Animal Jokes - Page 24

What kind of noise annoys an oyster?
A noisy noise annoys an oyster.
(Try saying that fast!)

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Animal Jokes

Two hikers are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.
They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.
The first hiker gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
The second hiker says, "What are you doing?"
The first responds, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we ll have to jump down and make a run for it."
The second says, "Are you crazy? Don't you know you can't outrun a bear?
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you!"

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Animal Jokes

Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up.
Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

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Pet Jokes Animal Jokes

Q: What do you say to a bodybuilding соw farmer?
A: Show us your calves!

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Fitness jokes Animal Jokes

A summer visitor asked the farmer how long cows should be milked.
"Oh, I reckon about the same as short ones!" the farmer answered.

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Farmer Jokes Animal Jokes

What does a bunny use when it goes fishing?
A harenet.

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Fishing Jokes Animal Jokes

Q: What do you call a соw playing with its self?
A: Beef stroganoff.

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Food Jokes Animal Jokes

The mommy Cobra with her little son are taking a “walk”.
The little cobra asks; "Mommy, are we poisonous?"
"Yes, we are. Why you ask?"
The little cobra asks again; "Are you sure that we’re poisonous?"
"Yes I am!" says the mom with pride.
The little one asks again; "Are you very very sure that we’re very poisonous?"
"Dамn sure! We’re the most poisonous snakes in the whole world! But why you ask?"
The little cobra burst into tears; "Cause I bit my tongue a bit before!"

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Animal Jokes

A man is walking home when he sees a dog buying meat for his owner.
The man watches the dog when the butcher takes a little to much and growls and him until he gets the right amount.
The man follows the dog and watches as the dog stands on two legs and helps an old lady across the street.
Amazed the man follows the dog home and watches the dog ring the doorbell.
When the owner comes to the door the owner takes the bags and tells the dog to stay in the front yard.
Frustrated the man goes up to the owner and yells "This dog is amazing! He gets your groceries, makes sure you have the exact change, helps old ladies across the street and this is how you treat him!"
The owner replies, "I know but,this is the 3rd time this week he left his keys".

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Pet Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Dog jokes

A man goes to the circus. After the show he speaks to the manager and asks for a job.
"Alright, what can you do?", the manager asks.
"I can do great bird impressions", the man replies.
"Pssh, a lot of people can do that".
"Oh well", the man says and flies away.

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Animal Jokes Men jokes Boss Jokes

How did the farmer find his lost соw?
He tractor down.

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Farmer Jokes Car and driving jokes Animal Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken.
The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, "Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die..."

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Waiter Jokes Food Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Animal Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Restaurant Jokes

One day some soldiers from a nearby Army camp saw a boy leading a donkey.
They thought they would have some fun with him.
"Say, boy," called out one of the soldiers.
"You sure are keeping a tight rein on your brother, aren't you?"
"Sure am," said the boy.
"If I didn't he would probably join the Army."

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Military Jokes Animal Jokes

Two friends were walking through the woods when they thought they heard something.
They turned around and saw a big black bear coming towards them.
Both men started to run when one of them stopped to change into tennis shoes.
The second man said "You don't have time to change shoes. You can't outrun that bear!"
The first man said, "I know I can't outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you"!

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Friendship Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Q:Why do dogs stick their noses in women's crotches?
A:Because they can.

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Pet Jokes Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Dog jokes

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the Pearly Gates, petted her on the head and said,
"You have been a good cat for these 40 years. Anything that you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and replied, "All my life I have lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more."
Instantly the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident, and they all went to heaven together.
God met them at the gates of Heaven with the same offer He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, all our lives we've had to run from dogs, cats and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates, we'd never have to run again."
God said, "It is done!"
All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat.
He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.
God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, I've never been so happy in my life! My pillow is so fluffy, and those little meals-on-wheels you've been sending over here are delicious!"

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Pet Jokes God Jokes Animal Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.
When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, “See the doggy?”
Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me.
However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, “See the baby?”

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Pet Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Baby Jokes Dog jokes

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves, "What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" The lady confirmed,
"Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."

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Animal Jokes

Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar.
And doesn’t.

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Science jokes Animal Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Nerd jokes

An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse. Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle's вuтт and asks, "How high up are we?"
"About 2,000 feet," the eagle replies.
The mouse replies, "You ain't sh*ttin' me, are you?"

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Gross Jokes Animal Jokes