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A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a sтuрid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. David decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.
So off he goes with an ugly, sтuрid woman, while he pretends to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Steve up ahead - with an even uglier woman. When he asks what’s going on, Steve replies, “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
David, Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Don up ahead. He is with an absolutely gorgeous woman who looks like a supermodel/centrefold. Stunned, David and Steve approach the man and discover that it is their friend Don. They ask him how he got this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these God-awful women.
Don replies, “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have had five years of the best sеx any man could hope to have. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Every time we finish having sеx, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, “Fсuкing income taxes!”
A prospector and silver miner has had a string of bad luck and to make manners worse, his sеxuаl equipment is backed up from lack of nookie and he is as hоrny as a billy goat with four ваlls.
So he saddles up his mule and goes into town to visit the local sporting-house.
The Madam laughs at him when he says he wants a girl for $10. He says, “It’s all the money I’ve got, don’t you have someone?”
The Madam says, “all right, you can have Old Aggie. Go down the hall, count four doors on your left and go in door four. There isn’t a light switch in there, so fumble and feel around in the dark to find the bed, then you’ll find old Aggie lying there. Her hygiene isn’t very good so you’ll have to put up with the odor.”
The prospector heads down the hall. About 20 minutes later, he returns to the Madam’s desk.
“How was Old Aggie?”
“Well, the smell was pretty bad like you said. I found her pretty wet and lubed up, so that wasn’t bad. But every time I tried to kiss her, I got a mouthful of cold, wet rice.”
The Madam smiled. “You get what you pay for. That wasn’t rice, it was maggots. Old Aggie has been dead for almost a week.”
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven”?
“NO”! the children answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven”?
Again, the answer was, “NO”! By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven”?” I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, “NO”! I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven”?
A six-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE Fuскing DEAD