God Jokes

Newest jokes in this category
Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?
ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.
The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.
The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hеll. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hеll also.
Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
The Christian Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "вrеаsт," "sеx," and contraception."
Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Таrт filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.
IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!
Technology Jokes God Jokes Animal Jokes Sex Jokes Christian Jokes
Мајка и син A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy’s mind, sat him and said: “God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white.” To which the child responded, “Well, then is God Michael... Klein Evi geht zu der Mutter und fragt: "Du Mami, ist Gott schwarz oder weiss?" Sagt die Mutter: "Gott ist schwarz und weiss!" Am nächsten Tag geht klein Evi wieder zu der Mutter und fragt: "Ist... - Pappa, er Gud mann eller kvinne, spurte guttungen. - Begge deler. - Er han svart eller hvit? - Begge deler. Gutten tenkte seg om før han spør: - Er det Michael Jackson? Joãozinho pergunta à seu pai: — Pai, Deus é branco ou negro? O pai responde: — Ele é os 2, filho. — Ele é homem ou mulher? — Ele é os 2, filho. — Pai, Deus gosta de crianças? — Gosta filho, claro... Pikku-Kalle kysyi äidiltään: Onko Jumala mies vai nainen? Jumala on molemmat, vastasi äiti. Onko Jumala musta vai valkoinen? Jumala on molemmat, vastasi äiti hetken mietittyään. Onko Jumala homo... En lille dreng spørger sin far... - Far, er Gud en mand eller en kvinde? - Begge dele min dreng. - Far, er Gud sort eller hvid? - Begge dele min søn, begge dele. - Far, er Michael Jackson Gud?
Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Jokes about Women God Jokes Men jokes
Kommt der Erzengel zu Adam und sagt: Бог дал на мъжете мозък и пенис, но кръвта е само толкова, че по едно и също време може да се използва само единият орган. Dios llama a Adán y le dice: Един ден Господ отишъл при Адам и му казал: God said to Adam, "I’ve got some good news and some bad news. God gave man his penis and his brain but blood only enough to work one another at a time. Dieu dit à Adam, "J'ai une bonne et une mauvaise nouvelle pour toi Adam, laquelle veux-tu connaître en premier ?" Adam dit, "Dites-moi la bonne d'abord." Dieu dit, "Je vais te donner un pénis et un... Dios le dice a Adán: - Debo darte dos noticias, una buena y la otra mala. - Primero la buena, señor! –dice Adán - Te daré dos regalos: un cerebro y un pene. - Genial! Y la mala? - No puedes... Den ena tjejen till den andra: - Gud utrustade mannen med hjärna och snopp, men utan tillräckligt med blod för att hålla bägge igång samtidigt. Um dia, no Paraíso, Deus chegou para Adão e falou: — Adão, eu tenho boas e más notícias para você, meu filho. Quais você quer ouvir primeiro? — As boas notícias, senhor — responde Adão. Deus sorri... Intr-o zi, Dumnezeu il cheama pe Adam si-i spune: - Am sa-ti dau doua vesti: una buna si una rea. Cu care sa incep? - Pai, spune-o pe aia buna, zice Adam. - Am doua organe noi pentru tine, spune... Isten így szól Ádámhoz : - Van egy jó és egy rossz hírem Számodra. - Előbb a jót mond - feleli Ádám. - Kapsz tőlem két ajándékot: agyat és Farkat. - Remek, és mi a rossz hír? - Nincs elég véred... Ο Θεός έδωσε στον άντρα εγκέφαλο και γενετικά όργανα, αλλά όχι αρκετό αίμα για να τροφοδοτήσει και τα δύο ταυτόχρονα. Stworzyciel przygląda się nie ukończonemu jeszcze w pełni Adamowi i mówi do niego: - "Adamie: mam dla ciebie dwie wiadomości jedną dobrą drugą złą. Dobra wiadomość jest taka, że zamierzam cię...
Men vs Women Jokes Religion jokes News and Politics Jokes God Jokes
God Jokes Priest Jokes
Schönheits OPs Αγνώριστη Лежи една жена в реанимацията, почти умира… Внезапно чува глас небесен: A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was immediately transported to the hospital. Eine mittelalte Frau hatte einen Herzanfall und wurde zum Spital gebracht. Wie sie am Operationstisch lag, hatte sie eine "Todesnahe Erfahrung". Sie sieht Gott und fragt ihn: "Ist mein Leben aus?" Gott sagt: "Nein, du hast noch 43 Jahre, 2 Monate und 8 Tage zum Leben." Nach der Herzoperation... Uma mulher foi levada às pressas para a UTI de um Hospital. Lá chegando, teve uma experiência de quase-morte. E, neste estado, encontrou-se com Deus: - — O que é isso? — perguntou ao Criador. — Eu morri? — Não, pelos meus cálculos, você morrerá daqui a 43 anos, 8 meses, 9 dias e 16 horas —... Een vrouw van 46 krijgt een hartaanval en ligt in het hospitaal. Terwijl ze op de operatietafel ligt, dichtbij de dood, krijgt ze een visioen. Ze ziet God en vraagt: "is mijn uur gekomen?" God... Kadının biri çok sağlıklıyken birgün kalp krizi geçirir ve acilen ameliyata alırlar ameliyat esnasında rüya görür ve rüyasında şeytanı görür ve şeytana sorar: - kaç yıllık ömrüm kaldı. diye... C'est une vieille dame de 75 ans qui a une vision une nuit, elle voit Dieu et lui parle. Elle lui demande : "Combien de temps me reste-t-il à vivre?" Dieu lui répond: "Il te reste encore 35 ans à... A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, 'No you have... In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she... Llevan a Emily de emergencia al hospital pues ha sufrido un paro cardíaco. La llevan de inmediato al quirófano, y en medio de la operación, Emily tiene una experiencia de ultratumba. Se ve así... Una mujer de 27 años, estaba en una clínica, había caído en coma y 15 días después murió. Nadie en la clínica se había dado cuenta ya que había fallecido repentinamente. La mujer en el cielo habló... Unei babe ii apare Dumnezeu in vis si ii spune ca o sa mai traiasca 35 de ani. A doua zi baba merge la o clinica de chirurgie estetica si isi face lifting facial, isi pune silicoane si se vopseste... Był sobie facet bardzo brzydki, ale uczciwy. Żył bardzo bogobojnie, ale cierpiał z powodu brzydoty. Kiedy był już w średnim wieku, nagle wpadł na pomysł, żeby zrobić sobie operację plastyczną.... Una giovane donna si ammala e deve essere sottoposta ad un difficile intervento chirurgico. Durante l'operazione vede Dio e gli chiede: "Morirò?" Dio la tranquillizza: "Non ti preoccupare, ti... Una donna di 70 anni va in paradiso e Dio gli dice: "Facciamo così... Ti rimando indietro di 35 anni così hai ancora degli anni a disposizione" La donna ringrazia il Signore e torna sulla terra....
God Jokes
God Jokes
God Jokes Priest Jokes
A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere she went. She would even take the parrot to the club with her when she went dancing and drinking on Saturday nights.
Whenever the woman went onto the dance floor, the parrot would yell, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water-let the muthafukkah burn! Burn, muthafukkah, burn!"
The crowd on the dance floor would always cheer and holler in appreciation when the parrot would yell. This would make the parrot yell even more and of course make the crowd go wild. This would go on all night long, every time the parrot went out.
One Sunday morning the woman took the parrot to church and into the choir section with her, and when the choir started to sing, the parrot yelled, ''The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water-let the muthafukkah burn! Burn, muthafukkah, burn!''
She was horrified and corrected the parrot, "No, you don't say that here!"
The parrot looked around and asked, "Why not? These are the same muthafukkahs that was at the club last night!"
God Jokes
Пристигнал папата на посещение в София и се качил на едно такси за да разгледа забележителностите. Папата шофер Ο Πάπας Der Papst reist im Auto durch die menschenleere Einöde Kanadas. De paus gaat op bezoek in scherpenheuvel voor een zaligverklaring. De vaste pausmobielchauffeur Giovanni van de paus zegt: "Hoogheid Belgie ligt niet zover van Rome als we nu eens met de... Папата отлетял към Ню Йорк за конференция. Събудил се сутринта в хотела и видял, че закъснява. Облякъл се набързо, спрял едно такси и казал на шофьора: Η Φεράρι έκανε δώρο στον Πάπα το καλύτερό της μοντέλο. Την άλλη μέρα, ο οδηγός μπροστά, ο Πάπας πίσω βγαίνουν για βόλτα στην εθνική Le pape vient juste de terminer sa visite de Paris en papamobile. Il est sur le point de monter dans une limousine pour aller à Roissy; et soudain pris d'une envie de conduire une Safrane irrépressible, il demande au chauffeur de monter à l'arrière,... Papa makam otosuyla Roma’da dolaşmaktadır. Bir süre sonra canı sıkılır ve şoför’e durmasını söyler. Şoför’ü arkaya geçirir ve arabayı kendisi kullanmaya başlar. Araç kullanmanın zevkine varınca... O papa veio ao Brasil e um motorista numa Mercedes apanhou-o para levá-lo a São Paulo. Andava devagar e o papa pediu que corresse mais, porém ele disse que não podia, pois havia guardas na estrada.... While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's... Der Papst unternimmt wieder einmal eine seiner Reisen, diesmal nach Südamerika. In einem der dortigen Länder müssen die Wege zwischen den einzelnen Reisestationen mit dem Auto zurückgelegt werden.... En el Vaticano el Papa estaba súper aburrido, entonces no encuentra nada mejor que llamar a su chofer para salir a recorrer las calles de roma, pero el chofer conducía tan lento que el Papa más... Na última viagem do Papa ao EUA, durante a viagem de avião, ele bebeu muito vinho. Ao descer do avião já disse para seu motorista que iria dirigir e o motorista deixou. O Papa que estava para lá de... Le pape arrive à l'aéroport de Roissy où l'état a mis à sa disposition une limousine. Or le pape est un FAN d'automobile. Il supplie le chauffeur de lui laisser prendre le volant. Après quelques... A pápa elhatározza, hogy inkognitóban bemegy Rómába. Beül a sötétített ablakú limuzinba, és megmondja a sofőrnek, hogy irány a város! A sofőr azonban baromira be van rezelve, mert még sosem vitte a... Cica a venit papa in Romania. Si mergea el cu masina condusa de sofer si cum nu-i placea felul in care conducea masina ii spune sa se dea la o parte ca sa conduca papa. Incepe papa si baga viteza... Dopo aver caricato tutti i bagagli del Papa nella limousine, l'autista nota che Sua Santità sta ancora aspettando sul marciapiede e l'autista al Papa: - "Mi scusi, Santità vorrebbe per favore... Popiežius vėlavo atskristi į svarbų susitikimą. Kai nusileido, jis prašė vairuotoją važiuoti greičiau, kad suspėtų. Vairuotojas padidino greitį, tačiau popiežiui atrodė, kad jie vis dar važiuoja... Der Papst wird von seinem Chauffeur umhergefahren. Dem Papst wird langweilig, also bittet er seinen Chauffeur, ob er mit ihm mal die Plätze tauschen kann. Der Papst meint, er liebe es Autos zu...
The Pope goes to New York.
He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?'' The driver is understandably hesistant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.'' But the pope persists, ''Please?'' The driver finally lets up. ''Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the pope.'' So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief. Cop: ''Chief, I have a problem.'' Chief: ''What sort of problem?'' Cop: ''Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.'' Chief: ''Important like the mayor?'' Cop: ''No, no, much more important than that.'' Chief: ''Important like the governor?'' Cop: ''Wayyyyyy more important than that.'' Chief: ''Like the president?'' Cop: ''More.'' Chief: ''Who's more important than the president?'' Cop: ''I don't know, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!''
God Jokes Aviation Jokes Boss Jokes