Animal Jokes - Page 28

Birdie, birdie, in the sky Dropped some white stuff in my eye,I'm a big girl, I won't cry, I'm just glad that cows don't fly.

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Q: What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
A: Lots of room.

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Gross Jokes Animal Jokes

A married couple go to a restaurant. A blonde waitress takes their order and returns several minutes later, carrying a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it.The man asks, "Where's the burger?"
The waitress lifts her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit. "I was keeping it warm," she replies.
The wife says, "Please cancel my hot dog order."

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Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Blonde Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Dog jokes Restaurant Jokes

To the tune of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland":
Dog tags ring, are you listening'?
In the lane, snow is glistening.
It's yellow, not white - I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I рее, it's my property.
Marked up as my winter wonderland."
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go, man,
So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine!
Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast,
"Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland."

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Gross Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Funny Poems Dad Jokes

Yo mama's so fат, Godzilla tried to f**k her and fell in.

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Gross Jokes Animal Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "I don't think I can get hard - I just got laid this morning!"

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Men vs Women Jokes Animal Jokes Easter Jokes

A boy asks his mother for breakfast. She says, "Not until you feed the animals."
The boy goes outside and says to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicks the chicken. He does the same with the соw and the pig. The boy goes back into the house and tells his mother that he's hungry. His mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the соw, so you're not getting any milk, and I saw kick the pig, so you're not getting any bacon."
Just then the boy's father walks down the steps, trips and kicks the cat. The boy says, "Mom, should I tell him?"

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Food Jokes Animal Jokes

"Your Honor, it was an accident! I had to run into the fence to keep from hitting the соw!"
"Was it a Jersey соw?"
"I don't know, I didn't see her license plate!"

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Animal Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Customer: "Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup."
Waiter: "Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers."

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Food Jokes Animal Jokes Waiter Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

One day, a team of blondes and a brunette team took part in a fishing contest. They went to the Frozen Lake and installed from a two different perspectives.
The brunettes were making fish one after another, but the blondes were unlucky.
The blonde team gathered around in a circle and start a discussion about the problem and wanted to find an answer for it.
After two hours they decided to send someone to spy on the other team, so they can find out what the brunettes were doing differently.
The blonde spy goes and hides behind the bushes.
After a while, breathless arrives at her team and screams with joy: "I’ve found it! I’ve found it! We gonna rip them off!"
All the blondes, full of wonder asked her: "Spit it out, what do the brunettes do differently?"
"Whole! They’re opening a whole in the ice!"

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Blonde Jokes Animal Jokes Fishing Jokes American Presidents Humor

I've trained my dog to bring me red wine.
It's a Bordeaux collie.

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Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Wine jokes Dog jokes

I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunк staggering along the road.
He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunк, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Dамn, that is one ugly child!."
As the drunк wandered off, the lady burst into tears.
Just then, a mailman came to her rescue.
"What's the matter, madam?" he asked.
"I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed.
"There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket.
"Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"

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Jokes about Women Kids Jokes Insult Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Ugly Jokes

Mama Raptor and Papa Raptor were in court getting a divorce and the judge offered Baby Raptor a choice of which parent to live with.
JUDGE: "Do you want to live with your mother?"
BABY RAPTOR: "No! She beats me."
JUDGE: "OK, then you can live with your father."
BABY RAPTOR: "No! He beats me too!"
JUDGE: "Well you have to live with someone. Who do you want to live with?"
BABY RAPTOR: "I want to live with my Aunt Bertha in Toronto."
JUDGE: "Is there any chance she'll beat you also?"
BABY RAPTOR: "No sir. The Toronto Raptors don't beat anybody."

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Animal Jokes Judge and Court Jokes Baby Jokes Dinosaur jokes

Little Mathieu was digging in his garden a hole.
The next door neighbor saw him and asked;
"Why are you digging the dirt Mathieu?"
"My goldfish died, and I have to bury it."
"Oh, I’m so sorry! But, isn’t that hole too big for a small goldfish?"
"Indeed, it is! But my goldfish is inside your sтuрid cat!"

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Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Pet Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Stupid Jokes

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon.

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Animal Jokes

If you make a соw angry, how will she get even?
She'll cream you.

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Animal Jokes

One day this little girl’s dad came home and she runs up to him.
“Daddy, the cat died today!”
“Well, darling,” said the dad. “That’s just something that happens.”
“But why are his arms and legs up in the air?”
“Well, darling, that’s just something they do.”
She takes the death fairly well and doesn’t mention it until a few days later.
When the dad comes home, she runs up to him.
“Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today!”
“What are you talking about?”
“I came downstairs and I heard her screaming ’Oh Jesus, take me, take me!’ And she had her arms and legs up in the air and if it hadn’t been for the mailman trying to revive her she would have died.”

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Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Pet Jokes Dad Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,
"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.
The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -
"Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

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Animal Jokes

Look over there! Said the frightened skunk to his pal.
"There's a human with a gun, and he's getting closer and closer! What are we going to do?"
To which the second skink calmly replied, "Let us spray ."

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Animal Jokes

What's a skunk's philosophy of life?
Eat, stink and be merry.

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Animal Jokes Philosophy Jokes