Old People Jokes

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Herm is 85 years old and retired.
He gets a checkup with his physician.
A week or so afteward the doc sees Herm strolling the boardwalk with his arm around a beautiful, comely young female.
The doctor stops him and asks, “Herm, you must be feeling terrific, yes?”
Herman says, “Just following orders, Doc. You told me to get a hot mama and be cheerful."
The physician exclaims, “Herm, that's not what I told you!
I said, ‘Your heart's got a murmur.
Be careful.’”

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Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Old People Jokes

In the town I have met one older woman, she told me:
"if you give me ten euros, I will pray for your black soul."
I gave her the ten euros, became suspicious, didn't believe her and told her:
"ok, but pray for me right now, not in the evening."
The woman has begun:
"guardian angel, please, take care of my soul, forgive me all my sins and give me everything I need in my life."
I have asked her only:
"for my money?"

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Car and driving jokes Money jokes Religion jokes Old People Jokes

Yo mama so old when she raised her eyebrows they fell off.

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Yo Momma Jokes Old People Jokes Ugly Jokes

Yo momma is so old that her тiттiеs sag all the way to hеll!

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Yo Momma Jokes Old People Jokes Vulgar jokes

I was speaking at my grandpa’s funeral and I told everybody his last words: “You still holding the latter?”

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Old People Jokes Last Word Jokes

An old lady was getting on the bus to go to the pet cemetery with her cat's remains. As she got on the bus, she whispered to the bus driver, "I have a dead p*ssy." The driver pointed to the lady sitting behind him and said, "Sit with my wife, you two have a lot in common."

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Sexist Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Old People Jokes

Doctor (to an absent-minded patient):
"What is wrong with you?"
Patient:
"I am losing my memory. Please prescribe some medicine."
Doctor (Handing him the prescription after a while):
"Here, Take this."
Patient:
"Why are you giving me this prescription? I am perfectly all right."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Drug Jokes Old People Jokes

A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital.
After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead.
The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter (who wasn't blonde any longer, but just had to be at one time) that her mother didn't make it.
"Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" the former blonde asked.

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Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Blonde Jokes Old People Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Yo mama's feet are so ashy, it looks like she kicks flour for a living.

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Yo Momma Jokes Old People Jokes

‘My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.”
So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.
It was my grandfather.’

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Money jokes Old People Jokes Grandparent Jokes

A 65 year old blonde has a baby.
All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says “not yet.”
A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again the mother says “not yet.”
Finally they say, “When can we see the baby?”
And the mother says, “When the baby cries.”
And they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”
The new mother says, “because I forgot where I put it.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Blonde Jokes Old People Jokes Baby Jokes

The young fellow is about to marry and asks his grandfather how often a married couple should have sеx.
His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day; later on, maybe once a week. As you get older, you have sеx maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary."
The young fellow asks, "How about you and Grandma?"
His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have оrаl sеx now. She goes into her bedroom and I go into my bedroom. She yells, 'F**k you,' and I holler back, 'F**k you, too!'"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Old People Jokes Grandparent Jokes

An elderly retired couple went to a doctor.
The man said, "We want to know if we are making love properly.
Will you look at us?"
"Go ahead," said the doctor. They made love.
"You are making love perfectly," the doctor said.
"That will be $10."
They came back six weeks in a row and did the same thing.
On the seventh visit the doctor said, "What are you coming here like this for - I told you that you are making love properly!"
"She can't come to my house," said the man, "and I can't go to her house.
A motel costs $20.
You charge us $10 and we get $8 back from Medicare."

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Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Love Jokes

A son and the dad are walking around on the streets.
The dad stops the son and says, "Son, if you don't stop маsтurватing, you are going to go blind."
The son says, "Dad! I'm over here!"

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Kids Jokes Old People Jokes Masturbation jokes Dad Jokes

An old man tells his psychiatrist that he is already very old and he has committed during his life many sins.
The psychiatrist wanted to help him, so he has asked him:
"And how long are you with your wife?"
The man answered:
"45 years."
The psychiatrist said:
"Don´t have the fear, because after your death you will be surely added to the sufferers, sleep well."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Old People Jokes

Your mama so old she still owes Jesus five bucks.

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Money jokes Yo Momma Jokes Old People Jokes Christian Jokes

4-year-old: Why are you my dad?
Me: Because I made you.
4: How?
Me: ...
4: O.o
Me: ...
4: O.O
Me: With Legos.

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Old People Jokes Dad Jokes Kids Jokes

I like my couches like my I like my women…
Old, used, and big enough to fit 3 men.

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Men jokes Old People Jokes Fitness jokes

Friendly reminder that Adele and Taylor Swift are the same age, yet one is pregnant and another stuck in middle school.

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School Jokes Old People Jokes Friendship Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Kids Jokes Music and Musician Jokes