Money jokes - Page 71

I bought a brand new Porsche 944 Turbo. I really couldn't afford it, but I figured -- what the hеll, I'll just pick up a couple extra hours a week at work. So, I'm working 137 hours a week now.

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how, after the worship service, he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the
Church building.
Therefore, he was slightly annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," said the minister. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said,
"Brothers and Sisters, we are in difficulty. The roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist.

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Religion jokes Money jokes

A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time.
At the roulette table she says,
"I have no idea what number to play."
A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.
Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 25.
The wheel is spun, and 30 comes up.
The smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted.

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Men jokes

Can’t believe how much money I’ve let slip through my fingers. Just seen a poster saying that they pay $30 for sреrм donations.

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Money jokes Dirty jokes

If a person is very adept at telling falsehoods about the money he owes, does that mean he's really good at telling us his LIE-abilities?

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Money jokes One-Liner Jokes

A police officer stopped a car on the highway and went up to the driver. He saw the man, and said:
"You've just won $1000 for wearing a seat belt! What are you going to do with your prize money?"
The man thought, and said back:
"Maybe go to the driving school and get my licence!"
His wife told the cop:
"Don't listen to him, he's a sмаrтаss when he's drunк".
All of this talking made a passenger in the back of the car wake up, and he blurted out:
"I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car. Why didn't you change the number plate?"
A knock emerged from the trunk of the car, and the person in the trunk said:
"Are we at the border yet?"

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
It reminds me of why there is no fuскing money in there.

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes

Are you tired of being ripped off?
Have no fear!
Send me a check for $29.99 plus $3.99 shipping and handling and you'll get my brand new book, "How Not To Get Ripped Off"!

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Money jokes

I opened my electric bill at the same time I opened my water bill.
Needless to say, I was shocked.

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Money jokes

There was a Swedish, Danish and a Norwegain lost in the desert. They eventually found an oasis with a diving board. By that oasis, there was a genie. The genie said that they get to wish what's going to be in the oasis while jumping off of the diving board.
The Norwegian went first. He jumped and said:
"Money!", and landed in a pile of money.
The Danish went second. He jumped and said:
"Вееr!", and landed in a pool of вееr.
The Swedish went last. He was going to act cool, but slipped and yelled:
"Oh shiт!"

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Money jokes

You know a mother once told her ambitious wall street son, "Money will not make you happy."
"That's true mom, but it will make you miserable in a better environment."

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Money jokes

To supplement my income, I sell furniture on the side. I'm down to my couch now.

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Money jokes

Fire swept the plains and burned down the farmer’s barn. While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $75,000, the amount of insurance on the barn. “We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained. “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.”
“In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.”

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

A bank clerk is talking with her colleague. "I think now-a-days my beauty has been decreasing."
"Why do you think that?" asked the colleague.
"The men who are withdrawing cash at my counter are actually counting their money."

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Men jokes

"Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.
Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.
The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.
The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"
The vendor replies,
"Change comes from within."

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Money jokes Food Jokes

Leroy is desperate to get some money to satisfy his craving for hеrоin.
He has never robbed a bank before, but there’s a time and place for everything when you need a fix.
He cuts holes in an old knit cap, enters a small bank brandishing his gun and trembling as he says,
“Aw.. aww.. All rr ri right you motherstickers, this is a fuскuр!!”

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Money jokes Criminal Jokes

Ben, a taxi driver working the midnight shift was exhausted after a few fares, and decided he needed to take a nap. Parking behind a convenience store, he leaned back and immediatelyfell asleep. About an hour later he was awakened by a knock on the window.
"Can you spare a dime?" asked a homeless man. Even though he was slightly perturbed, Ben reached into his pocket and handed him a dollar. Once again he settled back for a nap. A half hour later, he was again awakened by a knock on the window.
"Brother, can you be so kind to give me a little change?", begged another wayfarer.
More than a little perturbed this time, he throws a dollar at the man and angrily closes his window. Ben then takes out a piece of paper and writes on it, 'I don't have any money!' He sticks it on his windshield and settles back again for a much needed rest. Quickly falling soundly asleep, he was nonetheless awakened by another furious rap on his window. Rolling it down, he saw yet another homeless man. "What in tarnation do YOU want?" Ben yelled.
"I saw the sign on your windshield," the man began, "and since I've been having a pretty good night panhandling, I thought I'd give you a couple of bucks to get you back on your feet."

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Men jokes

I was delighted when the debt company I owe money to said they were going to send some bay leaves round to my house. They’re absolutely my favourite herb, so I borrowed a few quid and knocked up a chicken biryani, ready to eat with them. Imagine my shock therefore when two fат skinhead thugs in suits turned up on my doorstep and walked off with my cooker. Ваsтаrds!

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Money jokes Masturbation jokes Fat Jokes

Since I started stealing money from my wife to pay for prostitutes, my friends have started calling me “Robin Hood”…
Stealing from the вiтсh and giving to the whоrе.

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Money jokes Friendship Jokes Criminal Jokes

Why is the moon like a dollar?
It has four quarters.

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Money jokes