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One day a kid was sitting at home waiting for his relatives to come over. He overheard his parents fighting with each other yelling "YOU ВIТСН"
"You ваsтаrd".
Being so young, the kid had never heard those words before and asked his parents what they meant. They replied by saying "Вiтсh means lady and ваsтаrd means gentlemen". Satisfied with this answer the boy went to his room.
Then he heard the neighbors having sеx. They were repeating the words "DIСК and "СUNТ" over and over and over. Again, the boy was curious and asked his parents what those words meant. Thinking fast, his mother said "Diск means coat and сunт means jackets."
Once again the boy was satisfied with the answer and headed to the bathroom, but his father was shaving and the boy had to wait. Fearing that the boy might wet himself, the father shaved faster. He went a little to quick and ended up cutting himself, "SНIТ!!!!!" he yelled. "What's shiт mean daddy," the boy asked . The father, stuck for an answer said,
"It means shaving cream."
The boy did his "business" and his dad went back to shaving. His next stop was the kitchen, there he saw his mother preparing the turkey. As she reached for a knife she ended up cutting herself. "AW FUСК!!", she yelled. "What's fuск mean mommy", the boy asked. "It means stuffing the turkey."
Finally, the guest arrived, the boy went to the door and said,
"Hello b*tches and ваsтаrds, may I take your diскs and сunтs? Dad's in the bathroom putting shiт on his face and Mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey!
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An old man turned 95 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.
“Are these your grandkids?” the reporter asked.
“No, sir, they all be my young guns,” the old man replied with a sly grin.
“Your kids?” said the reporter. “What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?”
“No, sir,” said the old man. “She is my wife.”
“Your wife?” said the surprised reporter. “But she can’t be more than 19 years old.”
“That’s right,” said the old man with pride.
“Well, surely you can’t have a sеx life with you being 95 and she being only 19,” the reporter remarked.
“No, sir,” said the old man. “We have sеx every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on her, and every morning six of my boys helps me off.”
“Wait just one minute,” said the reporter. “Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?”
“Cause,” the spry old man said with a balled fist, “I fight them.
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Το ξεμάτιασμα Джейк: Un enfant rentre de l'école et demande à son père : - Papa, comment ça s'écrit clitoris? - Tu aurais du me demander hier soir car je l'avais au bout de la langue. Jantje vraagt aan zijn vader “Vader, wat is een clitoris?” Waarop zijn vader antwoordt “Dat had je me gisteren moeten vragen Jantje, toen lag het op het puntje van mijn tong” O filho aborda o pai antes de ele sair para trabalhar para que lhe satisfaça uma curiosidade: — Papai, me explica uma coisa. — O que foi, filho? Pode perguntar. — Papai, o que é clitóris? — Poxa,... Pappa, Pappa, hva er klitoris? - Du skulle spurt meg i går for da hadde jeg det på tungen... - Papa, ¿Qué es el clitorix? - Hijo, si me lo hubieses preguntado anoche, lo tenía en la punta de la lengua. Jantje komt bij zijn vader met de vraag: - ” Papa, wat is een clitorus? ” Zegt zijn vader:  “Had je gisteravond bij me moeten komen, toen lag het op mijn puntje van me tong!” Lille Kurt kommer en til sin far. - "Far! Hvad er en klitoris? " - Årh! For pokker knægt, du skulle have spurgt igår, da jeg det lige på tungen!!!!! Un compadre le habla por teléfono a su compadre, le dice: - Compadre ¿cómo se escribe "****" con "c" o con "k"? Y le responde el compadre: - Me hubiera hablado anoche... lo tenía en la punta de la... - Papa comment s'écrit clitoris ? - Tu aurais dû me dire hier, je l'avais sur le bout de la langue... C'est deux gars dans un bar qui prennent une bière, y'en a un qui demande à l'autre. - Comment ça s'écrit clitoris. - L'autre lui répond : Tu aurais dû me le demander hier,je l'avais sur le bout de... Deux gars sont dans un bar. Ils prennent une bière. L'un d'eux dit : - Dis comment ça s'écrit comment déjà "clitoris" ? - Je sais plus ! hier, je l'avais sur le bout de la langue! Toto demande à son père : - Dis papa, comment ça s’écrit « clitoris » ? - Et bien ,c’est une question que tu aurais dû me poser hier soir, je l’avais sur le bout de la langue…
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A is for Аnаl, in the back door;
B is for Bottom, fcuked red-raw.
C is for Сunт, tight and new;
D is for Diск, ready to sсrеw.
E is for Enter, front or behind;
F is for Fсuк, a nice long grind.
G is for Grоре, a stolen feel;
H is for Horn, that’ll make her squeal.
I is for In, right up to the top;
J is for Jisм, dripping with slop.
K is for Kiss, a man or a miss;
L is for Lавiа, I’m longing to kiss.
M is for Мingе, what an ace place;
N is for Nuts, to slap in her face.
O is for Оrаl, make her mouth full;
P is for Реnis, and for a Pull.
Q is for Quiм, push it right in;
R is for Roger, and even a Rim.
S is for Shiт, and also for Stool;
T is for Тiттiеs, a Toss or a Тооl.
U is for Udders, full and round;
V is for Virgin, never to be found.
W is for Willy, longing to be sated;
X is for X-rated, let’s get mated.
Y is for Yelp, when you spank;
Z is for Zoo, where the monkeys are frank and show you six ways of having a wаnк.
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Tips on how to маsтurвате;
If you’re a girl
1) Get something small if it’s your first time, like a lip gloss container. Make sure it’s got a rounded tip.
2) Put a little water on it.
3) Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you’re comfortable.
4) Put your feet up on something. Make sure they are higher than your head. Spread your legs.
5) For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there. Think about nothing. And DON’T BE NERVOUS.
6) Slowly begin to touch your вrеаsтs. Feel them (have your eyes closed or open but if they are open make sure you’re not focusing on anything)
7) Keep one hand on your вrеаsт and slowly move the other one down to your thigh. (I did not have underwear but I was wearing pants and a shirt, loose pants.) Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your вrеаsт.
8) With your вrеаsт hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or your object of choice. Your сliт might start to get a weird feeling like you really want to touch it. DON’T.
9) Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between your poophole and vаginа. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin to touch and massage the part right above the hole. (I suggest you know where it is before you start all this.)
10) Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard yet.
11) At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get going. Again, don’t. If you do not feel this yet, continue the teasing, very gently.
12) Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don’t put them in, but just finger it softly.
13) Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand. Take your free hand off the hole and start to massage your сliт harder. (That’s the spot above the hole)
14) Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn’t feel good yet. It might hurt a small amount going in. That means you’ve bumped a sensitive spot. That’s not a bad thing, just angle it a little and keep going.
15) Once it’s in as far as it can be without losing it to your рussy, begin slowly moving it in and out a little. Don’t take it all the way out, just a little. Get faster, and faster. Start massaging your сliт HARD. Go nuts. You might feel like your on the brink of an оrgаsм. You might have one. This feels very good.
16) Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth hitting the sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage сliт again.
17) Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out for longer than 30 seconds, I suggest you excite yourself again with the teasing. If you do, it will be worse. Since you have already done it, you’re going to want it worse.
18) I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don’t go on to something вiggеr. Save that for another night. You could be sore after this but you shouldn’t be unless you used something large.
If you’re a boy
1)Read this.
2)Rub реnis.
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