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There was a blonde who wanted a promotion at work, but her employer denied her the oppurtunity because she was blonde, so she dyed her hair a light brown colour, thinking it would do the trick, she would try it at work but first she was going to try it on the general public. So one day, she was in the countryside, and she pulled up by a farm, there was a farmer tending to some sheep, when she asked,
"If I can count how many sheep are in your field, could I have one."
"That is a deal, young lady," he replied. So she counted them up and finally counted them all.
"126"
"Well young lady, a deal is a deal, take your pick"
She was walking back to the car when the farmer called. "Young lady, if I guess what colour your hair really is, can I have my dog back??"
A woman owned a parrot that could say only one thing - “Who is it?” For years and years she had been trying to teach it to extend its vocabulary, but it resolutely refused to utter anything other than “Who is it?”
One day she had sent for the plumber, and as she had to go out shopping she arranged for him to find the key under the mat outside the front door. The plumber duly arrived, found the key, let himself in and set to work. Naturally the parrot, hearing someone in the house with an unfamiliar tread, decided to give a recital. “Who is it?” called the parrot. The plumber!” called the workman. Hearing a strange voice the parrot again decided to utter his one and only phrase. “Who is it?”
“The plumber!” came the response.
The parrot was not satisfied - he wanted to see who the stranger was. “Who is it? He called again, and again the plumber yelled out “It’s the plumber!” Again and again the bird called out “Who is it?” and again and again the poor bewildered plumber responded - “It’s the plumber! It’s the plumber! IT”S THE PLUMBER!” Eventually in a fury he roamed the house, going from room to room, trying to find out who was calling him - but he failed to realize that it was the parrot. This went on for a while, with him dashing around the house, growing increasingly desperate, and shouting out “It’s the plumber!” until eventually the wretched man fainted clean away in the hall!
Just at that moment the mistress of the house entered, saw the unconscious figure on the carper and said, “Oh! Who is it?”
The parrot replied, “It’s the plumber!”
When I arrived for my daughter’s parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn’t always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty.
“For example, she’ll do the wrong page in the workbook,” the teacher explained, “and I’ve even found her sitting in the wrong desk.”
“I don’t understand that,” I replied defensively. “Where could she have gotten that?”
The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likable. Finally, after a pause, she added, “By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow.”
H arry walks into work on Monday morning with a huge grin on his face. One of his co-workers says, “Why are you so happy?”
Harry says, “I went to Bingo for the first time in my life this weekend and I won a thousand bucks.”
A week later, Harry walks into work on Monday morning and he’s skipping down the hall, high-fiving everyone. One of his co-workers says, “You win at Bingo again?”
Harry says, “No, no, it’s better than that. I bought my first lottery ticket this past weekend and I won ten grand. I’m feeling so dамn lucky that I think I’m going to ask that new Pakistani girl in Accounting out on a date.”
The next Monday morning, Harry is doing cartwheels down the hall. One of the co-workers says, “Did you win another lottery?”
Harry says, “No, no, it’s better than that. You know that Pakistani girl from Accounting I asked out? Well, we had a great time at dinner, so I invited her up to my apartment for drinks, we wind up in bed, and the next thing I know, she’s giving me the best вlоwjов I ever had.”
One of his co-workers says, “Man, are you frigging lucky.”
Harry says, “No, no, it’s better than that. She’s blowing me, I look down, and you know that red dot on her forehead? I scratched it…and I won another ten grand.”
Mr. and Mrs. Levine worked their fingers to the bones just so that their son, Samela could go to college. They were overjoyed, and they spared no expense to send him off in style. A few months later he returned home on break, and the Levines went to the airport to meet him.
When he got off the plane, Mrs. Levine threw her arms around him and cried, “Samela, it’s so good to have you home.”
Her son drew back and said, “Please, Mother, you must stop calling me Samela. I’m eighteen years old now, not a little boy.”
His mother apologized meekly and tried a new topic of conversation. “Were you a good boy? Did you eat only kosher like I told you?”
But again Sam was firm. “Mother, this is the twentieth century,” he said. “It is foolish to observe all those old dietary laws when everyone knows they were invented only because of dangers to your health. All of those dangers are gone now that we have refrigeration and chemical preservatives. I don’t keep kosher, and you shouldn’t bother to either.”
“Well,” said his mother, “did you at least go to synagogue?”
“To tell the truth, Mother, I didn’t. All the guys go to the college chapel on Sunday for a non-denominational service.”
At this point Mrs. Levine lost control. “Just tell me one thing, Sam,” she said bitterly.
“Are you still circumcised?”
==
Three blondes were applying for the last available position in the Wyoming Sheriff’s Department. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So ya’ll want to be a cop, eh?” The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture and said,
“To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice such things as distinguishing features and oddities, like scars and tattoos.”
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
“Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?”
The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”
The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the same photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, “What about you? Did you notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?”
“Yes! He only has one ear!”
The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other ? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused, too!”
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but….”
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, “All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”
The blonde replied, “I sure did! This man wears contact lenses.”
The detective frowned, examined the picture and began reviewing some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right!
His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?”
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, duhhhhhhh!
With only one eye and one ear he certainly can’t wear glasses!”