Drinking and Drunk Jokes

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This guy walks into a bar and orders a вееr.
The bartender looks at the guy and says" Have you seen Eileen?"
The guy is rather confused and asked " Eileen who?"
The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my вuтт."
Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street.
So he sits down and orders a вееr.
While he is drinking his вееr he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him.
The bartender then told him," You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say I bend over and you kiss my вuтт.
So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben.
And the Bartender said " Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen."
The guy asks" Eileen who?
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During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day.
He went up to the bartender and said,
"Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said,
"That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wаd of bills and set them on the bar.
The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said,
"There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it.
"Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you sсrеwеd me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said,
"Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here.
I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you sсrеwеd me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender.
I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals.
After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar.
Drunk as a skunk, he said,
"Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and рiss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began рissing all over the place.
He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said,
"Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said,
"That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could рiss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out... Un homme entre dans un bar et s'assoit. Il dit au barman : "Je vous parie cinquante dollars que je peux me mordre l'oeil droit." Le barman répond : "Oui, c'est ça ! Je n'ai jamais vu personne faire... Een man komt een café binnen en bestelt een pilsje . Als hij hem leeg heeft vraagt hij aan de barman : " zullen we eens een kleine weddenschap afsluiten ?" 't was niet druk dus de barman zei dat...
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There was this guy, let's call him bob.
One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.
After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go.
So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was.
Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, "wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!"
Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet.
He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet.
This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, "do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?"
And the bartender said to another person that was there, "hey!
I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!"
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Седи и пие в бара тъжен Генко чаша след чаша. Накрая барманът не издържа и пита: Двајца мажи зборуваат. Едниот прашува: В баре грустный мужик заказывает рюмку за рюмкой. В конце концов бармен не выдерживает и спрашивает: Einen Monat Schweigen Ein Mann sitzt im Restaurant und weint. Der Kellner kommt dazu und fragt, was passiert sei.Der Mann antwortet: Meine Frau meinte, sie wird für einen ganzen Monat kein Wort mehr mit mir sprechen.Der Kellner: Ein Mann geht in eine Bar und setzt sich an die Theke. Fragt der Kellner: "Warum denn so traurig?" Sagt der Mann: "Meine Frau hat gesagt, sie will einen Monat lang nicht mit mir reden!" Sagt der Kellner: "Das ist doch nicht so schlimm. Diese Zeit geht auch vorbei." Antwortet der Mann: "Ja, heute!"
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- Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. - Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the вuтт and a 'Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time' would pretty much do it. - Birth control would come in ale or lager. - Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. - St. Patrick's Day would be celebrated every month. - Garbage would take itself out. - The only show opposite 'Monday Night Football' would be 'Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.' - Instead of 'вееr-belly,' you'd get 'вееr-biceps.' - Tanks would be far easier to rent. - Two words... 'Ally McNaked.' - When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: 'You know how fast you were going?'You: 'All I know is, I was spilling my вееr all over the place.' Cop :'Nice one, That's $10.00 off'. - People would never talk about how fresh they felt.- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.- Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said 'You're #1!'- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. - Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to 'I love you.' - The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. - 'Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night,' would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. - At the end of the workday a whistle would вlоw andyou would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. - Hallmark would make 'Sorry, what was your name again?' cards.
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A man buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for $30,000+, and has $400.00+ in monthly payments. He's pretty proud of this rig and gets ahold of his friend to do some male bonding with the new ride. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with their guns, the dog, the вееr and of course the new vehicle.
They drive out onto the ice. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area to attract ducks - something the decoys will float on.
Remember it's all ice, and in order to make a hole large enough to interest a flock of ducks - a hole big enough to entice ducks to land, they needed to use a little more than an ice hole drill...
Sooo, out of the back of the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40-second fuse. Now to their credit, these two rocket scientists DID take into consideration that if they placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) would be waiting and ran back quickly, they would risk slipping on the ice as they ran from the imminent explosion and could possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. After a little deliberation, they come up with lighting and THROWING the dynamite, which is what they end up doing.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the вееr, the guns AND THE DOG???? Yes, the dog. The driver's pet Black Lab (used for retrieving - especially things thrown by the owner). You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice, reaching the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice - all to the woe of the two idiots which are now yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the hеll to do now...
The dog is happy and now heads back toward the "hunters" with the stick of dynamite. I think we all can picture the ever-increasing concern on the part of the brain trust, as the loyal Labrador Retriever approaches. The Bozos now are REALLY waving their arms - yelling even louder and generally feeling kinda panicked... Now finally one of the guys decides to think - something that neither had done before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. This sounds better than it really is, because the shotgun was loaded with #8 duck shot and hardly effective enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog DID stop for a moment, slightly confused, but then continued on. Another shot, and this time the dog - still standing, became REALLY confused & of course scared...
Thinking that these two Nobel Prize Winners have gone TOTALLY INSANE, the pooch takes off to find cover with a now extremely short fuse still burning on the stick of dynamite. The cover the dogs finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee worth 30-some thousand dollars the $400.00+ monthly payment vehicle that is sitting nearby on the lake ice.
BOOM! Dog dies, vehicle sinks to bottom of lake, and these two "Co-Leaders of the Known Universe" are left standing there with this "I can't EVEN believe this happened to me" look on their faces. Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company and is promptly informed that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT covered on his policy... He had yet to make his first car payment.
Gravity kills
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use accessory straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground." Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma". An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
Launched on the fourth of july
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to test fire some fireworks. The only real problem was, their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and found dead some 250 yards from their respective seats.
Don't ask god to prove himself, he just might
A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide and shouted:
"HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.
The boys of summer
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate himself) was hospitalized.
They say those things will кill you
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone ... more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.
Got a light?
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition -- lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses later described the scene of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
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