God - Page 47

I wont ever Forget my dads last words: “OH GOD THE POLICE!!!”

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My coworker who believes Jesus Сhrisт was the immaculately conceived son of God who rose from the dead can't believe it's Monday already.

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God Jokes Christian Jokes

Hey God what are you making?
Just a wooden stick that lights on fire sounds like a match made in heaven

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God Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes

Teacher: Can you touch God?
Student: No.
Teacher: Can you see God?
Student: No.
Teacher: Then there isn't a God!
Student: Can you touch your brain?
Teacher: No.
Student: Can you see your brain?
Teacher: No.
Student: Ooh, okaaay, then you don't HAVE a brain!

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Insult Jokes God Jokes

And God said unto the chicken,"Thou shalt cross the road."

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God Jokes Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road Jokes Animal Jokes

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
“Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”
I can’t jump out the window!” came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. “It’s raining out there!”
“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll кill us both!” she replied.
“He’s got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!”
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon.
He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.
Being nакеd, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could.
It wasn’t that effective!
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
“Do you always run in the nudе?” one asked.
“Oh yes” he replied, gasping in air. “It feels so wonderfully free having the air вlоw over all your skin while you’re running.”
Another runner moved alongside. “Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?”
“Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. “Do you always wear a соndом when you run?”
“Only if it’s raining.”

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Friendship Jokes Cheating Jokes

A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.
Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She’s also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, “My God, you saved my life!”
He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!
Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They’ve set up a hut, there’s fruit on the trees, and they’re in heaven. Cindy’s fallen madly in love with our man, and they’re making passionate love morning, noon and night.
Alas, one day she notices he’s looking kind of glum. “What’s the matter, sweetheart?” she asks, “We have a wonderful life together, I’m in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?”
He says, “Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?”
“Sure,” she says, “if it will help.” He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.
“Now would you put on my pants?” he asks.
“Sure, honey, if it’s really going to make you feel better,” she says.
“Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?” he asks.
“Whatever you want, sweetie,” she says, and does.
Then he says, “Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?”
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, “Dude! You’ll never believe who I’m sleeping with!”

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Jokes about Women God Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Single People Jokes

A girl asks her father, " Why does it rain? Is it God sweating or crying?"
" No," says her father, " it rains to make the plants grow. Do you understand?"
" Not exactly," says the girl. " Why does it rain on the sidewalk?"

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Religion jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes God Jokes

Backseat drivers are the worst. They’re always like “the light is red!” and “don’t text and drive!” and “oh god, I think that was a person!”

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God Jokes Criminal Jokes

I walked up to the counter in the chemist and just my luck there was a girl serving.
“Erm… Morning,” I said, “I need some erm… God, this is embarrassing…”
“Don’t you worry sir,” she leaned in and whispered reassuringly, “I get this every day!”
I smiled back.
“Condoms?” she said.
“No,” I said.
“Suppositories?” she said.
No, I said.
Tampons?
No.
Well, it can’t be that embarrassing then, sir, she said with a smile.
Paracetamol, I said.
Paracetamol? she gave me a puzzled look. $1.99 please. What’s so embarrassing?
Then I pulled out my little pink purse.

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God Jokes Stupid Jokes

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, веnт over nакеd, drying his legs and feet.
‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
‘For the love of god woman, don’t you ever stop?!’

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Jokes about Women News and Politics Jokes God Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Masturbation jokes

Two things they talk about in the Bible a lot is wine and sh*t that's hard to believe. I think the wine came first.

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God Jokes Wine jokes

A single woman on her period decides that she does not longer want to sit around at home and that it is time to hit the town for some drinks. Maybe she will meet that special someone tonight? She decides to go to the local bar.
As she sits at the bar by herself a very drunк gentleman approaches and starts to flirt with her. It is clear the man wants to have sеx with her. However, she really does not want to be with this guy as he is so blackout drunк and she is on her period. She just wants to enjoy the night out.
As the night continues, she also starts to get a little tipsy and finally decides to go home with this guy. “He is so drunк, he won’t notice that I am on my period.” she thought to herself.
As they arrive at the guy’s apartment they immediately “get down to business”. As soon as they are finished the guy falls asleep and starts to snore loudly. The woman, feeling a little bit of shame, decides to leave his apartment and goes back home.
The next morning the guy wakes up in his bed. He tries to remember what happened the night before. He vaguely remembers picking up a chick and brining her home with him. “Alright!” he thinks and looks to the other side of the bed. The woman was not there anymore. However, he suddenly notices that the whole bed is covered in blood.
He jumps up from the bed in horror. “Oh my god…. Oh my god…. Did I кill this poor women while I was blackout drunк?”. He starts to panic and paces around like a madman in his apartment. “How did I кill her? Where is the body?”
He runs into the kitchen to check his knifes and cleavers. All of them were clean. “ So I did not stab her or chop her up…” he thought to himself.
Then he runs to his gun cabinet to see if he used any of the guns and ammo. “I also did not shoot her…” he said to himself.
Panic rising more and more in his chest, he also looks into his toolbox to see If he might have used one of his hammers to кill her. “No, none of my tools were used” he whispered.
Desperate on finding out how he killed this poor woman he slouched into the bathroom to freshen up a little. He lifts his head to look at himself in the mirror. Then he says:
“Shiт, I ate her.”

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Jokes about Women God Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Single People Jokes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:
- ” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
Watson said,
"I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes:
"And what does that tell you?"
Watson:
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes:
"Somebody stole our tent."

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God Jokes Sherlock Holmes Jokes

A man in Mumbai saw an ad for a ‘Gynae’s Assistant’. He went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, “The job entails getting the ladies ready for the Gynaecologist. You’ve to help lady out of their раnтy, lay them down and carefully wash their private parts, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their рuвiс hair. Afterwards, you rub in soothing oils so she is ready for the Gynecologist’s examination. The annual salary is Rs.10 Lacs. If you’re Interested you’ll have to go to Lonavala, 100 Kms from here.”
“My God, is that where the JOB is?”
“No Sir, that’s where the End of the QUEUE of CANDIDATES is!”

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God Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes Gynecology Jokes

A man was granted two wishes by God.
He asked for the best drink and the best woman ever.
He got mineral water and Mother Teresa.

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Jokes about Women God Jokes Men jokes Stupid Jokes

*Puts down phone* OH MY GOD I HAVE ANOTHER HAND!

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God Jokes Programmer Jokes

That's just what we need because humans haven't made up enough reasons to hate one another. Along with race, nationality, gender, sеxuаl preference, religious or cultural differences -- now, if you're born in June, you're a рriск.

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Religion jokes Nationality Jokes God Jokes

A policeman knocked on my door in the early hours.
“Oh my God, what is it? My daughter is late home. Oh God, no. Please, no.”
He said, “I’m sorry sir, there’s been a terrible accident.”
Sobbing, I asked, “What is it?”
“We’ve knocked on the wrong door.”

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God Jokes Police Officer Jokes Masturbation jokes

This dude goes to a Halloween costume party wearing only blue jeans; no shirt or shoes.
The host asks him, “What are you supposed to be?”
The guy says, “I’m a premature еjасulатiоn.”
“How in God’s name are you dressed as that?!”
“Because I just came in my pants.”

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God Jokes Halloween Jokes