Dating Jokes

Newest jokes in this category

Here’s a tip for you:
When you start going out with someone, just after they go to sleep at night, put a nicotine patch on their arm. Then, just before they wake up in the morning, take it off again.
This way, if they ever leave you, they’ll get withdrawal symptoms, think it’s love, and come back.

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Dating Jokes

What’s the best way to cure erectile dysfunction?
Get yourself a hotter girlfriend.

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Dating Jokes

I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.

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Dating Jokes

My ex-girlfriend often told me to stop being so competitive.
Like I was ever going to let her come first.

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Dating Jokes

Yesterday I was introduced to a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger…. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

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Dating Jokes

I’ve been playing online poker for about a year now. Last night my girlfriend told me it’s either poker or her.
I think she’s bluffing.

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Dating Jokes

I recently broke up with a girl. She wasn’t very happy about this and to show how sad she was she wrote this as her Facebook status:
“What’s Mickey without Minnie, What’s Tigger without Pooh, What’s Patrick without Spongebob, What’s me without U???”
So I commented:
“That would make you a Fcking Stpid Dmped Cnt”

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Facebook Jokes Dating Jokes

I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don’t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc’d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.

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Dating Jokes

I told my boyfriend we could watch a роrn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…
He was super psyched, until I fuскеd the pizza guy.

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Dating Jokes

My girlfriend left me for a мidgет the other day.
This broke my heart - I couldn’t believe she would stoop so low.

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Dating Jokes

Calvin Klein Suit: £1200
Bouquet of Flowers: £40
Candle lit Dinner for 2: £100
Moonlight Serenade: £300
Deluxe Suite in the Hilton: £200
The look on her face as I whip out my 2 inch соск: Priceless

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Dating Jokes

Ted buys a harley. The seller tells him, “whenever it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome so it won’t rust.”
Tht night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents dey take the bike. But just before they go in, She says: Wen we eat, we don’t talk cuz d 1st person who says anyth has to do the dishes.”k”, he says. Dey sit down & no one says a word.
As dinner goes on, Ted decides to test d situation,he reaches over & grabs her воов. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, & screws her right there, But no 1 says a word. Then he grabs the mom n fcuks her too But still, Total silence. All of a sudden it starts to rain. Ted remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket… Suddenly the father shouts:
“I’ll DO the FUСКIN’ dishes!
Via Shiromi

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Dating Jokes

“Did you know that making a girl laugh is the second best way to get a girl into bed?” I asked my date.
“Really?” she asked. “What’s the first?”
“A big fсuкing knife!” I replied.
“Ha-ha, you’re funny,” she said.
“Well done, you’ve made a sensible choice.”

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Dating Jokes

This girl was riding in a car with her boyfriend. She got bored and said, “Every time you speed up 5MPH, I’ll take some clothes off.”
Well, this went on for about 15 minutes until she was nакеd and he was going about 95MPH. They lost control of the car and crashed into a tree.
The guy was hurt pretty badly and his car door was crushed to the point where he couldn’t open it. His nакеd girlfriend was fine and could get out of the car.
So, she took her boyfriend’s shoe and put it in front of her веаvеr and covered her chest with her arm. She flagged down a car. Without thinking she said, “HELP MY BOYFRIEND IS STUCK AND HE CAN’T GET OUT!!”
The guy in the car looked at the shoe on her crotch and his eyes got really big. He said, “If he is that far in, he’s not coming out!”

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Dating Jokes

I paid £80.00 to an Еsсоrт who said she offered the “full girlfriend experience” …… I got ruввish hand-job and we’re going to her mums on Sunday.

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Dating Jokes

I brought a bunch of flowers for my first date with a vegan.
“That’s really sweet,” she said.
“Well I didn’t know what you vegans ate.”

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Dating Jokes Vegan and Vegetarian Jokes

How did your evening with your new boyfriend go?”
“It was a disaster! We were nudе in bed in heavy foreplay and he had a premature еjасulатiоn.”
“What did he say when it occurred?”
“He just said I was the loveliest girl he had ever come across.”

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Dating Jokes

Pierre, a french fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It`s a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says, “Pierre, kiss me!”
So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie`s lips.
“What are you doing, Pierre?” shrieks Marie.
“Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!” His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up.
So she says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.”
Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her t*ts.
“Pierre, what are you doing?”
“My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!” They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear, “Pierre, kiss me lower.”
Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her bush. He grabs a match and lights it on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, “PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?”
“My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!”

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Wine jokes Dating Jokes

My girlfriend told me if she could ever have a superpower she would choose to make herself invisible. She asked me what I’d choose.
I said, “Yeah that sounds cool, I’d probably make you invisible too.”

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Dating Jokes

For my appearance on the dating show Blind Date, I decided to make my questions a little more difficult because I was tired of the stereotypical dumb вiмвоs you always find on the show.
Me:
“To all 3 girls, what is Pi to 5 decimal places?”
Girl 1:
“Oh, I dont like pie, sorry.”
Girl 2:
“I dont know, but I have 34DD’s, and if you pick me, maybe I’ll let you eat my pie big boy”
Girl 3:
“That’s too easy. Pi to 10 decimal places is 3.1415926536, and it is most commonly used to calculate the circumference of circles and spheres”
Me:
“At last! A girl on here with half a brain cell!”
Cilla Black:
“So which girl are you going for?”
“Girl 2 please Cilla.”

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Dating Jokes