Music and Musician Jokes

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Учител по музика към Иванчо: учитель музыки говорит вовочке: - предупреждаю, что если не будешь... Учителката по пиано: Учитель музики говорить Вовочці: — Попереджаю, що якщо не будеш поводитися як слід, я скажу твоїм батькам, що в тебе є талант!
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Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project -- an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger being courted for the top roles. Spielberg really hoped to have the box office "oomph" of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select the composers they would portray, as long as they among the most famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagal. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"
Arnold replied, "I'll be Bach."
Movie jokes Music and Musician Jokes
60 εκατοστά So a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks “whats in the box”. Странник влиза в пиано-бар и казва на бармана: A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano. A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?" The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer."... En man kom in på en bar och gick fram till bardisken och satte upp en liten man på disken. Bartendern frågade, - Vad får det lova att vara? Mannen svarar, - Jag vill ha en öl, men kan min korte lille vän, få spela på pianot? - Javisst, svarar bartendern. Den lilla mannen går fram till... Un signore cammina per la città tenendo in mano una gabbia con dentro un ometto di 30 centimetri che fa un gran rumore; quando incontra un amico subito si sente domandare: "Che cos'hai nella... En man kom in på en bar med en liten väska som han öppnade. Ut kom en 30 cm lång pianist som satte sej och började spela på sitt medhavda piano. Bartendern frågade varifrån han hade fått tag på... Baariin asteli mies, joka kysyi baarimikolta: - Tarjoatko ryypyn, jos näytän sinulle jotain ihmeellistä? - Hyvä on, mutta sen täytyy sitten olla todella ihmeellistä. Silloin mies otti taskustaan... A guy walks into a bar and sees a 1 foot piano player over by the door. He goes over to the bartender, orders a beer, and says “man, how’d you get such a short piano player.” The bartender says in... Ein Mann besucht seinen Freund und findet ihn im Wohnzimmer am Tisch sitzend. Unter dem Tisch befindet sich ein 30 cm Tennisfeld auf welchem sich gerade Agassi und Becker ein heißes Match liefern....
A guy walks into a tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all about?"
The bartender told him he that would tell him later.
So the guy asked the bartender for a drink.
The bartender said, "Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic вееr bottle and make one wish."
"Okay," said the guy.
He went over to the magic вееr bottle and rubbed it.
Poof.
Out came a genie.
The genie, of course, said, "You have one wish."
The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks.
A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared.
In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him.
The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want a million ducks."
The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?"
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A man goes in to a bar. He approaches the bartender.
"Hi mate. Listen, I don't have any cash on me at the moment, do you think you can spot me a pint?"
The bartender scoffs. "No chance mate, we're not here for that."
The man pauses for a moment, and then makes an offer. "What if I show you something that you've never seen before? If you've never seen it, all my drinks are on the house for the night."
"Pfft," the barman scoffs. "Yeah, alright. Let's see what you've got."
The man reaches in to his bag and pulls out a frog, and a tiny piano. He sets them on the bar, the frog hops over to the piano and starts to play a beautiful rendition of Mozart's Die Zauberflöte.
The barman is stunned. "Well, I'll be! You've got something there, I'll give you that. Fair enough mate, drinks are on me...but I want the frog and the piano. How about 1,000 for them?"
"I couldn't do that. The frog is my livelihood."
"How about 2,000?"
"Deal."
The man spends the entire night drinking, partying away, and stumbles home at closing time.
Fast forward a few days, and the same man returns. "Listen mate. For the sake of the joke, I've spent all the money you gave me and I'm strapped for money again. Any chance of spotting me for a pint?"
The barman says, "No, we already went through this. We're not a charity."
"Ahh, but what if I show you something you've never seen before?"
The barman is amused. "You came here last with a frog that plays a piano, I've seen it all! But go on then, what have you got?"
The man pulls out a mouse and sets it on the bar. It sits there, looking around and minding his own business.
"That's just a mouse! I've got enough mice to deal with, I don't need another one!"
The mouse pipes up. "Just a mouse?! I'll have you know I've been quite well educated, sir!"
The barman jumps back. "The mouse...the mouse just spoke! It's a talking mouse! Listen mate, all your drinks are on the house, but I've got to have the mouse as well! I will give you 3,000 for him!"
The man accepts the money, and continues his evening of free drinks. But as the night goes on, and the man gets more belligerent, he stumbles over to the bar to talk to the barman.
"Listen mate, here's you 3,000 back. I feel terrible about what I've done."
The barman scoffs. "Sorry mate, but a deal is a deal, and I've bought the mouse off you fair and square. I'm keeping him!"
The man says, "I don't care, just please take the money. It was all a trick! The mouse doesn't talk...the frog is a ventriloquist."
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An OHIO STATE UNIVERSITYmortician student walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table.
Confident that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, hebegan to examine the body. When he rolled it over he was shocked to see a cork inthe man's вuтт. Mystified, he pulled out the cork and immediately heard theUniversity of Michigan fight song come out of the guy's вuтт. Shaken by what had happenedhe quickly shoved the cork back into it's original resting place. He then ran to get hisinstructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you must come, you won't believe what Idiscovered!" Annoyed by theinterruption, he said, "Let's take a look at this astounding discovery." When they entered themorgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so he approached the table andpromptly removed the cork. Upon hearing the University of Michigan fight song hequickly replaced the cork in the cadavers вuтт and said, "What's so surprising aboutthat? I've heard thousands of аsshоlеs sing that song!"
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Favorite Country Western Songs:
16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Аss Out All Day Long
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14 If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' better
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And the Number one Country Western song is. . . .
1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
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