Relationship Jokes

Ken sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry," Ken says,
"Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. But just in case you need to escape, there's a 'Bad Date Rescue App' you can install on your smartphone. Schedule your phone to ring just after you meet her and answer with, 'Mom, what's the matter, are you okay?' It works every time."
So that night, Mike knocks on the girl's door and when she comes out he is awestruck at how attractive and sеxy she is. He's about to speak when the girl's phone rings and she answers with, "Mom, what's the matter, are you okay?"

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Last night I spent the entire evening watching Jaws 3. My wife, her mother and her sister all came over and were talking all night.

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Relationship Jokes

It's a terrible thing when the relationship goes into the danger zone. There's nothing worse than that feeling of imminent dumpage. This is usually the time in the relationship when the couple gets the bright idea, 'I know, honey, we'll go away for the weekend -- just the two of us, work it all out.' That's a great idea. Let's put two hostile people in a four-by-four cabin in the middle of nowhere. They do episodes of 'Мurdеr She Wrote' with that kind of plot.

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Relationship Jokes

Three reasons why men are lazy.
1).

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Men jokes Relationship Jokes

Recently a "Husband Shopping Center" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out with five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the place to find men. On the first floor the door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said,
"Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" so up they went.
The second floor said,
"These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good-looking."
"Hmmm," said the girls. "But I wonder what's further up?"
The third floor:
"These men have high-paying jobs, are extremely good-looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow!" said the women. "Very tempting, BUT there's more further up!" and up they went.
Fourth floor:
"These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy! But just think what must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they went.
The sign on that floor said,
"This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please."

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Jokes about Women Kids Jokes Men jokes Relationship Jokes

Really satisfied my wife in bed last night. I slept on the sofa.

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Relationship Jokes

The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue.
"Can I see your license and registration, bub?", the cop inquired.
"But officer," the fellow started, "I can explain..."
"Shut yer trap, bub!" snapped the officer. "You're going downtown
And sit a while till the sarge gets back."
"But, officer, I think you really should know..."
"And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," shot back the sap in the cell. "I'm the groom."

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Office and Work Jokes Relationship Jokes

When your ex-girlfriend tells you she has AIDS it can be really difficult to deal with. I had to try really hard to sound surprised.

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Relationship Jokes

My ex-girlfriend was really terrible in bed. She would just lie there screaming “noooooo!”.

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Relationship Jokes

Spoke to my son yesterday to teach him about the birds and the bees. He ended up teaching me about my wife and the milkman.

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Relationship Jokes

I come from a small family. I’m the youngest of three, my parents are both older.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Relationship Jokes

Had a one night stand last year that went horribly wrong, we’re now married.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Relationship Jokes

An elderly man enters a jewelry store on a Friday night with a beautiful, much younger woman and states that he is looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler brings out a $5,000 ring. The man says,
"No, I'd like to see something more special."
The jeweler returns, this time with a $50,000 ring. The woman's eyes sparkle and the man seeing this, says,
"We'll take it! I will give you a check now, so you can verify the funds on Monday with the bank. I'll then pick up the ring that afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler phones to tell the man, "Sir, there's no money in that account."
"I know," is my reply. "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Men jokes Relationship Jokes

A husband says to his wife, "Honey I just won the lottery. Pack your bags!" The wife says,
"Great. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?" The husband replies,
"I don't care, just get the hеll out!"

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Relationship Jokes

Spoke to my family today after my WiFi went down. They seem like nice people.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Relationship Jokes

My husband had just lost 50 pounds when, after eight years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a restaurant.
When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big hug. He seemed to cling to me longer than usual. "Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked.
"No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."

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Office and Work Jokes Relationship Jokes

The conversation starts between girl and boy:
Boy: Do you have pen?
Girl: No,I don't have.
Boy: Do you have a pen?
Girl: She became angry and replied and no no I don't have a pen.
Again after sometime the boy asked; do you have a pen?
Girl: No! NO... again if you ask once I will hit you by a hammer?
Boy: Do you have a hammer?

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Relationship Jokes

Yesterday when we were in bed my wife shouted at me and told me I was really annoying… I almost choked on my popcorn.

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Relationship Jokes

Six retired friends were playing poker when one of them loses $1500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. One of the guys says, “We’ve got to go tell his wife, who’s going to do it?”
They draw straws and Bob picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse. "Leave it to me," Bob says.
He goes over to his friend’s house and knocks on the door. When the dead man’s wife answers, Bob says,
"Your husband just lost $1500 and is afraid to come home."
"$1500? Tell him to drop dead!" snarls the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Bob.

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Men jokes Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes Single People Jokes

Me and my girlfriend were in the throes of sеxuаl ecstasy last night when she whispered, “leave me breathless darling.”
So I punched her in the stomach.

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Relationship Jokes