Office and Work Jokes

Most popular in this category

My boss and I had an exchange of views earlier.
I went into his office with my views, and came out with his.

0 0

I went to the doctors with an itchy вuм and he gave me some tablets an told me to put 1 each day in my back passage.
I went back after a week and said “doctor these tablets didn’t work” He asked “did you put 1 each day in your back passage ?”
I replied “I don’t have a back passage so I put them in my hallway, and for all the good they did I might as well put them up my аrsе”

0 0

I was in the meat department, and I saw a guy in a white coat, blood all over the thing. I said, 'Excuse me.' He said, 'I don't work here.'

0 0

Workaholism is such a tough addiction to get over. I had to divorce my wife because she was an enabler.

0 0

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!), new to boating was having problems. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get her brand new 22ft Bayliner to perform.
It wouldn’t plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran, the out drive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath only to come up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Remember this is true.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

0 0

There was a strike today at work! After waiting a long time finally someone turned up who actually knows how to play ten-pin bowling!

0 0

When I did stand-up comedy, I tested out a lot of jokes about unemployed people ….
….
But none of them worked

0 0

I work at a pharmaceutical research lab, and we managed to кill a rat with marijuana today.
To be fair, it took around 20 lbs of it and we had to drop it on him a few times.

0 0

If life gives you melons…
…you’ll probaly end up working in hоотеrs.

0 0

Ham and eggs: a day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

0 0

A motorcycle cop sees a guy in a station wagon loaded with penguins. The cop, sensing something suspicious, immediately pulls the station wagon over. "You can't drive around with all those penguins," he tells the man. "You need to take them to the zoo."
"Good idea," replies the driver. The cop then lets him drive away. The next day, the same cop notices the same station wagon drive by. This time, he notices that all the penguins are wearing sunglasses. "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo, sir!" he tells the driver emphatically. "But I did, officer. And they liked it so much that today we're going to the beach."

0 0

“I know you only want to do what’s best for the business,” I said to my boss, “but I really don’t like being taken out of my comfort zone.”
He said, “For fuск sake,Dave,get out of bed and get your аrsе to work immediately.”

0 0

Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says,
"What's the first thing you see when you look at me?" The guy says,
"That's not too hard, you've got no ears." The interviewer says,
"That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again." The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies,
"Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company. As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing."
"Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me." The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts." The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?"
"What? Are you sтuрid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"

0 0

The wife insisted on calling our new baby daughter Lucy. I thought it was a good enough name, but I found it hard to remember and it was my job to register the baby with the authorities.
“Och,” said the wife with a sly smile, “just think of my little рussy and change the first letter to L.”
At the registry office, they asked me what the baby was to be called.
“Er,” I said, racking my brains, “we’d like to call her Lunt.”

0 0

A friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff's department canine unit. One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek.
Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further.
Then he noticed the sign on the building:
"Veterinarian's Office."

0 0

A small community had a fire and the local volunteer fire department. Well, the fire was just too big so they called for mutual aid from their neighboring town. Their fire truck came zooming by the local one and went right down the hill and parked right next to the fire. The fire fighters jumped out of the truck and feverishly went to work putting out the fire. The paint on the truck was bubbling, as they were so close. But soon they had the fire under control. After the fire was out, the local town's people were so impressed with the work the neighboring fire department did that they decided to give them a reward. The mayor presented the fire chief with a check for $3,000. Then he asked the chief what he was going to do with the money. The chief replied, " Well, the first thing I am going to do is fix the brakes on that fire truck."

0 0

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son’s house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally nакеd. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law said. “I am wearing my love dress.”
“Love dress? But you’re nакеd!” said the mother-in-law.
“My husband loves me to wear this dress,” she explained. “It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me.”
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
What are you doing?” he asked.
This is my love dress” she whispered, sensually.
“Needs ironing,” he said.

0 0

My wife phoned me at work and said, “I’m not wearing any knickers”
I said, “I’ll tell the boss I’m feeling sick”
She said, “So you can come home early and fсuк me?”
I said, “No, because now I’m feeling sick”

0 0

Two newlyweds quickly realized their marriage wasn't working and filed for a divorce. The judge asked them what the problem was. The husband replied:
"In the five weeks that we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on a single thing."
The judge turned to the wife:
"Have you anything to say?"
She answered:
"It's been six weeks, your honor."

0 0

Bill was showing Joe the family album, and came across a picture of himself and his wife on their wedding day. “Was that the day Mommy came to work for us?” Joe asked.

0 0