Gross jokes, Disgusting jokes

As she lay there dozing next to me a voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients."
But another voice kept saying, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."

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Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, вlоwjов?
A: The вlоwjов.
You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a вlоwjов.

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Dirty jokes Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.
Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"

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Gross Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

I was having a shiт in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door.
He said, "Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now" I shouted, "I'm having a shiт!"
He said, "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"
"No problem," I said, sliding it under. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn."

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Gross Jokes

An old married couple were having sеx and the wife says, "Baby, suск my niррlеs!"
The man dies; autopsy said, "Reason for death: Expired Milk"

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Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

A drunк sitting at a bar observes a very snobby woman participating in a wine tasting contest.
She was very good at identifying the wine.
At the first taste she says: "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1998" and all the people were amazed.
At the 2nd try she answers "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1953" and they were once again amazed.
Then the drunк рissеs in a glass and hands it to her.
She tries it and says "Yak, this tastes like рiss!"
And the drunк says, "Yeah, but what year was I born?"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Jokes about Women Gross Jokes Wine jokes

A young priest is unhappy with how little money his congregation contributes every week to the collection plate.
So decides to try a new tack and hypnotize them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch. Thus hypnotized, they all give the five bucks he asked them too. Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week. Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each. The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch.
"S**t!" It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.

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Office and Work Jokes Gross Jokes Money jokes God Jokes Priest Jokes Church jokes Priest Jokes

Your fаrт was so loud that astronauts in space mistook it for a message from Houston!

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Gross Jokes Fart Jokes

There was an old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out. The old woman stripped nакеd, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string. Her husband yelled, "You can't go out like that!"
She replied, "I can go out as whatever I want, and so can you!"
He agreed. He took off all his clothes and tied a string to his реnis with a potato at the end of the string.
His said, "You're going out as that?"
''Yes,'' said the old man. ''If you can go out as a sour-рuss, I can go out as a dictator."

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Gross Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Halloween Jokes Couple jokes

A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!"
Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table.
"There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

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Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Blue Collar Jokes Redneck jokes

Dan staggers into the shower. He notices that his d**k is bright orange. He feels normal, but he's concerned and goes to the doctor.
After a thorough examination, the doctor says, "You seem to be fine and all of the tests are normal. Did you do anything out of the ordinary over the weekend?"
Dan says, "No. All I did was stay home, watch роrnо movies and eat Cheetos."

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Gross Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Masturbation jokes Superhero Jokes

Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a реnis like a peanut!"
"What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?"
"No," says Johnny. "It's salty."

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Gross Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Dirty jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes

On a really hot day, a реnguin takes his car to a mechanic. The реnguin asks, "How long will it be?"
The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes." So the реnguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the реnguin gets there, he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream. Three hours go by before the реnguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the mechanic. With ice cream all over his face and his stomach, he asks, "So how's my car?"
The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
The реnguin says, "No, I was just eating ice cream."

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Gross Jokes Car and driving jokes Animal Jokes

An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked the man for a blood, urinе and feces sample.
The man was slightly deaf and said, "What?"
The doctor said, "I need a blood, urinе and feces sample."
The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear, "Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear."

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Gross Jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

An old couple is on a walk, when a рigеоn flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

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Gross Jokes Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Old People Jokes Couple jokes

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.
Suddenly out of the мisт, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, мisт, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o''-shanter at a rakish angle.
At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.
''''Right, you Jimmy,'''' he shouts, ''''Ah want you to маsтurвате!''''
''''But......'''' stammers the driver.
''''Du it now - or I''ll bluddy кill yu!''''
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to маsтurвате. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn''t take him long.
''''Right!'''' snarls the Highlander ''''Du it agin, now!''''
So the driver does it again. ''''Right laddie, du it agin!'''' demands the Highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, is violently aching, his sight is failing and despite the cold wind, he has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.
''''Du it again!'''' says the Highlander.
''''I can''t do it any more - you''ll just have to кill me!'''' whimpers the man.
The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside and says, ''''All right laddie. NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?''''

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Gross Jokes Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Masturbation jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

What is the sharpest thing in the world?
A Fаrт. It goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole.

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Gross Jokes

A man and a woman were on a nudе beach when a wasp flew into the woman's vаginа. In a rush the guy pulled on his shorts, wrapped a towel around the woman, and ran to the hospital.
When they got there the doctor said, "The only way I can think to get the wasp out is to slather some honey on my реnis and lure it out."
The doctor then offered his services for a mere $50. After a long pause, the couple agreed. The doctor happily slathered on some honey and went in. After a couple of thrusts the husband said, "Hey, what the hеll is going on?"
The doctor says, "Change of plans - I'm going to drown the ваsтаrd."

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Gross Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

Little Red Riding Hood walks through the forest and sees a wolf hunched under a tree with its ears еrест and its mouth stretched in a big grimace.
She says to the wolf, "My, what big ears you have!"
The wolf keeps grimacing.
She says, "My, what big eyes you have!"
The wolf grimaces even wider, baring his teeth.
She says, "My, what big teeth you have!"
The wolf finally snaps and says, "F**k off! I'm trying to take a dump."

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Gross Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Animal Jokes

Two brothers, Bob and Tom, both work for a lumberyard.
One day, Bob tells Tom that he can tell what any piece of wood is just by smelling it. Unbelieving, Tom blindfolds Bob and proceeds to test the theory. The first piece of wood Bob smells, he instantly identifies as maple. The second piece Bob instantly identifies as walnut. Tom cannot believe Bob can really do this, so he takes an old piece of wood and whispers to the secretary to rub the wood between her legs. She happily runs it up in her crotch. Tom hands the piece of wood to Bob. Bob smells it three times.
''I am stumped. But I would have to guess that this wood is either a pussywillow or a shingle from a shiтhоusе.''

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Gross Jokes Office and Work Jokes Secretary Jokes