Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes, Beer Jokes

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I’m just a social drinker. Every time someone says, “I’ll have a drink”, I say, “Social I.”

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How are nail polish and раnтiеs the same?
They both come off with a little alcohol.

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Alcohol makes people do things they know they shouldn't but kinda want to. E. G I started sleeping 20 hours a day.

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Give a man a вееr and he will entertain you…
Hold a mans вееr and he will entertain the world.

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I have decided to produce and sell a strong alcoholic drink called “Responsibly”
That way everyone in the country can get shiт faced drinking responsibly.
And all the other drinks makers will be advertising for me on their cans with the slogan “please drink responsibly”

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A man walks into a bar brandishing a gun … “Which one of you ваsтаrds fuскеd my wife?!” …
A guy, standing at the bar, calmly takes a sip of his whiskey, turns to the gunman, waves his hand around the bar and says, “YOU DON’T HAVE THAT MANY BULLETS!”

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Why is there so much blood in my alcohol system?

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I recently got an alcohol tester fitted to my wallet to make sure I don’t drink too much when I’m driving. It’s a picture of my wife, when she starts looking good I know I’ve had too much.

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I got home рissеd at 3am and found my wife had changed the locks.
As I stumbled away I noticed the вiтсh had also changed the street we live on.

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Bartender:
“Your glass is empty, would you like another?”
Me:
“No, Why the hеll would I want to have TWO empty glasses?”

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Don't forget that alcohol helps to remove the stress, the вrа, the раnтiеs and many other problems.

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I hate when people say you don't need alcohol to have fun. I mean, you don't need running shoes to run but they freckin help.

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I walked into a pub and said to the barman, “Stella please mate”.
He said, “Are you 18?”
I said, “No.”
He said, “I can’t serve you then.”
As I walked out I thought to myself, “This is the fourth pub - what does a 22 year old have to do to get a pint round here?”

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My boss called me.
“Why are you late?!” he asked angrily.
“I’m stuck behind a group of bikers.” I replied.
“Can’t you just ask them to move over?” he said.
“But they look aggressive,” I said, “And the barman hasn’t served them yet.”

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It’s a ten minute walk from my house to the pub.
Weirdly, it’s a two hour walk from the pub to my house.

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Nobody works harder than a drunк person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

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“A large whiskey please.” I said to the barman today.
“Hang on a minute, Dave.” he replied, “You promised me last night that your lips will never touch another glass!”
“Correct.” I said, “Pass me a fсuкing straw.”

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A man weaving up to a local bar orders a whiskey. The bartender Joe, noticing the condition of Tony, says,
"I can't serve you Tony, you have had too much to drink."
Tony walks around the block and comes in the side door and orders a whiskey. Joe again says,
"You have had too much already. I can't serve you."
Tony walks the block again and comes in the back door and orders a whiskey and before Joe has a chance to refuse him the drink, Tony says,
"Hey Joe! How many places do you work at?"

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