Jokes about Police Officers

A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes.
My dogs don't even own bikes.

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A rabbi and a priest crash into each other at a four-way junction.
They both get out of their cars and look at the wreck.
They both thank God they are OK, and the priest says, ‘This must be a sign that God wanted us to meet.’
The rabbi says, ‘Yes, indeed, let’s drink.’
So the rabbi gets out some wine.
They toast each other and the priest drinks his glass.
But the rabbi doesn’t take a taste of his drink.
Priest: ‘Why aren’t you drinking?’
Rabbi: ‘I’m waiting for the police.’

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Wine jokes God Jokes Police Officer Jokes Priest Jokes Vulgar jokes Priest Jokes

Me: Can I call an officer a рussy?
Cop: No.
Me: Can I call a рussy 'officer?'
Cop: I guess you could...
Me: Goodnight, officer

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Dirty jokes Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes

Two truck drivers trying to drive under a bridge.
Driver, "Oh no, the height of bridge is 2.7m and our truck is 3m."
2nd driver, "it's ok, just go, there is no cops around."

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Police Officer Jokes

A trooper stops a car and he tells the driver he stopped him for speeding.
The irate driver says, "You're nuts, I wasn't speeding!"
The driver's wife says, "Oh you old fool you are always driving too fast!"
The driver yells at his wife, "shut up, old lady."
The trooper is taken aback by the exchange but tells the driver he also is in violation the seat belt law.
The driver once again complains that he was wearing his seatbelt.
The wife states, "You never wear your seatbelt."
Driver "I am going to smack you if you dont shut up".
Not wanting a fight the trooper asked the wife, "Does he always talk to you that way?"
"ONLY WHEN HE'S DRUNК," the wife states.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Police Officer Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing.
The police arrive and ask for a description.
She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her.
He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."
The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.
She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

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Police Officer Jokes Blonde Jokes Men jokes Love Jokes

Two blondes were running from the cops as they had just been caught sneeking over the border into Mexico.
They dashed up to a fence and climbed over it, lights and sirens running behind them.
As they arrived on the other side, they came face to face with a long river.
One blonde said to the other. "Here I'll shine this flashlight over the water and you can walk accross the beam of light."
The other said:
"What do you think I am, sтuрid!? I'll get halfway accross and you'll turn it off!"

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Blonde Jokes Mexican jokes Police Officer Jokes

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat.
The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo.
The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again.
He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."
The man replies "I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies."

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

A man fell out of a tenth-story window.
He's lying on the ground with a big crowd around him.
A cop walks over and says, "What happened?"
The guy says, "I don't know, I just got here."

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Men jokes Police Officer Jokes

Three policemen are sitting in a car.
Bored, as cards and domino make them sick already.
On thinks of an idea:
Guys, lets play golf.
All we need is a stick, ball and a hole.
I can arrange a stick, – one says.
I will get a ball, - adds another.
Guys, I’m not playing this dirтy game, - says the third one.

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Dirty jokes Police Officer Jokes

When customs finds something in your вuтт, how do you act surprised?

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Police Officer Jokes Nationality Jokes

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11... a suicide.

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Police Officer Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Phone jokes

"Hey, I have a magic dildо for sale," he says.
"What? There's no such thing," she replied.
"No seriously, if you don't believe me try it out in the bathroom. All you have to say is 'magic dildо my рussy.'"
A bit skeptical she agrees and takes the dildо to the bathroom.
A few minutes later she comes out.
"Wow, that was great!" She says.
She ends up buying the dildо and leaves the store.
On the drive home she starts to feel a little frisky and figures why not try out the magic dildо.
Well she's really enjoying herself.
The car is swerving and she rolls through a red.
She ends up getting pulled over by a cop.
After she rolls down her window she tells him the whole story.
She explains about the magic dildо and the shop.
The cop says, "Magic dildо my аss."

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Police Officer Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes

Judge Claudia Jordan of Denver slipped a message to her clerk during a trial.
The note said: “Blind on the right side. May be falling. Please call someone.”
The clerk called 9-1-1.
She told the judge not to worry, help was on the way.
The judge made a noise.
“I wanted someone from maintenance,” she said.
The trouble was the window blinds on the courtroom’s right side.
The judge appologized to the paramedics when they arrived.

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Police Officer Jokes

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".
"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first."
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.
But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crayfish and a swag of nice сrавs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five сrавs in it.
"Geez, thanks. They're вlооdy beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so what's the other possible good news?"
"Well", the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!"

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Police Officer Jokes News and Politics Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

‘If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.’

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Police Officer Jokes

A drunк on his way home from a bar one night realizes that he has dropped his keys.
He gets down on his hands and knees and starts groping around beneath a lamppost.
A policeman asks what he’s doing.
"I lost my keys in the park,” says the drunк.
"Then why are you looking for them under the lamppost?” asks the puzzled cop.
"Because,” says the drunк, "that’s where the light is.”

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Police Officer Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Q:What not to say to the nice policeman?
A:I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

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Office and Work Jokes Military Jokes Police Officer Jokes

Hot Shot Rookie A rookie patrol officer stopped a car for speeding.
The driver asked,
"Gee officer can't you just give me a warning"?
The officer said,"Sure".
He stepped back, drew his .357 magnum and fired a shot across the hood of the car.
"Anything else?" said the rookie.

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Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes

They've broken in my house so many times, they leave notes complaining about things:
'The salt was low.' 'Pick up bread. We be back.' Grease all over my stove - they cooked and left the best chicken and dressing you ever want to lay your lips on.

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Police Officer Jokes Food Jokes