Skip to main content
Three friends die and go to heaven...
And meet God at the gate. God tells them that he will give them cars to drive into heaven, but first they have to tell him how many times they cheated on their wives, and they shouldn't bother lying because he has a big record book of every person's actions.
God turns to the first man and asks how many times he cheated on his wife, to which the man responds "twice." God flips through the big book, and sure enough, the man was telling the truth. "Since you were honest, you can get into heaven, but for cheating on your wife twice, you have to drive this 1996 Chevy Lumina for eternity," and he hands the man the keys.
God then looks at the next man and asks the same question. "I cheated on my wife 10 times," the next man replied nervously. God opened his big book, flipped through and saw that the man was telling the truth.
"For cheating on your wife 10 times, you will drive a rusty 1977 Ford Pinto for eternity" and hands the man the keys.
God then turns to the third man. "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"I never did."
God looks at the man skeptically and replies "You know if you lie to me, you will have to spend eternity in hеll. I'll give you one more chance to tell the truth. How many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"I didn't cheat on her, God, I was always faithful."
"Very well then." God said, and flipped to the man's name in his book.
God looks up at the man, surprised, and says "Well what do you know? You were telling the truth! Here's a Ferrari Enzo made of solid gold to drive forever! Now go enjoy heaven, my children."
They all start driving into heaven, but then the first two men see the golden Ferrari stopped at the gate. They go to see what the problem is, and the driver is crying in the front seat.
"You are in heaven and you get to drive a car made of solid gold until the end of time, what could possibly be wrong?"
"I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"
I'm driving from Santa Fe to Albuquerque when I see an American Indian lying on the road with his ear to the ground. Curious, I pull over, walk up to him and ask, "Excuse me, what are you doing?" He says,
"Silver 1991 Chevy station wagon, one man, one woman, two children". I say, "Wow, you can tell all that just by listening to the road?" He says,
"Heck no, they just ran me over".
A driver gets stopped by a cop.
Cop:
"I'm gonna have to give you an alcohol test, but I forgot to bring the рiss testers, so we'll just try something different."
Driver:
"Fine by me."
Cop:
"Imagine you're driving at night and you're seeing one headlight coming your way. What is that?"
Driver:
"Well, it's probably a motorcycle."
Cop:
"Be more specific! What sort of motorcycle? Is it a Harley, a Honda, a Yamaha..."
Driver:
"How would I know?"
Cop:
"Aha! You're looking pretty drunк to me. Let's be sure. You're driving at night and you're seeing two headlights coming your way. What is that?"
Driver:
"It's a car!"
Cop:
"Yes, but what kind? Is it a Chevy, a Nissan, a BMW..."
Driver:
"How the fuск would I know!? I think *you're* drunк! Let me give you that test. Imagine you're driving at night and you're seeing a half-nакеd woman standing by the roadside. What is that?"
Cop:
"Well, it's probably a hоокеr."
Driver:
"Yes, but which one? Your wife, your mother, your daughter..."
Bill's been looking forward to this hunting trip for months.
He shakes his wife awake at the asscrack of dawn and says,
"C'mon woman, less'go! We gotta get them guns packed into the Chevy," and she says,
"No, honey, I don't feel good, you go on without me," and he says,
"You summ'вiтсh, do you know how long I've been plannin' this gоddамn couples huntin' trip!? If you wanna stay home and sleep in all day, then you can pick one'a two options! One: I gets'ta to fuск you in the corncutter, two: I gets'ta fuск you in the mouth," and she sighs and says,
"Well, I'm *not* going on this hunting trip, and I'm *not* going to let you fuск me in the аss, so I guess I'll give you a вlоwjов," and he says,
"Well alrighty then, I'mma go get the dogs ready, you sit here 'n warm up yer jaw."
So he goes, gets the dogs ready, comes back into the bedroom and asks if she's ready to "chug on the pud" and she says,
"Whatever, fine, just pull it out," and he does, but before she goes full-throttle she gives the peehole a little taster-liск and goes-- "**BLECH**, oh my God, why does your diск taste like shiт!?" And he says,
"The dogs didn't wanna go huntin' neither."
Three old men die and go to heaven... And St. Peter explains to them that the lives they lived on earth will determine what kind of car they drive for eternity.
He looks to the first man and says "You were a top-notch citizen your entire life. You paid your taxes, showed up for work every day, never cheated on your wife and went to church every Sunday. Well done, sir. Here's the keys to your Rolls Royce."
He looks to the second and says "You were a decent bloke, more or less. Had a bit of a drinking problem, two-timed your wife at the company picnic, but you were there for your kids and you never went to jail. Here's the keys to your used Honda Civic."
He turns to the third man and says "You were a real piece of shiт. You sсrеwеd over every person you ever met, wasted every day of your life, lied and cheated with every breath and you were a burden on society and a disgrace to your family. Here's the keys to your shiттy 1981 Chevy Citation with an overheating tape deck."
The three old men get into their cars and pull out to the first intersection in heaven, and two of them notice the man in the Rolls Royce - his head is down on his steering wheel, and he's crying and moaning and consumed with grief. One man rolls his window down and says "Why are you so upset? You got the best car out of all of us!"
The man in the Rolls Royce says "I just saw my wife go by on roller skates."
An engineer and a scientist walk into a dive bar....
Smiling, happy, the engineer says,
"Bartender, shots for everyone!"
The bartender leans in, confused, "I can tell you're not from around here. Are you sure you want to buy these people drinks?"
The scientist retorts with, "Make 'em doubles!"
The bartender deploys the drinks to everyone around the smoky bar, the newcomers raise their glasses, and everyone drinks.
The scientist and the engineer then pay their substantial tab, leave a generous tip, and pull away in a Tesla. Naturally, everyone is a bit confused about what just happened, but before long everyone gets back to NASCAR, NFL, Fox, country music, cigarettes, cheap вееr, Trump, and arguing about Ford versus Chevy.
While the engineer sets the car to autopilot, the scientist pulls up this very joke, half composed, on his iPad, and with furrowed brow says,
"We still need a punch line."
The engineer nods in affirmation, and says,
"Look in the rear view mirror."
He looks. The small dive bar recedes into the darkness as the Tesla picks up speed, rapidly and silently.
"They don't even remember us. We worked our аssеs off, moved away to the city, competed with the brightest kids from around the globe, earned advanced degrees, and now we challenge global warming by designing advanced battery systems for electric cars. We have made a fortune along the way. I am 28. You are 29. Those townies will live and die back there. By choice. 14 mile per gallon trucks. Shiт вееr. Staying, sitting, stewing, and waiting for progress to come to them.
"There's your f-ing punch line."
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a plain white Chevy advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a rather stiff man in a suit and tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a Dole wannabe, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered "sure".
The guy parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says,
"You have exactly 1586 sheep. "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says:
"If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?", "OK, why not." answered the man. "Clearly, you are a government employee." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the man "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know сrар about my business...... Now give me back my dog."
A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store.
The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.” Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.” His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid says “One”.
The boss says “Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?” The kid says “$165,000”.
The boss says “$165,000? What the heck did you sell?” The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold hi m a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Ford Pinto would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that Chevy 4 wheel drive.” The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?” The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’ ”