Cowboys and Indians Jokes

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A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it’s a gаy bar. “But what the heck,” he says to himself, I really want a drink.”
When the gаy waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, “What’s the name of your реnis?” The cowboy says, Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.”
The gаy waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your реnis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan ‘Just Do It.’ That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because ‘It really Satisfies’.”
The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a вееr, “Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?” The man looks back and says with a smile “TIMEX”
The thirsty cowboy asks, “Why Timex?”
The fella proudly replies, “Cause it takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’!”
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella’s on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, ” So, what do you guys call yours?”
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because Quality is Job One.” Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford, lately?” The guy next to him then says, “I call mine CHEVY … Like A Rock!” And gives a wink.
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, “The name of my реnis is SECRET. Now give me a вееr.”
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a вееr, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why Secret?”
The cowboy says, “Because it’s STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN !!
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A cowboy finds himself captured by a tribe of Native Americans…
Anywhooo, the Natives tell the cowboy since he is their enemy they must put him to death. But, as is their custom, they won’t do so until he has spent 3 nights in their camp and each night, they shall grant him a wish.
As the first day, he says “I wish to speak to my horse again”. They say fine and he goes and whispers something to the horse. The horse takes off running. A few hours later, the horse returns with a beautiful nакеd blonde woman. The cowboy takes the woman into the woods and makes love to her all night.
The 2nd day, he says “I wish to speak to my horse.” They say fine and he goes and whispers something to the horse. The horse takes off running. A few hours later, the horse returns with a beautiful nакеd brunette woman. The cowboy takes the woman into the woods and makes love to her all night.
The 3rd day, the Native’s tell him… “this is your last night alive, choose your wish wisely”
He replies…”Okay, I’d like to speak to my horse again.”
He goes over to his horse, but he is so fired up, he can’t whisper anymore and he screams at his horse “Dамn it….I’m saying Posse!!!!!”
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A redneck is hiking through the woods with two Native Americans. They happen across a cave. one of the Natives yells, "Whoop! Whoop!"
Another voice calls from the cave. "Whoop! Whoop!"
The man strips nакеd and runs into the cave.
"What was all that about?" The redneck asks.
The other Native explains, "It's our mating ritual. A woman who is ready to mate will wait in a cave. If we come across a cave, we yell inside. If we hear a call back, we know we can go in and mate with her."
A few minutes later, they come across another cave. "Whoop! Whoop!"
"Whoop! Whoop!"
Without hesitation, the second Native took off his clothes and ran inside.
All alone, the redneck continued on his way. Eventually, he came across a very large cave. *There must be a large, beautiful woman in here!* He thought. "Whoop! Whoop!"
"Whoooop! Whooooop!"
*Wow, she's got a voice. Sounds like she's larger and beautifuler than I imagined!* He strips off his clothes and runs into the cave.
\--- The next day, the headline in the newspaper read:
Naked redneck run over by train.
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It was October and the Native Americans on a remote reservation...
Asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught he old secrets.
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "We're sure it's going to be cold because the Native Americans are collecting firewood like crazy!"
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A legend of the Native Americans
While many people know of Sequoya, the Native American genius who developed the Cherokee alphabet, fewer have heard of another visionary – yet he made a discovery no less groundbreaking, owing nothing to the white man’s knowledge.
It fell out like this: In the early 1800s, a certain chief, renowned among his people for his wise leadership, skilful hunting and (when necessary) prowess in battle, went to his medicine man with a highly personal problem: Despite many years of marriage and three beautiful wives, the chief had no children to follow after him, and he had no idea why. The medicine man, after lengthy research, told him what the matter was. According to custom and tradition, the chief should have presented each of his wives with a rare and precious animal skin to lie upon when they were seeking to make a baby, and because he had omitted to do this, the wrathful spirits had closed the wombs of all three. After so many years, the chief would need to resort to heroic measures to appease the spirits – yet, said the medicine man, to such a great chief this should be well within his compass.
The task, he was told, was to journey further than any chief of legend, and find three animals that no red man had ever seen or imagined, and return with their hides to present to his wives. Then, and only then, would the spirits be satisfied. Accordingly, the chief prepared himself a great canoe and loaded it with supplies of all kind ready for the great journey; and one fine day he set off into the western ocean, not knowing where he was bound.
After a long voyage, the chief found himself in a land of arid deserts where black men threw strange sticks for weapons, and hunted a strange animal like a deer that went in great bounds upon its hind legs. Learning that this was a *kangaroo*, the chief hunted one, killed it, skinned it, and put the hide in his canoe.
Journeying on, the chief came to another land of brown men and tall grasses where there roamed a mighty creature far exceeding in size and power the mountain lion of his homeland, decked in a coat of orange and black. Learning that this was a *tiger*, the chief hunted one, killed it, skinned it, and put the hide in his canoe.
Finally, in a land of rivers and swamps, the chief learned of a monstrous grey terror with a maw as large as a tepee, with tusks that could rend a man limb from limb, and that this creature was a *hippopotamus*. Therefore he hunted one, killed it, skinned it, and put the hide in his canoe.
Returning home, the chief presented each of his wives with one of the wondrous hides, and the spirits were at last appeased, and within the year the chief was the proud father of four strong babies. The squaw who received the kangaroo skin bore a maiden as beautiful as the first dawn of Spring, the squaw who received the tiger skin bore a son as splendid as the tallest tree in the forest, while the third squaw bore twins, each as admirable as their brother and sister.
History has shamefully lost the name of this pioneer, who by his magnificent deeds unlocked a great secret for his people: that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.
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