Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes, Beer Jokes

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I drink to forget that I accidentally once said "I love you" when ending a call with a customer service rep.

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I can’t walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.

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I was drinking at a bar last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”
I shouted, “Неll, I know the whole alphabet.”
Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.

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I am not an alcoholic. I simply enjoy living in liquid medium.

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He's a recovering alcoholic: recovering from last night!

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A man got really drunк one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said,
"I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "... The barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."

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Red Bull and Vоdка. Because you want to be wide awake for this mistake.

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The bank called and asked if my credit card had been stolen.
They were concerned, because it hadn’t been used at the liquor store since Thursday.

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Boy: when I say something you say addicted
Girl: ok
Boy: drugs
Girl: addicted
Boy: alcohol
Girl: addicted
Boy: what made your throat so big
Girl: a-diск-did

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I got drunк last night and my house wasn't where I left it.

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Isn’t it funny how dogs mark their territory by рissing on it?
Using that same logic, I must own most of the houses on my route back from the pub.

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An оrgаn grinder and a monkey enter a tavern and take a couple seats at the bar.
"Give me a shot of whiskey!" said the оrgаn grinder to the bartender.
"I'll have the same," said the monkey.
The bartender looks in astonishment as he pours the drinks.
"What's the special here?" the оrgаn grinder asks.
"Yeah," the monkey chimes in. "We're starving."
"O. K.," says the bartender. "What's going on here? You're a monkey. You can't talk!"
"I sure can! Not only can I talk, but I'm also a ventriloquist!"

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Why are some diseases more acceptable than others? When you have cancer you get compassion and sympathy but when you’re an alcoholic you get shouted at and told thrown out of the ladies toilets at McDonalds.

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You can consider yourself lucky in life, if the cognac you drink is older than the woman that you're sleeping with.

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Coffee makes people really aggressive. Last night I had eleven pints at the pub and my wife two coffees at home.
You should’ve seen how рissеd off she was.

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I was walking down the street earlier when this guy approached me “Oi, are you the Мuррет that was chatting my bird Julie up in the pub last Friday?” he snarled.
“I’m not sure mate what does she look like?” I asked
“That’s her” he said handing me a photo.
“It wasn’t me mate,” I replied “I only had five pints last Friday”

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I gave my mate a Paracetamol. He said, “What the fсuк is that for?”
I said, “To put in your pint.”
“And why would I do that?” he replied.
I said, “Well, considering the fact you’ve been nursing it for over an hour, I just assumed it was ill.”

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I was standing outside the off licence earlier when I stopped some bloke who was going in.
I said, “Excuse me mate, can you buy me some alcohol please?”
He looked at me and said, “You must be old enough, surely?”
“Yeah I am” I replied, “I just don’t have any money.”

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