Animal Jokes - Page 29

At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear.
The judge asks the baby bear, "Do you want to live with papa bear?"
The baby bear replied, "No he beats me."
The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear!
The baby bear said, "No she beats me too."
The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?"
The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"

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Birdie, birdie, in the sky Dropped some white stuff in my eye,I'm a big girl, I won't cry, I'm just glad that cows don't fly.

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Gross Jokes Animal Jokes Funny Poems

Q: What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
A: Lots of room.

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Gross Jokes Animal Jokes

A married couple go to a restaurant. A blonde waitress takes their order and returns several minutes later, carrying a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it.The man asks, "Where's the burger?"
The waitress lifts her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit. "I was keeping it warm," she replies.
The wife says, "Please cancel my hot dog order."

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Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Blonde Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Dog jokes Restaurant Jokes

To the tune of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland":
Dog tags ring, are you listening'?
In the lane, snow is glistening.
It's yellow, not white - I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I рее, it's my property.
Marked up as my winter wonderland."
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go, man,
So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine!
Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast,
"Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland."

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Gross Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Funny Poems Dad Jokes

Yo mama's so fат, Godzilla tried to f**k her and fell in.

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Gross Jokes Animal Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "I don't think I can get hard - I just got laid this morning!"

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Men vs Women Jokes Animal Jokes Easter Jokes

A boy asks his mother for breakfast. She says, "Not until you feed the animals."
The boy goes outside and says to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicks the chicken. He does the same with the соw and the pig. The boy goes back into the house and tells his mother that he's hungry. His mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the соw, so you're not getting any milk, and I saw kick the pig, so you're not getting any bacon."
Just then the boy's father walks down the steps, trips and kicks the cat. The boy says, "Mom, should I tell him?"

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Animal Jokes Food Jokes

Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?
On squid row.

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Animal Jokes

What do you get from a short-legged соw?
Dragon milk.

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Animal Jokes Food Jokes Dwarf Jokes

What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours?
A hermit crab.

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Animal Jokes

Rabbit: "Are you sure this bottle of special carrot juice will cure me?"
Doctor: "Absolutely. No rabbit ever came back for another."

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Animal Jokes Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A skunk and a rabbit were running through the woods and accidentally they collided with each other. They both got amnesia from the crash.
"Who am I? What am I?" said the rabbit confused.
"Well, you're one such... with a short tail, long ears..."
"I guess!" shouted the rabbit, "I'm a rabbit!"
"And what am I?" asked the skunk.
"Ah! Yes. You're one such hairy, smelly, with a sтriр in the middle..."
"Wow!", yelled the skunk, "Probably I'm an аss!"

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Animal Jokes

What happened to the man who tried to cross a lioin with a goat?
He had to get a new goat.

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm.
He walks up to his wife with it and says, "This is the pig I've been f*cking'."
His wife says, "That's a duck."
He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you."...

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Dirty jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

Q: What is a turkey's favorite dessert?
A: Peach gobbler.

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Animal Jokes Thanksgiving Jokes

A cowboy rode up to the saloon, dismounted from his horse, and dusted himself off.
He then walked around to the rear of his horse, lifted the tail and kissed it right on the rестuм.
As the cowboy walked into the saloon, the shocked barkeeper asked, "Did you just kiss your horse's вuтт?"
The cowboy said, "Sure, I've got chapped lips."
The stunned barkeep asked if this was an old Indian cure.
The cowboy said, "Nope.
But, sure as s**t, it keeps me from licking my lips!"

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Animal Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes

A man walks into a bar with a dog.
The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here."
"You don't understand," says the man.
"This is no regular dog, he can talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartender.
"If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks.
"The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"
"Roof!"
"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?"
"Bark!"
"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!"
"I guess you've heard enough," says the man.
"I'll take the hundred in twenties."
The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you."
As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?"

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Animal Jokes Sports Jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Dog jokes

Two elephants meet a totally nакеd guy.
After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”

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Animal Jokes Men jokes Good jokes

A boy is selling fish on a corne r. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"
A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'"
The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds:
"That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the fuскing potatoes!"

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