Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes, Beer Jokes

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I should be under the limit tonight for St. Раddy’s Day. If I’m stopped, I will likely test at less than 0.05 blood in my alcohol stream.

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Why are some diseases more acceptable than others? When you have cancer you get compassion and sympathy but when you’re an alcoholic you get shouted at and told thrown out of the ladies toilets at McDonalds.

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You can consider yourself lucky in life, if the cognac you drink is older than the woman that you're sleeping with.

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I was walking down the street earlier when this guy approached me “Oi, are you the Мuррет that was chatting my bird Julie up in the pub last Friday?” he snarled.
“I’m not sure mate what does she look like?” I asked
“That’s her” he said handing me a photo.
“It wasn’t me mate,” I replied “I only had five pints last Friday”

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I gave my mate a Paracetamol. He said, “What the fсuк is that for?”
I said, “To put in your pint.”
“And why would I do that?” he replied.
I said, “Well, considering the fact you’ve been nursing it for over an hour, I just assumed it was ill.”

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I was standing outside the off licence earlier when I stopped some bloke who was going in.
I said, “Excuse me mate, can you buy me some alcohol please?”
He looked at me and said, “You must be old enough, surely?”
“Yeah I am” I replied, “I just don’t have any money.”

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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

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A man walks into a bar…
The bartender asks “Why the long face?”
The man replies “I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I’ve decided I’m going to drink myself to death.”
The bartender looks shocked and says “I’m sorry I can’t help you кill yourself.”
The man asks “Well what would you do in my situation?”
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says “If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself, I’d кill the guy.”
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts “That’s a great idea! Thanks!” and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
“Did you кill the guy?” The bartender asks nervously.
“Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please.”

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Angus and Jack were two old Inibrians. Angus was dying and asked Jack, "When I am gone Jack, for old times sake, will you pour a bottle of whisky over my grave?" Jack replied, "Sure, I'll do that as long as you don't mind if it goes through my kidneys first."

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Everyone is telling me about this swanky cocktail lounge and piano bar. “Great place,” someone said. “You’ve gotta go sometime,” said another.
So, Saturday night I went.
I ordered a ruм and coke, a pretty ordinary drink and just about choked when the waitress told me the price. Whew!
Normally I would toss back two, three or four drinks in a half hour, but not if I have to get a second mortgage on the old homestead. Sheesh!
So I chose to sit there, listen to the pianist and nurse my drink ever so slowly.
Boy did I nurse it! The ice cubes became floating slivers. The waitress grew rather impatient.
I nursed that ruм and coke so long it grew a niррlе.

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My Doctor said that my heavy drinking was making me Paranoid.
“So when did you have your last drink?” He asked
I said, “What do you mean, last?”.

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I answered the door last night and there was a group of girls standing in the porch with a bag full of alcohol.
“We’re here for the party.” they smiled.
“The house is already busy,” I said, swigging my lager, “But I’ll let you in if you show me your тiтs.”
So they all showed me their тiтs and said, “Can we come in now?”
I said, “You can if you want but the party’s next door.”

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I'm about to have my favorite alcoholic drink. It's called a lot.

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I took my uncle to his first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. You ever been to an AA meeting? I went, but we ended up at an AAA meeting by mistake. The thing is, we didn't know it. Everybody's sitting there filling out forms and reading maps. We're looking at it going, 'How is this going to help?' But my uncle's a trooper. He stood up and said, 'My name is Frank and I'm an alcoholic.' They all looked and said, 'Well, you shouldn't be driving.'

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I’ve finally decided to stop drinking for good…
Now I’ll only drink for evil.

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My wife said “You only ever want sеx when you’re drunк”. I replied, “That’s not true…. sometimes I want a kebab”.

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A man wanted to prove to a group of alcoholics the effect of alcohol in human body system. He brought two jars; one containing water and the other containing alcohol, along with a very healthy worm. He said to the audience:
"This jar contain water"
He dropped the worm in the jar and said,
"Please watch the reaction". The worm swam to the side of the jar and up it floats dangling and swimming.
The man took the worm out of the first jar and put it in the second jar containing alcohol and said to the audience " now watch the reaction" The worm went right down into the water and struggled for survival. There and then every body saw the worm shrinking and dis-integrating, and in one word, died.
The man turned round an asked the audience " what would you all say to this".
After a long silence, someone from the rear stood up and said
" I can see that if I drink alcohol, there will be no more worn in my body".

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I was way too drunк last night to drive home.
So I drove to another party.

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