Sports Jokes

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“So I was having dinner in this Italian bistro with Garry Kasporov, the famous chess player,,,
Problem was, like all Italian restaurants they have those red and white checkered tablecloths.
It took Kasporov two hours to pass the salt shaker!”

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We have two sporting-houses in our town. Each follows a different business model
First is the deluxe sporting house: Fancy furniture, a large selection of high-priced ladies and it’s three stories tall. The place is air conditioned with a blower on the top floor.
The second place doesn’t have much in the way of amenities. Simple rooms and aging ladies. The place is just a single story tall to cut out the fuскing overhead.

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First golfer:
“I have the greatest golf ball in the world. You can’t lose it.”
Second golfer:
“How so?”
First golfer:
“If you hit it into the sand, it beeps. You hit it into the water, it floats. If you want to play golf at night it glows.”
Second golfer:
“Hey, sounds good. Where did you get it?”
First golfer:
“I found it in the woods.”

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A football fаn is a guy who’ll yell at the quarterback for not spotting an open receiver forty-five yards down the field, and then head for the parking lot and not be able to find his own car.

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Stranger: Catch any fish?
Fisherman: Did I! I took 25 out of this stream this morning.
Stranger: Do you know who I am? I’m the game warden.
Fisherman: Do you know who I am? I’m the biggest liar in the country.

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Muhammad Ali in 1974: Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee
Floyd Mayweather in 2015: Run like a chicken, hug like a bear

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At one point during a baseball game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

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I was playing Fifa earlier, and found that Chicago had a team called Chicago Fire.
I was disgusted, imagine naming your sports team after the worst event in your cities history.
You don’t see the New Orleans Katrinas, the Boston Massacres, the Okalahoma Bombings, the San Francisco Big Ones, or the New York Jets…

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What is a paraplegics favorite sport?
Drag racing

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Congratulations West Ham, the only club named after two things that ISIS hate.

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I have invented a kitchen cleaner that kills 0.1% of bacteria.
I plan to sell the secret to Dettol.

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Incredible scenes in Madrid ahead of Fernando Torres being unveiled as an Atletico player.
Over 40,000 Chelsea fans have turned up to make sure he’s left.

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Last night, I thought it would be funny to try and impress people by pulling the cloth from a table without breaking anything.
Far from being impressed, the members of the snooker club were extremely рissеd off.

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Jose Mourinho has given himself a new Nickname in his latest press conference.
The Temporary One.

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When a goal is scored in football, commentators say, “The ball’s hit the back of the net.”
Technically, the ball’s hit the front of the net.

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The football team was getting clobbered. The first-string quarterback was injured. The second-string quarterback was injured. Even the punter was injured. All the coach had left was their third-stringer who had yet to play a down all year. He pulled the quarterback aside. "Look son, we can't afford to let them score again. We've got to run some time off the clock. Here's what I want you to do."
"On first down, run it to the left. On second down, run it to the right. On third down run it up the middle. The, on fourth down, punt it as far as you can punt it. "OK coach!" said the quarterback.
On first down he ran it to the left for 30 yards. On second down he ran it to the right for 40 more. On third down he ran it up the middle down to the one yard line. Then, on 4th down, the quarterback dropped back and punted the ball right out of the end zone.
When he got to the sideline, the coach was screaming! "What were you thinking?!!!?!!!"
The quarterback replied, "I was thinking I must be playing for the dumbest coach in the world."

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The drunк walking along the country road saw the duck hunter lying in the brush with the gun poised toward the direction of the high-flying flock in the distance. “Shay, mishter,” advised the drunк. “Don’t waisht a shot. The fall’ll кill’em

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Wayne Rooney - “United have won so many trophies I can’t count.”
He’s missing a full stop after trophies there.

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A hunting party is hopelessly lost. “I thought you said you were the best guide in Maine!” one of the hunters angrily said to their confused leader.
“I am, “replied the guide. “But I think we’re in Canada now.”

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What is it that, the harder you run, the harder it is to catch?
Your breath.

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