Relationship Jokes

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The following inspirational conversation took place with my dad earlier today.
Dad: There’s no such thing as “can’t”.
Me: Wow, thanks for the inspirational message dad but I was actually calling you a сunт.

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Relationship Jokes Dad Jokes

A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read:
"I am perfectly well."
A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel... Collect... On which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:
"This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."

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Men jokes Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes

My Current Relationship Status:
Made dinner for two… Ate both.

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Relationship Jokes

Two women met in heaven who were previous acquaintances on earth.
One said,
"I can't believe you're here so soon what happened?"
She exclaimed, "I froze to death!"
The other said,
"That's terrible how'd it happen?"
"Well I started shivering uncontrollably, fell asleep and here I am!" Then she asked how her friend died.
She exclaimed "I had a heart attack! I came home to find my husband sitting in his lazy chair and I just knew it was cheating on me so I ran around the house looking everywhere for another woman I looked in the basement looked in the attic look behind the shower curtain in the bathroom and I ran myself into a frenzy and collapsed of a heart attack.
Finally her friend replied "If you would have just look in the freezer we both still be alive!'.

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Jokes about Women Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes

I lost my grandad last year. He’s not dead he’s just wondering round ikea.

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Relationship Jokes

I love creature comfort. That's why when I'm coming off a relationship, I like to shave my left leg. That way when I roll over at night, it feels like there's a woman in bed with me.

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Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Relationship Jokes

The following conversation took place between a husband and wife.
Husband: Honey, can you smell that?
Wife: No.
Husband: Exactly I can’t either so get in the kitchen and start cooking.

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Relationship Jokes

Q. What’s the female version of a ManCave?
A. The kitchen.

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Jokes about Women Relationship Jokes

I’ve always had a difficult relationship with my parents. When I was first born I didn’t speak to them for 2 years.

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Relationship Jokes

Ten Things You’ll Never Hear A Woman Say …… ….
….
10. What do you mean today’s our anniversary? …
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV. ….
8. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big. …
7. And for our honeymoon we’re going fishing in Alaska! …
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I’m tired of being “just friends.” …
5. Honey, does this outfit make my вuтт look too small? …
4. Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell ’em I’m not here.
2. I don’t care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!

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Jokes about Women Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes Sexist Jokes

Phone rings at 2am.
Husband: Hello, who is this? How the hеll do I know I’m not a weather man! *slams phone down*
Wife: Who was that honey?
Husband: Just some guy asking if the coast was clear tonight.

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Men jokes Relationship Jokes

The other day my wife asked me to buy her something to make her look nice so I went to the liquor store.

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Relationship Jokes

Q. What do women and bacon have in common?
A. They both look, smell and taste amazing but they also both slowly кill you.

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Jokes about Women Relationship Jokes

After 3 years of marriage, me and the wife had our first real fight last night.
I called my dad for advice on how to fix things.
He told me to apologize and admit I was wrong.
I was really looking for advice on how to dispose of the body.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Relationship Jokes Dad Jokes

Went on a date with a girl and I told her to text me when she got home. It’s been 3 weeks now and I still haven’t got a text, I think she must be homeless.

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Relationship Jokes

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office and declares, "Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!"
The hypnotherapist shakes his head and says. "Not again..."

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Relationship Jokes

Had a really stiff neck when I woke up this morning. My wife said she hopes it spreads.

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Relationship Jokes

I've just ended this relationship with this woman. I think the chemistry was all wrong -- she blew up.

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Relationship Jokes

I lost my job recently and don’t have much money but managed to get my girlfriend some really nice flowers the other day. It’s amazing what you can find attached to a lamppost.

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Money jokes Relationship Jokes

Cant believe how cheeky my son is. I bought him a bb gun for christmas and he got me a sweatshirt with a bullseye on the back.

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Christmas Jokes Relationship Jokes