man replies, “Sorry, force of habit. Pump number four, please.”

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Hustler Magazine is probably the worst magazine in the world. You ever look at that thing? It's awful. You just get the impression that their motto is, 'We don't spend a whole lot of money on good looking women, and we pass the savings along to you.'

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This quiz consists of four questions that will tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the door.
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct answer:The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking. OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.
4. There is a river that is known to have many crocodiles in it. How do you cross it?
Correct Answer: Simply swim across it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting!
That completes the test!
If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you’re a true professional. Wealth awaits you.
If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there’s hope for you.
If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint.
If you answered one out of four, try selling your organs. It’s the only way you will ever make any money.
If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as management, politics, law or medicine.

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Yet again one of my jokes was freaking stolen by a sтuрid ваsтаrd that just re-worded it to make it seem like it was theirs but it's very obvious that it's been stolen.
To the person who typed THIS:
'An police officer pulls a car over and said, sir you have won a $300 reward for winning a driving the safest contest. The officer asked the driver, sir what are you going to don with the money. The driver replies I will go get my drivers license. Then his wife in the passenger seat jumps into the comversation and said that my husband is a bit sтuрid when he's drunк officer. Then a guy wakes up in the back seat and yells I knew we were not going far with this stolen car. Then there was a thump in the trunk and a voice said have crossed the border yet.'
Please, if you see this joke, vote LAME. It was stolen. I am the creator of the one where they win $1000, it's pretty obvious it was stolen. Mine was done ages ago, but this was done a few days ago.
Thanks ваsтаrd.
Sincerely,
A very рissеd person.

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I walked into the bank and said to the cashier, “I’d like to open a joint account please.”
“OK, with whom though?”
“Whoever has a lot of money.”

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Money jokes

A drunк woman, stark nакеd, jumped into a taxi in New York City. The taxi driver, who happened to be an old Punjabi man, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
She said to him, “What’s wrong with you honey? Haven’t you ever seen a nакеd woman before?”
The old man said “Lady, I’m not staring at you, I am telling you, det vould not be proper vair I come from”.
She said, “Well, if you’re not staring at my воовs sweetie, what are you doing then?”
He said, “Vell, I am looking and I’m looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hеll is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?”

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The DJ called me and said, “We are going live in a few seconds, I’m going to ask you what you’re going to spend your money on and I want you to tell the listeners on air.”
“Okay” I replied.
He said, “3…2….1….. Congratulations to Marc, our competition winner, what are you going to spend the money on?”
I said, “I’m going to spend it on air.”

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of вееr and a ham sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my вееr and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his вееr, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks вееr, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"
"Yeah!" the bartender replies.
"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.
"Of course," the bartender replies.
"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says:
"What would they want with a plasterer???"

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Animal Jokes

I got attacked by ransomware and was asked for money...
I sent them my pay stub...
Not only did they immediately remove the malware from my system, but they also put some money into my account.

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Money jokes

I'm a prince in Lagos, Nigeria and I want you to help me move $500 million out of the country.

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Money jokes

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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She took my son to Costco, bought 14 pounds of Oreos -- saved us money somehow. I don't know how. The coupon queen worked that out.

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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman.
Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

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When I was at school there were no laptops, tablets, i phones or anything else like that.
We had to get by with just stealing tiffin money.

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Money is the root of all wealth.

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Money jokes

An Australian was having a party and invited all his neighbors including the local shopkeeper Abdul.
He says to his guests “We can’t go in the pool yet because there’s a 12ft crocodile it, but I will give $1000 to the first person who can jump in and кill it!”
Then there was a splash and there was Abdul thrashing about with the ‘crock’ for about 5 minutes, he kills it and jumps out covered in blood !
The host says “That was amazing here’s the money”
Abdul says “Thanks …… I’ll give $1000 to the person that tells me who the fuск pushed me in!”

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Money jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

Two guys walking down the street talking. One says to the other, "I wish I had a million dollars."
The second guy says,
"Oh, I'm working on my second million."
"Really?" asked the first guy, surprised.
"Yea, I gave up on the first million, didn't quite work out."

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