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God - Page 17
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Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled:
"Do you need help, sir?"
The preacher calmly said
"No, God will save me."
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked,
"Hey, do you need help?"
The preacher replied again,
"No God will save me."
Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God,
"Why didn't you save me?"
God replied,
"Fool, I sent you two boats!"
One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vаginа. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vаginа!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vаginа. The doctor said "Okay, what I'm going to do is rub some honey over the tip of my реnis and insert it into your wife's vаginа. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my реnis, I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my реnis out of your wife's vаginа. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The lady said, "Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his реnis with honey, entered the woman. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should try further." The lady began to quiver with excitement, moaning aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. The husband became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the hеll do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the ваsтаrd!"
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:
"Is Неll exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Неll is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Неll and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Неll, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Неll, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Неll. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Неll. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Неll to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Неll because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Неll to stay the same, the volume of Неll has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
1) If Неll is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Неll, then the temperature and pressure in Неll will increase until all Неll breaks loose.
2) Of course, if Неll is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Неll, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Неll freezes over.
So which is it ? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year that "It will be a cold night in Неll before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sеxuаl relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Неll is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
Remarks Never Heard at Daytona 500:
- None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth.
- Tampax! Get your Tampax here!
- Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race!
- Sеx with your sister? Man, that's sick.
- My God, this is a splendid Merlot.
- Hey, you with the large вrеаsтs, out of the way. We're trying to watch a race here.
- Jeeves, be a good man and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my attach case. Then fetch me some clotted cream for my scone.
- What a coincidence, Hank, all my friends are boycotting Ноотеrs, too.
- These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert.
- Good morning, Mr. Trickle. We at 'Depends' understand you're looking for a new corporate sponsor.
- Filling in for Dale 'The Intimidator' Earnhardt today is substitute driver, Michael 'Lord of the Dance' Flatley.
- And now, singing our national anthem, international recording artist Boy George.
Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?
ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.
The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.
The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hеll. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hеll also.
Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
The Christian Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "вrеаsт," "sеx," and contraception."
Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Таrт filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.
IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!
Who Is God?
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both, son, God is both."
After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both, son, both."
"Daddy, does God love children?"
"Yes, son, he loves all children."
The child returns a few minutes later and asks, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"