Jokes about Police Officers

A policeman stops two drunks and asks one, "Where do you live?"
"Nowhere", the first drunк replied.
"And where do you live?", he asks the other.
"We're neighbours."

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Police Officer Jokes

From the State where drunк driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Texas.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunк comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom`s the best sеx in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunк wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunк comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sweee-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunк goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, your drunк!!
Hahahahaha wot a fuскing LAUGH!

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Office and Work Jokes Sports Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sex Jokes Police Officer Jokes Dad Jokes Car and driving jokes

A lawyer's car stalled on the side of the freeway.
As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground.
A passing police car pulled over.
As the policeman got out he heard the lawyer shouting, 'my mercedes, my brand new mercedes!"
As the policeman approached he was shocked to notice the lawyer's right arm missing.
"Do you realize your arm is gone?" asked the policeman?
The lawyer, stunned, began to scream,
"My rolex, my brand new rolex!"

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Lawyer Jokes Police Officer Jokes

Yo momma’s so sтuрid, she died before the police arrived because she couldn’t find the ‘11’ button in ‘9-1-1’.

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Police Officer Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.
He stopped the car and asked,
"Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is, "Irish Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Irish Mike...." 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

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Police Officer Jokes Military Jokes

If Chuck Norris ever got caught for speeding, he'd let the cops off with a warning.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Police Officer Jokes

A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails.
When the police show up, they ask him what happened.
The shaken turtle replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."

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Animal Jokes Police Officer Jokes

Yo' Mama is so sтuрid, she called the police to report a suspicious looking person lurking in her mirror.

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Yo Momma Jokes Insult Jokes Police Officer Jokes Stupid Jokes

Yo' Mama is so fат, when the cops see her on a street corner, they yell, "Hey you guys, break it up!"

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Yo Momma Jokes Police Officer Jokes Fat Jokes

Little Johnny comes home and tells his daddy, “Dad, tomorrow there’s a special ‘Adults’ evening’ at school.
Daddy is surprised, “Really? Special?”
“Yes,” nods Johnny, “it will be just you, the teacher, the headmaster and two police officers.”

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Police Officer Jokes Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Dad Jokes

A man was involved in an auto accident. A policeman ran up to the car and asked, "Are you seriously injured?" The man said, "How should I know? I'm a doctor not a lawyer."

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One-Liner Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes the police! Come out with your hands up!

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One-Liner Jokes Police Officer Jokes Knock-knock jokes

What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant?
An animal that tells you everything that it remembers!

What is a baby elephant after he is five weeks old?
Six weeks old!

What did the elephant say when the man grabbed him by the tail?
This is the end of me!

Policeman:
"One of your elephants has been seen chasing a man on a bicycle."
Zoo Keeper:
"Nonsense, none of my elephants knows how to ride a bicycle!"
Why do the elephants have short tails?
Because they can't remember long stories!

How to you keep an elephant in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow!

"Dad, Mum is fighting with an enormous elephant in the garden!"
"Don't worry dear, I'm sure the elephant can look after itself!"
My elephants got no trunk?
How does it smell?
Terrible!

What do elephants sing at christmas?
Noel-ephants, Noel-ephants...
Who do elephants get their christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus!

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Police Officer Jokes Christmas Jokes

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor. Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy? A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home. On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms. How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops,looks up, and says, "Where?" A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.

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Blonde Jokes Police Officer Jokes

What did the Alabama sherriff call the niggеr who had been shot 15 times?
Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

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Black People Jokes Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Police Officer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him over.
"You got any I. D.?" the patrolman asked."
"'Bout what?" the hillbilly replied.

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Police Officer Jokes

Two undercover police officers assigned to the organized сriме unit were overlooking a вlооdy mob hit scene.
The victim had six gun shot wounds to the back of the head.
One cop looks at the other and utters, "Worst case of suicide I've ever seen."

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Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes

A man calls into the police station and says,
"My wife is missing."
The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"
"A month."
"Why did you wait so long to report it?"
"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn’t have any clean clothes to wear."

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a State Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver...

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes

A blonde, a brunet and a red head were running from the cops when they came upon three empty sacks laying in front of a closed store.
"Let's hide in these and the cops won't find us!" said the red head, and they each dove into the sacks.
The brunet hid in one that said CAT.
The red head hid in one that said DOG, and the blonde hid in one that said POTATOS.
When the cops came by, they saw the bags and said:
"Maybe they're in these sacks. Kick one of them." to the other.
The other cop kicked the bag the brunet was in that said CAT and she said:
"Meow!".
So the cop kicked the second bag with the red head that said DOG. She said once kicked:
"Woof!".
So the cop moved on to the final sack that said POTATOS and kicked it.
The blonde cried out:
"Potatos!"

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Food Jokes Blonde Jokes Police Officer Jokes