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Louis Van Gaal has lost more matches than Michael J Fox trying to light a candle.
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If a criminal sells illegal tennis rackets on the black market...
Does that make him guilty of racketeering?
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Sven and Ollie go fishing. It’s such a great day, they rent a boat so they can fish from the middle of the lake. They row out, drop their lines, and before you know it, they’re catching fish, one after another after another. They can’t believe what a great fishing spot they found. !!! …
…
Sven says, “This is the best fishing spot in the county. It’s just too bad we didn’t bring some paint.”
Ollie asks, “Paint? Why should you want paint, to go fishing?”
“Well Ollie, don’t you see, so we can paint an “X” on the side of the boat, so we can find this spot next time.”
Ollie laughs at him. “Sven, don’t be such a duммy! Next time, what if they rent us a different boat?”
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Why do grasshoppers not go to many football games?
They prefer cricket matches.
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I can’t stand those people who hate football but still go along to games to deliberately cause trouble and ruin it for everybody else.
Fucking referees.
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Can somebody please notify Liverpool that, along with their lack of imagination, the correct grammar is ‘A field’, not ‘An field’. Thanks.
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Newspaper headlines in Canada before, during and after Jamaican-Born Canadian sprinter, Ben Johnson, was found to have used illegal steroids.
First Headline:
“Canadian Sprinter Wins Gold in 100 meters!
Second Headline:
“Jamaican-Canadian Athlete Tests Positive for Steroids!”
Third Headline:
“Jamaican Athlete Stripped of Gold Medal.”
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Old Bubba was fishing along the Bayou for catfish one day when he spots a water moccasin slithering across the water with a toad in its mouth. Being a longtime fisherman, he knows the best bait for large catfish are toads. In a flash, Bubba grabs the snake from behind and carefully removes the toad from its mouth and puts the toad in his side bag. Fearing the angry snake would bite him; Bubba grabs his bottle of daddy's moonshine from his pocket and carefully pours 2 drops into the snake's mouth. The snake's eyes glaze over and quickly go limp. Bubba carefully places the snake back in the water.
A few hours later, Bubba is just about to head back home, when he feels something tapping on his leg. He looks down and is amazed to see the same water moccasin with 2 frogs in its mouth.
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“Look, Charlie,” the coach said, “you know the principles of good sportsmanship. You know the Little League doesn’t allow temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language.”
“Yes sir, I understand.” “Good, Charlie. Now, would you explain that to your father?”
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I got injured playing table tennis yesterday. It’s great having the extra surface area but
The added weight can really hurt your back.
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Some people are disgusting!
My girlfriend’s brother left two sunderland season tickets on his dashboard and someone has smashed the window and left two more.
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Q. What’s brown, 12 inches long, and can do the 100 metres in under 10 seconds?
A. Usain Bolt’s diск.
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Just made a small fortune betting on the Euro 2016 football championships.
Unfortunately I spent a big fortune placing my bets.
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My idea of a SUPER BOWL is a toilet that cleans itself...
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Lets play railroad I'll be the train and ur the tunnel
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Groaner of the week
The couple is in the throes of a divorce settlement. They must decide about custody, visitation and child support for their only son.
He:
“My son belongs with ME! You can have weekend visitation and see him a full month in the summer.”
She:
“The courts almost always side with the mother when it comes to custody. You aren’t a fit parent, you just sit around and play chess all day! Chess! Chess! Chess!”
She:
“And knowing you, you would prefer to live in Georgia rather than Florida. How will you handle that?”
He:
“It’s too early in the divorce proceedings to talk about travel and relocation.”
She:
“You are treating our son like a раwn! Where would you move?”
He:
“Раwn to e4, like I always do.”
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In a bid to promote his image and ease race relations John Terry has kindly donated 100 trumpets to an African orphanage in Nigeria. Apparently he was quoted as saying “Blacks are naturally talented at music and with their big lips they should be great at trumpet playing”.
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My wife had mentioned several times that she hoped I could get our grass mowed this weekend. Well, I procrastinated a bit too long and while I was watching football on TV, there was a 37 yard pass with a spectacular catch for a go ahead touchdown.
I jumped up and shouted, "Oh my GOSH! Did you see that?!?!"
And my wife said,
"Yes, I see... what a lovely lawn they have."
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Just heard Sam Allardyce is to become the new host of The Great British bake off.
That greedy fuскеr will do anything for extra dough!
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A sports expert is the guy who writes the best alibis for being wrong.
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