Sports Jokes

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My mate threw a ‘football themed’ party last night.
I showed up in shirt and jeans.
“What have you come as?” he asked.
“John Terry” I replied.
“What? You look nothing like him” he replied, as his wife got out of my car, pulling her knickers up.

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These Chinese football club transfer fees are getting way out of hand.
Shangai Shenhau FC have just offered Manchester United £80m for referee Mike Dean.

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Why do volleyball player want to join the armed forces? For the chance to gain some experience in the service.

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4 baseball fans want to show their teams that they're each the biggest fans in the world, so they decide to climb the biggest mountain they can find. The first one to the top is a Braves fаn, and he says,
"I'm the biggest fаn in the world! This is for you Braves!" and he jumps off. The second one to the top is a Mets fаn and he says,
"I love you more than anything Mets, this is for you!" and he jumps off. The last 2 people who get to the top get there at the same time. One is a Red Sox fаn and one is a Yankee fаn. When they're both standing at the top together, the Red Sox fаn says,
"This one is for all baseball fans everywhere!" And the Red Sox fаn pushes the Yankee fаn off.

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My bother is a professional boxer.”
“Heavyweight?”
“No, featherweight. He tickles his opponents to death.”

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Comedy Central have just secured the rights to show all of Manchester United’s football matches.

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Tony Verna, Inventor of TV Instant Replay for Live Sports has died at Age 81
His funeral is on at 11.30, then 12.30 and for those who missed it, 1.30.

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Are you my caddie? asked the golfer.
"Yes, sir," replied the lad.
"And you are good at finding lost ваlls?"
"Yes, sir."
"Right then. Find one and let's star the game."

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Today I turned on the television and saw commercials...
Every now and then they were interrupted by some Olympics coverage.

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Alex was teeing off from the back tees. On his downswing he suddenly realized that his wife, Mary, was about to tee off from the red tees directly in his path. Unable to stop his downswing he nailed the ball, hit Mary directly in the right temple killing her instantly.
A few days later Alex received a call from the coroner concerning her autopsy. “Alex, your wife seems to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and struck her in the temple. Is that correct?”
“Yes sir,” Alex replied, “that’s correct.”
“Well, Alex , I also found a large bruise on Mary’s right hip. Do you know anything about that?”
“Yes sir,” Alex said, “That would have been my mulligan.”

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What do you call a guy with no legs and no arms water skiing?
Skipper.

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A fisherman accidentally left his day’s catch under the seat of a bus. The next evening’s newspaper carried an ad:
“If the person who left a bucket of fish on the No. 47 bus would care to come to the garage, he can have the bus.”

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I bought Alex Ferguson’s autobiography.
I thought I’d got to the end but six more pages appeared.

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Daley Blind signs for Manchester United.
When asked where he would play, Louis van Gaal replied, “At this rate, I’d say in the Championship.”

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Why did your mom bring a spoon to the super-bowl?
She wanted to eat it all!!

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An Englishman, A German, and a Mexican are at the Olympic stadium unsuccessfully trying to get in to watch the events without tickets. …
…
The Englishman sees that next to the stadium there is a construction site. He walks over and picks up a large construction hammer and takes it to the stadium entrance. …
…
The security guard says “where is your ticket?” …
….
The Englishman says:
“Michael Kensington, hammer throw.. I’m late. ”
The guard lets him in right away.
The German, seeing this, walks to the construction site and picks up a steel bar and takes it to the entrance.
The security guard says “where is your ticket?”
The German says:
“Maximillian Von Heidelberg: Javelin…I am late.”
The guard lets him in right away.
The Mexican, seeing this, walks over to the construction yard and takes a few planks of wood and some steel cable to the entrance.
The security guard says “where is your ticket?”
The Mexican says:
“Juan Carlos De Los Parlotes De Amadeo, fencing.”

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Why are professional skiers always politically correct?
Because it's a slippery slоре!

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(Me) Now that I’m retired I finally have my very own 'Command Center'!
(Wife) It looks like a lazy boy recliner, a TV remote and a half eaten bag of Cheetos on an end table to me!
(Me) It’s a clandestine operation so don’t tell anyone!
(Wife) Don’t worry I won’t tell a soul! Just to clear things up though, is the arm chair law practice and the sports announcing gig a secret too?

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A sporting-house is undergoing renovation …
…
Sign on the door says, “We’re closed. Beat it.”

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I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sамво, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.

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