Math Jokes

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“Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at the bar, drinking вееr. Jim turns to Bob and says,
"You know, I'm tired of going through life without a proper education. I think I'll just march down to the community college and sign up for some classes right now."
Jim does just that. He walks down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
Jim: Logic? What in tarnation is logic?
Dean: I'll give you an example! Do you own a wееd whacker?
Jim: Well, yeah.
Dean: Then, logically speaking, because you own a wееd whacker, I presume you have a yard.
Jim: That's true, I do have a yard. That's mighty impressive!
Dean: I'm not done. Because you have a yard, I think that, logically speaking, you have a house.
Jim: Well I'll be darned if I don't!
Dean: And because you have a house, I think that, logically, you probably have a family.
Jim: Yeah, I do!
Dean: So, because you have a family, then, logically, you must have a wife. And because you...
Jim: That's amazing! You figured that I have a wife because I have a wееd whacker!?"
Jim goes runnin' straight back to Bob at the bar and says,
"Look what I just learned!" Bob... do you happen to have a wееd whacker?
"Nope, I don't think I do", said Bob.
Jim exclaims with pride, "Then, logically speaking..." He pauses to think, frowns, then slaps Bob in the back of the head and yells,
"You piece o' dirt! I told you never to leave her!"
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There is a job in the newspaper that say its requirements are: Bilingual, mathematical and good with computers.
So one day a dog walks in to the office of the place that is offering with a note in his mouth saying he can do all the things asked and he drops this note on the desk of the receptionist.
The receptionist is astounded by this and calls the manager immediately. The manager comes down and says “alright then you’ll have to prove your claim”
Then he says “ok firstly you have to be good with computers.” The dog then runs to the computer behind the desk and types up his CV.
Then the manager says “Very good. But you’ve got to be mathematical and we’ve got a test to see about that. You’ve got and hour to complete it.” The manager then puts the test in the dogs mouth and the dog wanders off.
The dog comes back an hour later and gives the test to the manager. The manager quickly marks I and says “Exceptional 100%. But you’ve also got to be Bilingual” the dog then replies “Meow”
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A blonde called her new boss to explain there was a problem with her check.
In checking the timesheets the boss noticed that she had not punched in since her first day of orientation. He tried to explain that her check was right since she had only worked the one day for the company.
The blonde went on insisting that her check was short, and that the company apparently had problems with their math in figuring out her check. She asked her boss how many days were in a year.
He said there are 365.
She asked if he knew how many weeks were in a year.
And he replied there are 52.
She went on to say that since there are 52 weeks per year in which she had 2 weekend days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since she was scheduled to work 8 hours a day, she spent 16 hours each day away from work, and that added up 170 days, leaving only 91 days for work.
She went on to explain that during the day she spent in company orientation she learned that the company allowed her 30 minutes each day for her two coffee breaks, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days for work.
Orientation also informed her that she would be given a 1-hour lunch each day, which used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
The company also allowed 2 days per year for sick leave, leaving her only 20 days per year to work.
The company additionally allowed her to be off 5 holidays per year, bringing her available working time down to 15 days.
Then there were the 14 days vacation the company so generously allowed all employees which leaves only 1 day for her to work ... and well, the boss has already conceded that she did time in and out on her orientation day, so would he please get her check corrected. And if it would be easier for the accounting department ... they could go ahead and make it out for her yearly salary, since she had obviously already put in her share of work for that year.
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A young boy says to his father “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.”
“What happened?” The father asks.
“Well, she asks me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answer ’63’ , then she asks, ‘and 9 * 7?’ so I asked ‘what’s the fuскing difference?’ ”
“Indeed, what is the difference?” asks the father. ”Sure, I’ll go.”
The next day, the boy comes home from school “Dad, have you gone by the school?” He asks.
“Not yet.”
“Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also.”
“Why?” asks the father.
The boy explains, “Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. ‘Now,’ he says, ‘lift your left leg,’ so I asked ‘What, am I suppose to stand on my соск!?'”
“Exactly,” says the father. “Alright, I’ll come.”
The next day, the boy asks his father “Did you go to the school?”
“No, not yet.”
“Don’t bother, I got expelled.”
Surprised, the father asks “Why did you get expelled?”
“Well, they summoned me to the principal’s office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher.”
“The fuск was the art teacher doing there!?” asks the father.
“That’s what I said” replied the boy.
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