Work Jokes, Office Jokes

In 1996, Peter was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1996, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.

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Signs you've had too much of the '90s Part II
21. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
22. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
23. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
25. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.
26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
27. The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours powers up.
28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
30. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
31. Your boss's favorite lines are: When you've got a few minutes... Could you fit this in...?... In your spare time... When you're freed up... I know you're busy but... I have an opportunity for you
32. Holiday is something you roll over to next year.
33. Every week another brown collection envelope comes round because someone you didn't know had started is leaving.
34. You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving' collection.
35. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."
36. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on your desk.
37. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
38. You read this entire list, kept nodding and smiling.
39. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "mates you send jokes to" e-mail group.
40. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you can't be bothered to check so you forward it anyway.

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There are 3 families living in 3 apartments in one building, a Mexican family, a white family, and a black family. A tonado hits the building one day. Which family survives?
The white family, because the children are at school and the parents are at work.

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One day while at her job as a bank loan officer, Patty Black, had a frog hop onto her desk and say, "I would like to apply for a lily-pad improvement loan." Patty looked incredulously at the frog and said,
"I'm sorry, we don't loan money to frogs." To which the frog replied, "I have collateral," as he handed her a small ceramic trinket. Not wanting to be impolite, Patty said,
"I don't know. I'll have to talk to the bank manager."
She walked back to the manager's office and said,
"There is a frog out here, asking for a lily-pad improvement loan, and this trinket is all he has for collateral." The bank manager picked up the trinket and looked at it carefully. Then smiling he turned to Patty and said,
"Why it's a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan."

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

There was a three storey apartment building with a black family living on the ground floor, a ракi family on the middle floor and a white family living on the top floor.
One day an earthquake struck and totally destroyed the building. Which of the three families survied?
The white family, because the parents were at work and the kids were at school.

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So, I looked around my house to see things I started, and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a рот of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines, and a box of Godiva Chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

“I see someone got drunк last night,” said my wife, waking me up.
“I only had three beers, so you’re fuскing wrong!” I raged.
“Fair enough,” she replied. “Could you just roll off the driveway, I’m going to be late for work.”

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Office and Work Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

When I die I want all the people I’ve ever worked with on group projects to lower me in the ground, just so they can let me down one last time

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Office and Work Jokes

Always give 100% at work:
* 12% Monday
* 23% Tuesday
* 40% Wednesday
* 20% Thursday
* 5% Friday
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now!
To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question... or is it?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
If women can have РМS, then why can't men have ESPN?
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw a great party.
Remember, half the people in the country are below average.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If you run out of sick days, call in dead.
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it"

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes

Did a sеxuаl harassment course earlier today at work. I think I’m going to be really good at it.

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Office and Work Jokes Dirty jokes

As I walked into work this morning my colleague said, “Dave, you look like shiт.”
“Last night was crazy.” I replied.
“What happened?” he asked.
“Me, my mate Steve and my mate Trevor all got very drunк,” I replied. “And we ended up going back to Trevor’s girlfriends flat and having a тhrееsоме.”
“Don’t you mean a foursome?” he asked.
“No, she was out.”

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Office and Work Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

One man enters in an ambulant and says to the doctor:
- Help me, please. I have a knife in my back.
The doctor, looking his watch says:
- Now is 2:20 PM, and I work till 2, so as you can imagine I've finished for today, and I can’t help you.
Be so kind and come tomorrow morning, at 8.
- But tomorrow morning I will be dead. You must help me now.
The doctor, angrily says:
- I explained to you gently that I've finished my shift for today, and that I can't do nothing for you.
You must pass here tomorrow.
- But, until tomorrow I will lose all my blood, and I will be dead.
Don’t you see that I have a knife in the back.
The doctor, already very angry and irritate extracts the knife from the back, and put it in the patients’ eye.
- Now you can go to ophthalmologist, he works till 3 PM.

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A man is staggering home drunк late at night when he’s stopped by a policeman.
‘What are you doing out here at this time of night?’ asks the officer.
‘I’m going to a lecture,’ replies the man.
‘And who’s going to give a lecture at this hour?’ asks the policeman.
‘My wife,’ replies the man.

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Police Officer Jokes

Aunt's Pay A young lady went to the dress shop where her aunt worked and picked up her aunt's pay.
On the way home she was robbed, so she called the police and said,
"I just lost my aunt's pay."
The desk sargeant said , "Ouyay, Unnyfay!"

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Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes

Nerd Rap:
People always ask why I act like those nerds,
Why I correct grammar and why I use big words.
Stupid... is officially whack.
Man you look real fly, but you can't spell cat!
Popularity's irrelevant; Gotta be intelligent.
Stay in the books, and you'll be the new president.
Got an A+; they all made fun of me.
Grew up, now they're working for my company.
L-O-L, exclamation point, send!
I'm so awesome; want to be my friend?

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

To the guy asking what joy I find in suicide jokes, the answer is simple. I make suicide jokes to cope with my crippling depression. Must be working, cause I’m still here

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Office and Work Jokes

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

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A man walks into the sheriff's office....
"I want to become a deputy!"
"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.
The poster reads:
'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'
"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.
"Rustling."

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes

Tom was a model husband.
Mind you, he wasn’t a working model.

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

You work at a corner store and a hot girl walks in.
You ask for her number and she gives you a piece of paper with her phone number and address.
She tells you to take her out today.
She leaves and you tell your boss that you're going to f*uck the sh*t out of her and how you're going to rock her world.
You go to her house and your boss is in the kitchen and the girl tells him, big daddy.
You run out as fast as you can.
You go to work the next day and the girl is there waiting for you and tells you that it's over between you two.
Your boss asks you why didn't you go through with it.
You tell him you thought you would be mad and fire me if you knew I was talking about your daughter.
Your boss says I'm not her father in her Plummer.
You ask him why she called him daddy.
He says because that's my first name.

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