Police Officer Jokes

Newest jokes in this category

There are 2 women getting ready to leave for work.
The brunette gets in the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat.
The brunette says:
"We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops."
As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde:
"So, do you see any cops?"
The blonde replies:
"Yes!"
The brunette says:
"Are they behind us?"
"Yes!"
"Are they close?"
"Yes!"
"Are they going to stop us?"
"I don't know!"
"Well, are their lights on?"
The blonde replies:
"Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no...!

23 0

How many cops does it take to arrest a Mexican? Eight. One to carry him, the rest to carry his oranges.

23 0

1. You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect to run away from me.
2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth.
3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you.
Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.
4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his persuit of you in full stride.
5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.
6. Good luck. On your mark, get set.... GO!!!!!

23 0

Q: Why did God create women?
A: He took one look at men and said, "I know I can do better than this."

22 0

A police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunк drivers.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

22 0

There's a black and a Mexican in a car, who's driving?
The Cop

22 0

Why do police dogs liск their ваlls?
To get the taste of Niggеr out their mouths.

22 0

At recent trade talks the American representative offered to sell sophisticated American telephone technology to the Russians.
American :
"In the United States, anyone can pick up any phone and dial 9-1-1.
This will record the call and connect them with the police."
Russian :
"In Russia we don't require that you dial anything."

22 0

A man was driving along the road when all of a sudden he has to swerve to avoid a box falling off the lorry in front.
Seconds later a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
As the policeman starting writing the ticket he noticed the box was full of nails and tacks.
"I had to serve or I'd have run over those and blown my tyres!" protested the driver.
"Ok", replied the officer, ripping up the ticket, "but I'm still bringing you in."
"What for?" retorted the man.
"Tacks evasion", answered the policeman.

22 0

One day, a guy walks out from a shop to see someone РISSING on his Ferrari.
"Hey," says the man. "Why are you рissing on my Ferrari?"
"Because I feel like it."
"Tell you what -- I won't report you to the police if you can keep up with my Ferrari."
"Whatever."
So the guy gets in his car and drives off, going faster and faster, until he's hit 100 miles per hour.
Amazingly, the guy is still keeping up.
"I'm amazed," says the driver. "How are you keeping up?"
"It's easy," says the running man, "when your d**k is stuck in the door."

22 0

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink.
His friends plead with him to let them take him home.
He says no -- he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in their area.
The police tell the drunк party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door.
They ask if Mr. SMITH is there and his wife says yes.
They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
The police have his driver's license.
They ask to see his car and she asks why.
They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find their police car, with the lights still flashing.

22 0

What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You're under a vest!

22 0

This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.
The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”
“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.
The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”
“Let me see it,” says the cop.
She holds up the mirror and looks in it.
Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you."

22 0

How is a police car like a women?
It flashes and It usually has a d*ck in it.

22 0

A cop stopped a drunк at about dawn.
The cop asked,
"Can you explain why you're out at this hour?"
"If I could," the drunк said,
"I'd be home by now!"

22 0

A drunк man was smoking drugs while driving.
The policeman stop him and says,
"Show me you ID?"
The drunк man, "What drugs?"

22 0

A policeman has just stopped a drunк driver and given him a breathalyser test.
‘I’m sorry, sir,’ says the policeman.
‘But this bag tells me you’ve been drinking too much.’
‘What a coincidence!’ exclaims the driver.
‘I’ve got a bag at home that does the exactly the same thing!'

22 0

Yo' Mama is so sтuрid, when she was pulled over for drunк driving and asked to walk a line, she said, "Which one?"

21 0

A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding.
As he was giving her the ticket, she said, “How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning?
Is it my face?”
“No, ma’am,” explained the officer, “it’s your foot.”

21 0

A Policeman pulls over a motorist for running a stop sign.
The motorists says, "What's the problem officer, I slowed down for that stop sign?"
The officer replies, "I know you slowed down, but you are supposed to stop."
"But officer, I slowed down, what's the difference?"
"The difference is, you're supposed to stop.", says the officer.
"But I slowed down!" replied the motorist.
The officer says, "Let me explain it to you this way.
I'm going to drag your scrawny аss out of your car, then I'm going to take this stick I carry on my belt and I'm going to start beating you with it.
After five minutes I'm going to ask you, do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?"

21 0