Computer Jokes

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Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes
Customer Service Rep: Can you install LOVE?
Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?
Customer Service Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am?
Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?
Customer Service Rep: What programs are running ma'am?
Customer: Let me see.... I have PASTHURT. EXE, LOWESTEEM. EXE, GRUDGE. EXE, and RESENTMENT. COM running right now.
Customer Service Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT. EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM. EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM. EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE. EXE and RESENTMENT. COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
Customer Service Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS. EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE. EXE and RESENTMENT. COM have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?
Customer Service Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
Customer Service Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops... I have an error message already. What should I do?
Customer Service Rep: What does the message say?
Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?
Customer Service Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE” others.
Customer: So what should I do?
Customer Service Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
Customer: Yes, I have it.
Customer Service Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.
Customer Service Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF. DOC, SELFESTEEM. TXT, REALIZEWORTH. TXT, and GOODNESS. DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC. EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE. MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH. COM, PEACE. EXE, and CONTENTMENT. COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!
Customer Service Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...
Customer: Yes?
Customer Service Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.
Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.
Computer Jokes
True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller:
"Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech:
"Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller:
"The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period.
How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech:
"I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller:
"Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech:
"Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller:
"It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional.
It just has '4X' on it. “At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because
He couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM
Drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
Computer Jokes
You know it is time to reassess your relationship with
Your computer when....
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and
Stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if
You just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
For the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :
- ) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
Processor. Com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a
Computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really
Depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they
Have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you
Landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
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The Creation of the PC
1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte.
And from those he created the Word.
2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed.
And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened.
And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places.
And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
4. And God said - Let the computers be,
So there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and
Compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
5. And there was no Software yet.
But God created programs; small and big... And told them:
Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
6. And God said - I will create the Programmer;
And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers
And programs and Data.
7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center;
And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said
You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.
8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone.
He took a воnе from the Programmer's body and created a creature that
Would look up at the Programmer, and admire the Programmer, and love the
Things the Programmer does;
And God called the creature: the User.
9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the nакеd DOS and it
Was Good.
10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God.
And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any
Programs ?
11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program
And every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you
Did not even try?
The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God.
You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your
Mouse.
13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and
Easier to use.
And the User saw that any knowledge was useless since Windows could
Replace it.
14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer;
And said to the Programmer that it was good.
15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers.
And God asked him - What are you looking for?
And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I
Can not find them in the DOS.
And God said - Who told you that you need drivers? Did you run Windows?
And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to !
16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by
All the creatures.
And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell
Windows.
17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows
Will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to
Use lousy programs;
And you will always rely on the Programmers help.
18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User
You will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will
Have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and
Secured it with a password.
20. General protection fault
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