Gross jokes, Disgusting jokes

So that there be less strife
May your dreams be sweet
And your аss does not tweet tonight.

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A mother is making a cake for her three sons when she accidentally droops some BB from the shelf into the batter.
She decides that it won't matter and continues to make the cake.
Later that day, her sons eat the cake and don't even notice the BBs.
The next day, when the mother is reading a magazine on the couch, one of her sons runs in saying, "Mom, mom, I рissеd out a beebee!"
She says "That's okay, son. I accidentally dropped some bee bees into the cake batter. You'll be fine."
Five minutes later, one of the other sons, come running in and he says, "Mom, mom, I.."
But the mother cuts him off and she says, "I know, I know, you рissеd out a beebee. I dropped it into the cake batter, but you'll be fine."
Then her last son runs in the room, and he says, "Mom, mom, I.."
And the mother cuts him off and says, "I know, I know, you рissеd out a beebee. It's my fault for dropping it in the cake batter, but you'll be fine."
But then son says, "No, no, I was маsтurватing and I shot the dog!"

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Pet Jokes Gross Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes Masturbation jokes

Q: What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating рussy?
A: At least when you are eating рussy you can see the аsshоlе in front of you.

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Gross Jokes Sex Jokes

An ugly bloke walks into a pub with a huge grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about ?" asks the landlord.
"Well, I live by the railway and on my way home last night I noticed a woman tied to the tracks. I cut her free and we shagged all night !"
"Did you get a вlоw job ?" asks the landlord.
"No ..." he says, "I never found the head."

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Gross Jokes Jokes about Women Dirty jokes

Why does the witch not wear раnтiеs when flying?
Because she wants to get a better grip on the broom.

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Gross Jokes

Two doctors opened an office in a small town.
They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Аnаl-Retentives."
But is was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Аnаl Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Аss Holes"
None worked.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."
APPROVED!

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Gross Jokes

There was this man who had a dog.
Every Sunday morning at 4:30 AM the man and the dog would go fishing.
One day, the man fell in love and got married.
After the wedding, when the man and the woman got in bed together, the man turned to the woman.
"Tomorrow is Sunday and every Sunday morning, me and my dog go fishing at 4:30 AM. We'd like you to come along."
"And what if I don't want to come along?" the woman asked impatiently.
"Well then, sweetie, we'll just have to have buttsex."
With that, the man rolled over and fell asleep, and left the woman pondering.
"God, I hate having the buttsex, but I also hate getting up so early. I'll have to think about this more."
In the morning, the woman could hear the man going downstairs to get the dog.
It was much too early for the woman to get up so she decided to wait for the inevitable buttsex.
She waited for about half an hour and fell back asleep, thinking her husband had left already.
She awoke to the man, pulling on her arm.
"Have you made your decision?" he asked
"Yes," she replied. "I do not want to go fishing."
True to his word, the man pulled down his pants.
"By the way, what took you so long to come upstairs? It usually doesn't take that long to get Sparky up."
"I know," the man said. "He didn't want to go either."

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Jokes about Women Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Dog jokes

It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.
The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present.
She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers".
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy.
She laughed and thanked him.
The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present.
She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy.
She again laughed and thanked him also.
The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking.
The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.
"No," said the little girl.
So she tasted it again.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"Noooo," replied the little girl, "It's a puppy."

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Parent Jokes Gross Jokes School Jokes Student jokes Wine jokes Birthday Jokes

A man goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce dangling from his rестuм.
"That looks nasty," says the doctor.
"Nasty?" the man says.
"That's just the tip of the iceberg."

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Gross Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

One day two deaf-mutes meet on the street. They had been friends in school but had lost touch over time. They used sign language to catch up on old times. Through the course of conversation one of the deaf-mutes learned the other had learned to speak and was no longer mute.
This amazed the fellow that was still mute and he asked about the procedure. His friend gave him the doctor's card and went on his way. The deaf mute wasted no time and went straight to the doctor's office. The doctor informed the procedure took 26 days and cost one million dollars. The man handed the doc his insurance card and begged the doctor to start the treatment that day.
The doctor had the man sтriр and lay over the examination table. The doctor went to his closet and took out a bucket of mayonnaise and a broom handle with a door кnов on the end. The doc got a running start and shoved the mayonaise covered door кnов up the deaf-mute's аss. The mute screamed,"AY!AY!AY!" The doctor said,"very good we will work on the B's tomorrow."

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Office and Work Jokes Gross Jokes School Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes Insurance Comedy

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.
All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the вuтт before coming in and asking for a drink.
The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the вuтт?"
The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."
The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"
Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."

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Gross Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes

- Ghost Роор: You feel the роор come out, but there is no роор in the toilet.
- Clean Роор: You роор, it's in the toilet, but there's nothing on the toilet paper.
- Second Wave Роор: You're done pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, but something tells you you're not done.
- Gassy Роор: Everyone within earshot is giggling.
- Corn Роор: Self-explanatory.
- Wet Cheeks Роор: (The power dump) Comes out of your вuтт so fast, your cheeks get splashed with water.
- Upper Class Роор: This роор doesn't smell.
- The Dangling Роор: This роор refuses to drop, and you just pray that a shake

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Gross Jokes

Little Red Riding Hood went to her grandma's house and found her laying in bed.
Little Red Riding Hood said,: ''Grandma, what big eyes you have!''
Grandma: ''The better to see you with, my dear.''
Little Red Riding Hood: ''Grandma, what big ears you have!''
Grandma: "The better to hear you with, my dear.''
Little Red Riding Hood: ''Grandma, what a big mouth you have!''
Grandma: ''Of course I do, have you seen Grandpa's d**k?!?''

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Gross Jokes Blue Collar Jokes

The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city.
After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say. He keeps asking the Pontiff questions about the church and, in particular, the nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" Grumpy asks.
"No, my son, all of our nuns are at least five feet tall," smiles the Pope.
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason," replies Grumpy. "But you're positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, maybe two-and-a-half feet tall?"
"I'm sure, my vertically-challenged son," says the Pope, trying not show his curiosity.
"Okay," moans Grumpy.
So the Pope listens to the dwarves as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarves.
Grumpy mutters, "He said they don't have any."
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fuскеd a реnguin! Grumpy fuскеd a реnguin!"

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Gross Jokes Animal Jokes Church jokes

A guy has a bad habit: He loves to hit pedestrians while he drives. So one day he's driving andsees an old lady with a cane and he decides to control his urge to swerve and hit her - but he can't.
Later, he sees a kid skating and can't resist hitting the kid. Finally, he decides he needs help from above so he goes to a church and asks the pastor for help.
So after church, the pastor invites him to his house for lunch. They get in the car and start to drive down the street, and just as he starts to tell the pastor about his problem, he sees an old blind man walking down the street. He swerves toward him but misses, and the pastor says, ''Don't worry. I got him with the door!''

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Gross Jokes Car and driving jokes Kids Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Church jokes Love Jokes

Sonny, Got Any Viаgrа?
An old man goes into a pharmacy, asks for two Viаgrа pills and demands that the pharmacist cut them in half. The pharmacist winks at him, "OK, but do you realize they won't be as effective?" The old man says, "Listen sonny, I'm 80 years old. I don't want them for sеx. I need them for getting me hard enough so I don't рее on my shoes."

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Gross Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Old People Jokes Viagra jokes

Did you hear about the man who took Viаgrа and a laxative at the same time?
He didn't know if he was coming or going.

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Gross Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Viagra jokes

A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange growth on his реnis.
He sees several doctors.
They all say: "You've been sсrеwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off."
The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it.
So he goes back and sees a doctor in Pakistan.
The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?"
The man replies, "Yes a few in the USA."
The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."
The man answers, "Yes!"
The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."

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Dirty jokes Gross Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes USA Jokes Business jokes

You might be a redneck if you think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.

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Redneck jokes Gross Jokes Food Jokes

Two monsters went to a Halloween party.
Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?"
The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."

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Halloween Jokes Gross Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Flirt jokes