Sex Jokes

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It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning. About 9:00 p. M. he finally said to his wife, "Dear, I think I've come up with the perfect sermon! I'm going to give a sermon about horseback riding!"
She said,
"Don't be silly! You can't give a sermon about horseback riding!"
He replied, "Well, it's going to have to do because I've preached on just about every other subject I can think of."
The next morning as they were driving to church, she said,
"I can't believe that you're insisting on doing this! You know, If you're going to give that silly sermon on horseback riding, I'm just going to stay in the car during the service."
He said,
"OK, then, suit yourself!", so she stayed in the car.
Entering church before the service, the preacher had a sudden inspiration and gave a hеll-fire and brimstone sermon on SЕX that just had the congregation in awe. As the congregation filed out of the church, some of he members saw his wife sitting in the car and approached her window. One of them said,
"Wow! you just missed the best sermon your husband has EVER given!"
She said,
"Yeah, right! What does he know about it! He talks big but he's only tried it twice in his life! "Once before we were married and once after, and he fell off both times!"
A salesman checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He was single so he got to thinking about some female company. He thought he’d get one of those girls you see advertised in phone books from one of the “еsсоrт” services. He picked a number and dialed it. A woman answered, “Hello?”
“Hi, I hear you do escorts and massages and I’d like you to come to my hotel room and give me a massage. And after that I want sеx! In fact I want jungle sеx . . . wild, crazy hanging-from-the-chandelier type sеx! I’m talking кinкy, the whole night, you name it we’ll do it! Bring all kinds of sеx toys too! I don’t care what they are, you can use them on me! You can even tie me up and then cover me in whipped cream! Now how does that sound?” he asked. The woman said, “Interesting sir, but for an outside line, you must press “9” first.”
A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop is charging are very high.
She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. “Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50,” the clerk says. “$50?” the woman replies. “That seems terribly expensive for a frog.”
“Well, this frog is worth it. It’s been trained to give вlоw jobs.” The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sеx, and because she is not particularly fond of goofing соск, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he’ll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing her husband won’t bother her that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks. “What are you two doing down here?” she asks.
Her husband responds, “If I can teach this frog to cook, you’re out of here!”
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked:
“Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria:
“Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.”
“The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife:
“Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria:
“Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife:
“Oh yeah?”
Maria:
“The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife:
“Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria:
“Jor hozban did.”
Wife increasingly agitated, “Oh he did did he???”
Maria:
“The third reason is that I am better at sеx than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
“And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria:
“No Senora……., The gardener did.”
Wife:
“So how much do you want?”
A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long and yet her husband has lost interest in sеx. So she goes to see her doctor and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn’t seem worried at all and tells her that it is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband’s cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.
“He’s dead,” she replies.
“Dead?” the doctor asked.
“Yes. He was sitting in the driveway licking his ваlls, and I backed over him with the car.”
Мъж спира симпатично момиче и пита: Мъж пита непозната жена: Ценкање Mit einem wildfremden Mann schlafen мужик подходит к женщине на улице и говорит: - ты со мной переспишь... Бизнисмен со непристоен предлог Arkadaslari ile partiye giden Alican orada Sharen Stone’a benzer bir kiz görüp ona hayran kaliyor. Yavasça kizin yanina sokulup: Ein Mann fragt eine Frau: Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for £1 million? En känd författare hamnade på en societetsfest i samtal med en snobbig dam och frågade henne. - Skulle ni ligga med mig om jag gav er femtiotusen kronor? Damen funderade en stund och svarade... Una chica bellísima va caminando por la calle, cuando se le acerca un tipo y le dice: - ¿Te acostarías conmigo por un millón de dólares? - ¡¿Por un millón de dólares!? Bueno... este... me toma por... Um homem e uma mulher discutem: — Por um milhão de reais você dava para mim? — Puxa... Bem, por um milhão eu dava sim. O homem abre a própria carteira, olha e perguntar para a mulher: — E por 250... Csinos nőt leszólít egy férfi: - Hölgyem, lefeküdne velem egymillió forintért? A nő rácsodálkozik, majd csillogó szemmel így szól: "Le." - És lefeküdne velem 2000 forintért? - Mit képzel, ki vagyok... Een directeur vraagt aan zijn secretaresse; Zou je voor 1 miljoen met mij de nacht willen doorbrengen? Voor 1 miljoen wilde zij wel een nachtje met de directeur doorbrengen. En wat is het antwoord... Egy férfi megszólít egy nőt az utcán: - Mondja, hölgyem, lefeküdne velem egymillió dollárért? - Egymillió dollárért? Le. - És 50 dollárért? - Na de uram, mit gondol, mi vagyok én? - Hogy Ön... Un tip abordeaza o tipa pe strada: - Domnisoara, daca v-as oferi un milion de euro, v-ati culca cu mine? - Da, bineînteles! - Dar daca v-as oferi cinci euro? - Vai domnule, dar ce fel de femeie... Egy férfi megszólít egy csinos nőt az utcán: - Mondja hölgyem, négymillió forintért lefeküdne velem? - Négymillió forintért? Simán! - És ötezer forintért? - Hééé, mit gondol, mi vagyok én? - Hogy... - Θα μου καθόσουν για ένα εκατομμύριο ευρώ; - Ναι. - Για είκοσι ευρώ θα μου καθόσουν; - Σε παρακαλώ, τι νομίζεις ότι είμαι; - Το τι είσαι το ξεκαθαρίσαμε. Τώρα κάνουμε παζάρια για την τιμή!