Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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What’s the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?
Plastic surgery.

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Spoonerisms often used in the English language as a foundation for jokes and puns. In the 1800’s / early 1900’s, there was an absent-minded faculty member at Oxford named William Spooner that “messed up” while giving his lectures and sermons. …
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Quotations attributed to Spooner include: …
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(1) “It is kisstomary to cuss the bride” (…customary to kiss the bride)
(2) “I am tired of addressing beery wenches” (weary benches)
(3) “Mardon me padam, this pie is occupewed. Can I sew you to another sheet?” (Pardon me, madam, this pew is occupied. Can I show you to another seat?)
(4) “You have hissed all my mystery lectures, and were caught fighting a liar in the quad. Having tasted two worms, you will leave by the next town drain” (You have missed all my history lectures, and were caught lighting a fire in the quad. Having wasted two terms, you will leave by the next down train)
The combinations that make spoonerisms are endless.
Bottle in front of me (Frontal Lobotomy)
Chipping the Flannel (Flipping the Channel)
Shaking a Tower (Taking a Shower)
Bad salad (Sad ballad)
Mean as custard (Keen as mustard)
Plaster man (Master plan)
Pleating and humming (Heating and plumbing)
Trim your snow tail (Trim your toe nails)
Birthington’s washday (Washington’s Birthday)
Trail snacks (Snail tracks)
Bolder Shades (Shoulder Blades)
Sale of two тiттiеs (Tale of two cities)
Rental Deceptionist (Dental Receptionist)
Chewing the doors (Doing the chores)
Cunning stunts
Tool kits
Smart Fella
And the difference between a warhorse and a workhorse?
The warhorse “Darts into the Fray,” and the workhorse “Farts into the Dray.”

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I walked up to a girl in the pub and asked her if she liked the strong and quiet type.
“As a matter of fact I do.” She said.
So I let out a fаrт and walked away.

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My mate was rushed into hospital this morning suffering from a severe case of premature еjасulатiоn.
I phoned the hospital to get an update of his condition and they replied, “it’s touch and go at the moment.

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What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a man’s favorite thing? …
Miscarriage. …
This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

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As a young boy I asked my grandpa when the rain was going to stop. He replied with a twinkle in his eye, "If this rain keeps up... it won't come down!"

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I was in an English exam and they asked “Write the past tense of ‘Think'”
I thought and thought about this for ages.
Eventually, I went for ‘Thunk’

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I’ve tried dating websites.
But no priest will a marry man and HTML.

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I just used the vcuum clener on my keybord.
Brillint.

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All those years of phone sеx has caught up with me…
I now have hearing aids.

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I invented the sandal for people with one leg.
It was a flop.

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My wife was shocked when she came home from work last night.
I’d wired the door handle to the mains.

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When my wife told me Scandinavian languages don’t have the letter ‘R’ I immediately thought…
No way!

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Ever since the wife and I bought a water bed, we’ve drifted apart.

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A man walks into a Library and says, “Oi вiтсh. I want a fuскing book to learn some cunting Spanish. Where the fuск are they?”
Librarian says, “There’s no need for that language, sir!”
He says, “You’re probably right. They all speak English anyway.”

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For Sale: Thick layer of dust.
As seen on TV.

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I was tired of driving my old веатеr, so I stopped in to my local dealer.
The salesman showed me all the new models. No more station wagons, they are called SUVs. They had sub-compacts, intermediates, electric cars, hybrids… you name it, they had it.
I purchased a completely new model called a Pervertible. The top stays up and the driver goes down.

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A man walks into a library with a book on suicide.
The librarian says, “sorry to hear about your friend”.

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