Dad Jokes - Page 9

“Dad, can you write in the dark?”
“I think so. What is it you want me to write?”
“Your name on this report card.”

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A little girl asks her Mom, "May I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom says, "No honey, the dog is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your Father.
I think he's in the garage".
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and said I should ask you".
Her Dad said, "Bring Susie over here".
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block".
The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Her Dad asks, "Where's Susie?"
The girl replies, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block -and there's another dog pushing her home!

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Animal Jokes Dad Jokes Dog jokes

White people are always annoyed that only black people can say the n word, but white people have some phrases only they can say too
Things like “Hi Dad!” and “Thanks for the warning, officer.”

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Black People Jokes White people jokes Dad Jokes

Mrs Laura a kindergarten teacher asked her class "what things we can eat?"
"Bread"
"Yes"
"Hamburger"
"Ok"
A five years girl answered "Light",
"Омg" shouted the teacher, "how can light be eaten?"
"Last night I heared mom whispering to dad 'turn the light off and put it in my mouth'".

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School Jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Dad Jokes Communication Jokes

My dear old dad always said he had two big disappointments in life: the dog ran away and I didn't.

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Parent Jokes Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Dad Jokes Dog jokes

Little Johnny's dad was constantly bragging about him to everyone. He was always telling everyone he met how his little Johnny did this, little Johnny did that, and little Johnny was the best kid ever.
One day little Johnny's dad was outside leaning on the fence talking to his next door neighbor. As usual it was "little Johnny did this, little Johnny did that, little Johnny's the best kid ever."
Just then the school bus pulled up and little Johnny himself got off the bus. His dad was elated. He turned back to the neighbor and said, "There's my little Johnny now! Isn't he the best kid ever? I'll ask him how his day went." So when little Johnny walked by on his way into the house his dad said;
"So little Johnny, how was school today?" "Oh school was great today dad! I had SЕX in school today!" Then little Johnny went on into the house. His dad turned to his neighbor and said ever so proudly, "That's my little Johnny, he had SЕX in school today! What a kid!"
Next day little Johnny's dad was back at the fence again talking to the next door neighbor as the bus pulled up again. As little Johnny was getting off the bus, his dad turned to the neighbor and said "There's my little Johnny, what a boy! Watch this, I'll ask him if he had SЕX in school again today!" As little Johnny walked by on his way into the house his dad called out to him "Hey little Johnny, did you have SЕX in school again today?" "Oh no dad, my вuтт's still sore from yesterday!"

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Sex Jokes School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes

Dad shouts: "Stop watching роrn, I can hear it in my room!"
Son: "Dad.. I'm not watching роrn, that is Maria Sharapova playing Tennis!"

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Sports Jokes Sex Jokes Dad Jokes

Dad, what happens if a соndом tear?
Look at yourself...

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Sex Jokes Dad Jokes

A female school teacher comes up to a parent at a parent meeting and says, "You know, your son called me a рrоsтiтuте!"
Dad calls up his son and says:
"So this teacher teaches you, helps you, wants you to get good grades and for all that you call her a рrоsтiтuте?? what do you care about what she does after work?"

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Prostitute Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Dad Jokes

"Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please?"
"Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet, I remember looking for it when I was a boy!"

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School Jokes Dad Jokes

Jimmy was staring at a dog in the park whilst the dog was licking himself in inappropriate parts and said to his dad, "I wish I could do that."
Jimmy's dad looked down at Jimmy and said, "Maybe if you ask the dog nicely, he might let you!"

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Pet Jokes Dirty jokes Dad Jokes Dog jokes

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'm gonna go play in my room for a couple of hours.
I sure would like a piece of cake after though!
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Wow!, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"

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Little Johnny Jokes Office and Work Jokes Dad Jokes

Dad: Hey son want to hear a joke?
Son: Yeah!
Dad: Рussy.
Son: I dont get it.
Dad: Exactly...

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Men vs Women Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes

"Dad, your Father's Day gift is another year of not having to pay for my wedding. "

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Kids Jokes Money jokes Make My Day Laughs Wedding jokes Father's Day Jokes Dad Jokes

December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas.
Some insist on a shirt.
Others insist on a pair of socks.
The argument always ends in a tie.

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Christmas Jokes Kids Jokes One-Liner Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Dad Jokes

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father:
"Dad, how many kinds of воовs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers:
"Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her вrеаsтs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."
"Onions?" the son asks.
"Yes. You see them and they make you cry."
This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks:
"Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?"
The mother smiles and says,
"Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his реnis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks.
"Yes: Dead from the root up, and the ваlls are just for decoration.”

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Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Christmas Jokes Dad Jokes Boob Jokes

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan
But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
Edit: *Alleged* contribution of $1 million. Also, thank you kind gilder

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Donald Trump Jokes Dad Jokes Banker Jokes American Presidents Humor

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
Edit: wow this blew up!
Thanks for the gold!!!

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Dad Jokes

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

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Dad Jokes

Man comes home to find his 17 yr old daughter with a dildо up her.
"What are you doing," he shouts.
"Well you won't let me have a boyfriend so this is my substitute," she explains.
The next night the daughter comes home to find her dad with a dildо up his arse
drinking a can of вееr, "What are you doing," she shouts.
He replays, "Having a вееr with your boyfriend."

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Dirty jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes Beer Jokes