Religion jokes

Newest jokes in this category
A new priest has just started working at the local catholic church when the head priest, Father David, announces that he is going on holiday for a week. Father David asks the new priest if he wouldn’t mind doing the confessions whilst he’s away. Concerned that he is inexperienced, Father David gives him the latest handbook on what to do in the confession box.
The new priest has been doing the job for five minutes when a young woman enters the box and says, “Forgive me father, for I have sinned - I have had feelings of a carnal nature toward the man who cuts our lawn.”
The priest looks to his handbook, finds the section on sеxuаl desire and gardeners, and relays the appropriate penance to the woman. “You must do five hail Marys, and polish the church door brass.”
Later, a second woman confesses she has kissed the guy who came to fix the boiler. He looks in the handbook, finds the section on intimate liaisons with members of the plumbing trade and hands down a penance of ten hail Marys, fifty counts of the rosaries, and an afternoon trimming the church candles.
Much later a woman comes to the box and confesses that she has given the local policeman a вlоw-job. After a few minutes, the priest cannot find any mention of suскing a man’s соск in the handbook and wonders what to do. He sticks his head out of the box just as a choir boy is passing, and asks the lad, “Psst.. do you know what Father David usually gives for a вlоw-job?”
Quick as a flash, the young lad replies, “A bag of Skittles and a Kit-Kat.”
Der Dorfpfarrer, der auch gleichzeitig der stärkste Stürmer im Fußballverein ist, hat am Sonntag ein wichtiges Spiel zu bestreiten. Da es um den Klassenerhalt geht und er auf keinen Fall bei dem Spiel fehlen darf, bittet er seinen besten Freund, für ihn die Beichte zu abzunehmen. Nach langem... Een pastoor wil op vakantie gaan maar wil graag dat het biechten tijdens zijn afwezigheid doorgaat. Daarom vraagt hij aan de koster om, tijdens zijn vakantie, voor hem waar te nemen met biechten.... A substitute for a Catholic priest is hearing confessions. He is confused about what to recommend a confessor should do to rectify guilt sustained, after doing a sexual favor for her boss. He... Do spowiedzi przychodzi kobieta: - Proszę księdza uprawiałam miłość francuską, wiem, że zgrzeszyłam i bardzo tego żałuję... - No tak, pierwszy raz spotykam się z tym grzechem. Czy może pani przyjść... Un popa, avea o problema de rezolvat si atunci il roaga pe Bula sa ii tina locul la spovedanie inmanandu-i ghidul de pedepse pentru fiecare pacat. Vine primul enorias: - Parinte, am pacatuit! Am...
Jokes about Women Religion jokes Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes
An indian man was walking down the road when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell to the ground. And ambulance was called and within minutes the ambulance arrived. The victim was taken into the ambulance and it sped off. In the ambulance the victim being a religious man started to repeat "hari om, hari hom, ari om"
The ambulance drove as fast as it could siren sounding and lights flashing. Finally it arrived! They took the victim down and pushed him to the door and rang the doorbell. A woman appeared and was shocked to see her husband on stretcher and inquired what happened. The medical officer explained what happened to her. She screamed," why didn't you take him to the hospital!?"
The medical officer explained, " we tried too but he kept repeating "hurry home hurry home hurry home'. So we took him right to his home.'
The wife was furious and exclaimed, "you idiот! He was praying our hindu prayer "hari om hari om!'
Jokes about Women Religion jokes Office and Work Jokes Nationality Jokes Men jokes
Religion jokes School Jokes
It seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in His bag of creations, so He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. “It’s a very handy thing”, God told the couple, “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability.”
Adam jumped up and blurted, “Oh, give that to me! give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly.
It’d be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and рее, oh please…” On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to рее.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given this ability.
And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.
“Fine,” God said looking back into His bag of leftovers, “What’s left here? Oh yes, ‘multiple оrgаsмs’ . . .”
Religion jokes Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes
Religion jokes Lawyer Jokes
Two prostitutes were on the side of the highway with a sign on there car that read " two hookers looking for diск" . A passing police officer see's the two prostitutes standing by the car with sign . He pulls up to them get out and tells them he is going to right them both a ticket solicitation of prostitution. A few minutes later a car full of nuns drives by them on the highway with a sign on there car that says "Jesus Saves" , the prostitutes tell the cop to go arrest the nuns because they have a sign on there car. The cop replies , well their sign pertains to religion and not prostituion. He gives them the tickets and go's on his way. The next day the cop is driving down the highway and see's the same two hookers with a sign on there car. He pulls up thinking he has an easy arrest till he reads the sign on the car, " two fallen angels seeking Peter ".
Religion jokes Office and Work Jokes Dirty jokes Police Officer Jokes
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
‘If you’re going to кill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.’
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
‘You better pray that will come out of the carpet.’
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
‘If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!’
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
‘ Because I said so, that’s why.’
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
‘If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.’
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
‘Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.’
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
‘Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.’
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
‘Shut your mouth and eat your supper.’
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
‘Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!’
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
‘You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.’
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
‘This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.’
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
‘If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!’
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
‘I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.’
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
‘Stop acting like your father!’
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
‘There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.’
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
‘Just wait until we get home.’
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
‘You are going to get it when you get home!’
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
‘If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.’
19. My mother taught me ESP.
‘Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?’
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
‘When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.’
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
‘If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.’
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
‘You’re just like your father.’
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
‘Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?’
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
‘When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.’
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
‘One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!
==
Religion jokes Kids Jokes Science jokes
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunк, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunк, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunк answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunк, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunк replies,
"No, I haven't found Jesus yet."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunк again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus yet."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunк in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunк, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
The drunк wipes his eyes then catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Religion jokes God Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes
Religion jokes School Jokes Math Jokes
Religion jokes School Jokes
The priest said,
"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so."
Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the priest said to her, 'Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary said,
"Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the priest said,
"We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest:
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary, and the priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the priest again called Sister Mary in to his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary. "It's probably best," said the priest, "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Religion jokes Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes
Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.
One day Betty said, “Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: When you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.”
Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, “Betty, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”
Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.
A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Betty, Betty.”
“Who is it?” asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Betty - it’s me, Bertha.”
“You’re not Bertha. Bertha just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,” insisted the voice.
“Bertha! Where are you?”
“In heaven,” replied Bertha. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” said Betty.
“The good news,” Bertha said, “is that there’s women’s softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” said Betty. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re pitching Tuesday.”
Jokes about Women Religion jokes School Jokes News and Politics Jokes Friendship Jokes
Three men arrive at the gates of heaven, St. Peter looks upon them and says “Though you are all good men, you have sins to absolve before I can let you enter the great kingdom!” So St. Peter takes them off to purgatory. ….
….
The first man had an addiction to sεx. St. Peter took this man to a room; inside were hundreds of women, fully nudе. The man runs into the room excited as can be as St. Peter says, ” I’ll be back in 99 years to see if you’ve learned your lesson.”
The second man is a serious alcoholic. St. Peter takes this man to his room and inside there was an endless supply of every type of alcohol imaginable. St. Peter says again, “I’ll be back in 99 years to see if you’ve learned your lesson.”
The third man was a chronic stoner. St. Peter takes him to his room, which is filled with endless amounts of marijuana, bongs, and pipes. St. Peter again says, ” I’ll be back in 99 years to see if you’ve learned your lesson.”
99 years pass and St. Peter returns to the first room, the sεx addict inside is so relieved, he repents on the spot. St. Peter allows him into heaven.
The alcoholic speeds out the door as St. Peter opens it. He begs for forgiveness and is allowed in.
St. Peter opens the stoner’s door only to find him joint in one hand, pipe in the other, rocking feverishly. The pothead looks up at St. Peter shaking and says, ” Hey, you got a light, man?”
Jokes about Women Religion jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes