Relationship Jokes

I heard women find men in long-term relationships more attractive than men who are single so I’ve decided to move into a 1 bedroom apartment with my mum.

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It’s bizarre how, when you’re single, you’ll give almost anything to have a girlfriend with regular sеx; yet, when you’re in a relationship, you’d give almost anything just to have five fсuкing minutes alone to watch роrn with sound.

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Sex Jokes Relationship Jokes Single People Jokes

My boyfriend is as beautiful as Frank Sinatra and as intelligent as Albert Einstein; what is his name?
Frankenstein.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Relationship Jokes

There are three women. One is dating, one is engaged, and one is married. They decide to get кinкy with their men and really pull out all the stops to make it extra special. The woman who is dating says, “Okay, so I bought black leather, red lipstick, fishnet stockings, and really got crazy. He loved it so much he thinks he’s in love.” The woman who is engaged says, “I showed up to his work after hours wearing only a red coat. Let’s just say he wants to move the wedding date up!” The woman who is married says, “Okay, I really went all out. I got a babysitter for the kids, and bought a black mask and a whip. My husband gets home, goes straight to the fridge, and grabs a вееr. Then he plops down on the couch and says, 'Hey Batman! Where the fuск is dinner?!?'"

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes Relationship Jokes Beer Jokes Superhero Jokes

Fed up of being single? Fed up of dating websites? I’ve now developed the perfect strategy that is guaranteed success. Just lower your standards. My new girlfriend is actually a coconut sellotaped to a mop.

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Relationship Jokes Single People Jokes

A man is about to enter a meeting at work when he realizes that he forgot some important paperwork. He calls home so that his wife can retrieve them. The maid answers the phone and says that his wife is busy. He demands that the maid put his wife on the phone. The maid informs the man that his wife is in bed with the gardener. The man goes nuts, and offers the maid one million dollars to shoot them both. The maid agrees and he soon hears two gunshots. The maid returns to the phone and he asks her what happened. The maid says she shot his wife in bed and the gardener ran, so she shot him by the pool. The man says,
"Pool??? Is this 555-4320???"

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Relationship Jokes

I bough my wife a mood ring, and when she's in a good mood the ring turns blue. But when she's in a bad mood, it leaves a big red spot in the middle of my forehead.

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Relationship Jokes

This guy is sentenced to prison, and on his first day in jail, he meets his new cellmate…
…
His new cellmate is a very large, mean-looking beast of a man, whose nickname is ‘Butch.’ He immediately asks, “Do you want to be the husband or the wife?”
The new inmate thinks to himself, “Well, if I have to do this, I might as well be the husband in this relationship,” after which he says to his intimidating cellmate, “I would like to be the husband.”
Butch is at least 300 pounds and he grins and replies, “Great! Now come over here and suск your wife’s diск.”

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Men jokes Relationship Jokes Criminal Jokes

A man comes home and sees a note on the refrigerator from his wife. She wrote, "This isn't working. I'm at my mother's." The man opens the fridge, the light turns on, and he says to himself, "What the hеll? The fridge is working fine!"

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Relationship Jokes

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a sтriр club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with." They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!"
"No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball." Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and flips out on Roger. Just then, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a вiтсh tonight, Roger!"

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Office and Work Jokes Sports Jokes Relationship Jokes

I want our relationship to be like a Nintendo DS cartridge. If we have any problems, take it out, вlоw on it, and put it back in.

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Programmer Jokes Relationship Jokes

I've been in love with the same woman for 20 years. If my wife finds out, she'll кill me.

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Jokes about Women Relationship Jokes

A couple drives to the hospital because the wife is in labor. The doctor alerts them that she invented a machine that will transfer some of the labor pain to the father, if they'd like. The husband eagerly says,
"Give it all to me!" The couple returns home with a bouncing baby boy, only to find the mailman dead on their lawn.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Relationship Jokes

Why did the lion brake up with his girlfriend?
Cuz she was a CHEETAH!

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Animal Jokes Relationship Jokes

Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t? The bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Relationship Jokes

A man and a woman have just had their 50th wedding anniversary. The husband turns to his wife and asks, "What do you want to do to celebrate our anniversary dear?" She replies,
"Let's run upstairs and make love." He turns to her and says,
"Well make up your mind, we can't do both!"

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Relationship Jokes

On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple has an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride calls her mother from the hospital. "Mother," she sobs, "my husband has only one foot." The mother, trying to console her daughter, says,
"That's alright dear, your father has only six inches."

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Relationship Jokes

An old man goes into Victoria's Secret and tells the sales-person behind the counter he needs a present for his wife. "See," explains the man, "It is my fiftieth wedding anniversary and I would like to get something pretty to surprise the little lady, if you know what I mean." When he gets home, his wife asks with a scowl on her face, "Where have you been?"
"Surprise," says the old man and hands her a sеxy tiny teddy. The wife rips it from his hand and takes it to the bathroom to try it on. She struggles to make it fit, but it is two sizes too small. She take a long time in the bathroom and hopes her husband will lose interest and fall asleep because it is getting late into the evening. Finally she emerges from the bathroom with all the lights out. She is completely nudе and pretends to model it in front of him. Her husband, still sitting up, squinting to try and see finally says,
"For as much money I spent on it, they could of at least ironed out the wrinkles."

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Money jokes Men jokes Relationship Jokes

A farmer walks into his bedroom carrying a lamb under his arm. He walks over to his wife who's laying in bed. "See!" he yells, "This is the pig I have to have sеx with whenever you get one of your headaches!" The wife says,
"You know that's a lamb under your arm, don't you?" The farmer says,
"I wasn't talking to you."

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Sex Jokes Relationship Jokes

Boy: I would go to the end of the world for you!
Girl: yes, but would you stay there….

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Marriage and Family Jokes Relationship Jokes