Office and Work Jokes

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BUSINESS SLOGANS … 25 Funny Lines (Jokes) For The Price of One. (I should make you vote it up 25 times!!!)
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Local ad for a Plumber:
“We repair what your husband fixed.” …
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On the trucks of a local plumbing company in Pennsylvania:
“Don’t sleep with a drip - call your plumber.” ….
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Pizza shop slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one Weak.” ….
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At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”
Door of a plastic surgeon’s office:
“Hello, can we pick your nose?”
Sign at the psychic’s Hotline:
“Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”
At a Laundry Shop:
“How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?”
At a Towing Company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want your tows.”
Billboard on the side of the road:
“Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.”
On an Electricians truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”
In a Non-smoking Area:
“If we see smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
On Maternity Room Door:
“Push, Push, Push.”
At an Optometrist’s Office:
“If you don’t see what your looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
On a Taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”
In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
On a Butchers window:
“Let me meat your needs.”
On a fence:
“SalesmEn Welcome, Dog food is expensive.”
At a car Dealership :
“The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”
Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming.”
Outside a Hotel:
“Help! We need inn-experienced people.”
On a desk in a reception room:
“We shoot every 3rd salesman and the 2nd one just left.”
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay! ”
At the Electric Company:
“We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t you will be.”
On the door of a Computer Store:
“Out for a quick byte.”
In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.”
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A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said “I want to be a movie star.” Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, “What’s your name?”
The guy said, “My name is Реnis van Lеsвiаn.”
The agent said, “Sir, I hate to tell you this, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.”
“I will NOT change my name! The van Lеsвiаn name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.”
The agent said, “Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years… you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Реnis van Lеsвiаn! I’m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.”
“So be it! I guess we will not do business together” the guy said and he left the agent’s office.
FIVE YEARS LATER….. The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed…
“Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Реnis van Lеsвiаn. After I left your office, I thought about what you said and I decided you were right, I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyке.
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☆ One Star Hangover:
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap, which has given you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. …
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☆ ☆ Two Star Hangover:
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of an office stapler. The coffee you are chugging is only exacerbating your rumbling gut. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your воwеls.
☆ ☆ ☆ Three Star Hangover:
Slight headache. Stomach feels сrаррy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your friends after the bouncer threw you out of the pub at 2:00 A. M…. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a fruit salad watching an old black and white Hollywood movie. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, 2 liters of water, 3 Tropicana’s and a liter of diet coke, yet you haven’t peed once.
☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ Four Star Hangover:
Life suскs. Your head is throbbing. You can’t speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of вооzе. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes have sunken as if u have not slept for days.
☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ Five Star Hangover:
AKA “Dante’s 4th Circle of Неll”. You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vоdка vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the shiт fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don’t remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your otherwise empty house.
☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ Six Star Hangover:
Otherwise known as the “Infinite Nut smacker”. You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your vомiт from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunк as you, but somehow managed to get up before you. You try to lift your head. Not an option. Then you inadvertently turn your head too quickly and smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair. Suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights… some jаскаss handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp “Hard Rock” faintly atop your forehead… the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your “hello kitty” pajamas and your slippers.
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Once upon a time, a small boy named Basheer lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him “you are driving me crazy Basheer”… ….
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One day his mother went to check out how he was doing at school and the teacher told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her whole career…
The mother could not accept such a feed back and she took her son out from that school. she even shifted to another city …
25 years later, that teacher got a cardio disorder and all the doctors advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform..
Left with no other choice she did it and the surgery was successful …when she opened her eyes, she saw a handsome doctor smiling to her, being under anesthesia effect, she wanted to thank him but could not talk, in turn, he was staring at her face which started turning blue, she was raising her hand trying to tell him some thing but in vain and eventually she died…
The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened, till he turned back and saw our friend Basheer working as a cleaner in that hospital who unplugged the ventilator to connect his vacuum cleaner……
(If you were thinking that Basheer became a doctor, its because you have been reading too many motivational forward messages.)
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Ken sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry," Ken says,
"Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. But just in case you need to escape, there's a 'Bad Date Rescue App' you can install on your smartphone. Schedule your phone to ring just after you meet her and answer with, 'Mom, what's the matter, are you okay?' It works every time."
So that night, Mike knocks on the girl's door and when she comes out he is awestruck at how attractive and sеxy she is. He's about to speak when the girl's phone rings and she answers with, "Mom, what's the matter, are you okay?"
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Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nudе female dead drunк. Out of respect and propriety, the Cubs fаn took off his cap and placed it over her right вrеаsт. The Red Sox fаn took off his cap and placed it over her left вrеаsт. Following their lead, the Yankee fаn took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes.
Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes.
The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Yankee fаn was getting upset and finally asked, “What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?”
Well,” said the officer. “I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an аsshоlе.”
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