Jokes about Police Officers

So this guy is speeding down a freeway, miles above the speed limit, and a cop pulls him over. …
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He comes up to the man and asks, “Why were you speeding today sir?” …
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The man replies, “I’m a juggler in a circus, and I’m late for my next show. I apologize. I assume you’ll be needing my license and registration.” …
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The cop looks intrigued, and says “whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggling! If you let me film you for a minute and send it to my daughter, I’ll let you go with a warning.” …
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The juggler says, “officer, I don’t have my equipment with me, I had to ship it separately.” the officer thinks for a minute, and brings back five flares from his car and lights them. …
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The juggler effortlessly starts to toss and catch the flaming flares and the officer is very impressed.
Meanwhile, another man driving by pulls over and stops his car. he gets out, stumbles into the back seat of the police car, and closes the door. the officer slowly approaches, hand on his gun, and says “sir, I’m going to have to ask you to slowly step out of the vehicle.”
The man looks at the cop and chuckles, his words slurred, “sorry officer but I ain’t never gonna pass that new sobriety test you got there”

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Read in the newspaper today that the police are looking for a racist attacker. I called them up to ask how much money they were offering but apparently it wasn’t a job advertisement.

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A policeman has just stopped a drunк driver and given him a breathalyser test.
‘I’m sorry, sir,’ says the policeman.
‘But this bag tells me you’ve been drinking too much.’
‘What a coincidence!’ exclaims the driver.
‘I’ve got a bag at home that does the exactly the same thing!'

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Police Officer Jokes

A drunк man was smoking drugs while driving.
The policeman stop him and says,
"Show me you ID?"
The drunк man, "What drugs?"

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Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Drug Jokes

A policeman knocked on my door last night.
He said, “A man was badly beaten up in the pub last night, he has a fractured cheekbone, a broken nose and 2 black eyes.”
“Really?” I asked.
He said, “Yes, we think it was you.”
I said, “Well it wasn’t me, look at my face.”

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Just a note to anyone thinking of breaking into and entering my home: Due to the high cost of ammunition, NO warning shots will be fired.
The police will only be of use drawing a chalk line around you.

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Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes

I was playing pool with a black man in America today when he had to stretch across the table to рот a ball.
The police barged in to the place and shot him for resisting a rest.

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A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.
"Mam, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"?
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!!
I almost had an accident!
I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me.
I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me.
I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

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Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”
“I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”
“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.”
“Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”
“Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urinе sample.”
“Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.”
“Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.”
“Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunк!”

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Some years ago a local jewelry store donated a set of four time zone clocks to my hometown Police Department in Maywood, NJ.
The first week all four clocks ran fine. On Monday the weekly test of the building generator was conducted.. The eastern, central and western clocks ran perfectly. While the mountain zone clock ran backwards.
The problem continued. Needless to say, "the time" was always in question.

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Police Officer Jokes Monday jokes

A policeman knocked on my door in the early hours.
“Oh my God, what is it? My daughter is late home. Oh God, no. Please, no.”
He said, “I’m sorry sir, there’s been a terrible accident.”
Sobbing, I asked, “What is it?”
“We’ve knocked on the wrong door.”

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God Jokes Police Officer Jokes Masturbation jokes

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.
A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.

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Police Officer Jokes

A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen.
The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.

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Sports Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, maybe your radar gun needs calibrating.'

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John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said,
"I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said,
"I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said,
"Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said,
"I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked.
"Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunк."

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Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes

Just heard on the news about the 1993 luggage мurdеr. Apparently the police are reopening the case

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News and Politics Jokes Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes

A German got pulled over by the police in France.
Police officer:
“Name?”
German:
“Heinrich Klimt”
Police officer:
“Age?”
German:
“31”
Police officer:
“occupation?”
German:
“No, no. Just visiting”

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Office and Work Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Police Officer Jokes

1. You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect to run away from me.
2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth.
3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you.
Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.
4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his persuit of you in full stride.
5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.
6. Good luck. On your mark, get set.... GO!!!!!

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I got stopped by a police officer on the way here.
He told me it was illegal to carry these guns in public.

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My wife crashed her car yesterday. She told the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking вееr from a can at the time.
The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own back garden.

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